I know sometimes when you say wether you do/dont want kids, you dont really know until you're older. well, i am almost 26yrs and i have been w/my boyfriend for about 5yrs now and i know dam well that i want at least 2 kids, but he had said from the begining and til this day that he will only have one. he had told he friends, and i quote, "she's lucky if she can even squeeze one out from me!" that actually hurt me more than it should. we get along great. yes, we have our issues and fights, but who doesnt? there are things that i dont like about him, and im sure there are things he doesnt like about me, but i dont want to be over 30yrs and either just had one child or still havent got any. am i wasting my time??? i want my boyfriend, i love him w/everything that i am/have, and i KNOW he feels the same, but is there a future?
2007-07-30 05:17:43 · 40 answers · asked by Raquel H 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First off, I don't know that you would WANT to be with a guy that responds with "she's lucky if she can even squeeze one out from me." That sounds pretty smartelic-like and almost like he doesn't even appreciate the idea of having children at all - which has to make you think, how would he be towards your child or children if you had any?
Do you want a father of your children to not really be enthusiastic that he even has children?
Plus as far as having fights, it depends on how often, what about, etc. Not all relationships that that many conflicts. If there are many, and they are about significant things such as children, finances, jobs, living circumstances, future goals - those are major and should make you think twice. And as far as the things you don't like about him - same thing. Are they minor things like his clothing style or that he leaves his shoes on the couch. Or are they major things like he is kinda controlling, or he stays out all night "with the guys" and doesn't call you, etc. If they are pretty significant things, they will only get worse when you are married.
It isn't worth marrying him because you are afraid you won't find another guy soon to give you children before 30 - if you would end up divorced with a child or two anyway because you married the wrong man.
You need to evaluate IS THIS THE RIGHT MAN. THEN worry about the child factor. If he isn't the right guy for you, then let him go and you'll find the right guy. Keep in mind it may or may not be before you're 30, but you can still have kids after 30 even if it isn't your preference. But it would be much better to have 2 kids after 30 with the man of your dreams and have a wonderful family life. Then to have maybe just one here soon with your current guy and be in a terrible marriage or end up divorced if he isn't really the right guy - but you married him just so you could be sure to have a kid before 30.
Plus that wouldn't be fair to your future children.
I know you want kids, and that should help shape your decision, but more importantly, you need to have the right man be the father of your children, so you need to decide if he is the right guy or not first.
2007-07-30 05:52:18 · answer #1 · answered by Brn_Eye_Grl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From a guys stand point I was in the same boat. I never wanted any children but my wife wanted at least 2.. One boy and one girl. I thought that some day when we could afford a child we would but I only would contuine if I did not get a boy.
So I got the boy first round (unexpected btw she and i both protected) and was good to go imo. But then she got the news again after 3 or so years of are first and now we got 2 boys. She wants a girl and we cant even afford the two we got.
With all this being said I would take a look at why he may or may not want children. Is it money, toys for himself, vacation, being tied down to just you, scared about if things dont work out between the two of you and then you take 1/2 of everything he has worked for? these were my thoughts at the start but having kids has changed me and I am glad that I got the two that I have.
2007-07-30 05:27:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The answer seems simple. How important is having two kids to you? If you can deal with the fact that he doesn't really want any kids at all, then stay. If not then leave. Find someone that wants the same things out of life as you.
You have to factor in that if he does allow you one child; if his heart isn't into having kids, he might not show that child the proper love and attention. Also, what happens if you get pregnant a second time? Will he expect for you to have an abortion? If so, could you deal with that?
2007-07-30 05:20:02 · answer #3 · answered by Jay's Mom 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand where you're coming from about being over 30 and not having any children. I'm 26 myself and i have a 3 year old son. but let me tell you before i had him i almost always said i would never have any kids. my son wasn't planned but he sure was the best thing that ever happened to me. so, if you want to have 2 and he only wants 1 why don't you go ahead and have that one that he will have and maybe he will change his mind. Children changes your point of view on just about everything. You don't want to put too much pressure on him though. After you have your first child with him and you see what kind of dad he's going to be and if he changes his ways of thinking, that'll let you know if he's the person you want to mary and have more children with. Just always try to do what your heart tells you, and after you have a baby you'll always do what's best for them.
good luck,
single mom of 1
2007-07-30 05:44:16 · answer #4 · answered by EKA 18 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you two need to have a serious discussion. You can't make someone want kids...they either do or don't. Kids are a very serious issue. If he only wants one...then go with it. There is nothing wrong with having just one child. However, if you can't live with that...you shouldn't marry. It will only cause problems on down the line. Having kids changes a relationship...it can bring you closer or tear you apart.
Good luck.
2007-07-30 05:23:19 · answer #5 · answered by Cherry 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, do NOT marry someone if you want children and they don't. Also if there are things about him you don't like and things about you he doesn't like and you marry your marriage will be doomed. Marriage tends to over emphasise the "little things" and make them untolerable to the point where you can't STAND each other. I don't know WHY you've been in this relationship for 5 years knowing what you know but it has been your CHOICE to waste that time. Is there a future? Yes, in divorce court. You should have moved on four years ago.
2007-07-30 08:10:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your dilemma is complicated in that it is not a some kids no kids issue but a how many kids issue. The former would be easy. If you could not agree on kids or not then you don't marry. As for the number of kids all I can suggest is get married, have one child and see how that goes. Maybe one of you will change their mind. If not, then you will have to see if dissolving your marriage is the only solution.
2007-07-30 05:48:00 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi. I am a 49 year old L.A. Calif. woman who was straight for 5 years, gay for 20 and bored with it all now. I've seen quite a bit and can tell you that this is a Major issue to be at odds with. If he eventually relents, he will always lay responsibilities (if not outright blame) on you because"You're the one who wanted kids!" A kid only needs to overhear that once to doubt themselves through childhood. Some people aren't meant to parent. and your boyfriend may consciously or subconsciously sense that he'd be a terrible father. He shouldn't be pushed into something he never wanted, either. If your heart is set on children and his isn't, part friends, but find a partner looking forward to being A Daddy. Hoping he will change later on is only setting yourself up to be angry at him if he doesn't. (As is most often the case)
Good luck!
Sky
2007-07-30 05:32:10 · answer #8 · answered by L.A. Crane 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love is not enough to make a relationship work. I am sure you love your family but could you endure living with them the rest of your life?
There are certain things that are show stoppers for a marriage, and this happens to be one of them.
My wife and I have been married for 17 years and we agreed on two, but after two she did not want to have her toobs tied and birth control makes her sick so I had to get a vasectomy, but it now causes problems. By the way we have three now and I love them all but it has caused major problems between us, because she constantly wants more and I don't.
I am sure since the two of you love each other that you could find a way to make it work, but I don't think either of you will be happy.
The real choice you need to make is what do you want more, a relationship with him ... or two children?
You are wasting your time and his thinking he will change.
One more thing, his comment about you being lucky to even get one out of him, shows that he has no respect for you. I am really not sure what you see in him at all.
2007-07-30 05:28:45 · answer #9 · answered by RayCATNG 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to find a new boyfriend. One of my teachers got divorced because of this very issue. She wanted a large family and he didn't want any children at all. Six years later she finally divorced him, but that was 6 years she wasted on a man who didn't want what she wanted. Get out while you are still young. Don't waste another minute with this man.
2007-07-30 05:26:48 · answer #10 · answered by Dani&Morgan 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋