I pour my tea into the sapphire
porcelain teacup.
The world is quiet and I breathe
The steam thoroughly
And absorb.
Time passes by
Without a moment of worry,
Without a moment of hurry,
Without a moment of fuss.
The clocks ticks itself away,
Bringing my age along with it.
Every moment wasted, or spent?
The uncertainty is not apparant to me.
I enjoy the peace.
My legs, my mind, my strength
All need adequate rest.
The existence of perfection
Is not within the physical.
I am not a god,
Nor will I ever be.
Here, I hear my thoughts,
Every pulse of emotion
Is just beneath my skin.
It is quiet...
Very quiet.
I needed this time,
It is not wasteful.
2007-07-30 03:54:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anthony C 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Line breaks are hideous...poem is quite beautiful. I'd rearrange the first line and add a couple of words, then reorganize the line breaks and words to look like this:
I pour my tea into the cup
a sapphire porcelain blue
The world is quiet and
I breathe in The steam
thoroughly, And absorb.
Time passes by
Without a moment of worry,
Without a moment of hurry,
Without a moment of fuss.
The clocks ticks itself away,
Bringing my age along with it.
Every moment wasted?
Or wisely spent?
The uncertainty is not apparant
to me.
I enjoy the peace.
My legs, my mind, my strength
All need adequate rest.
The existence of perfection
Is not within the physical.
I am not a god!
Nor will I ever be.
Here, I hear my thoughts,
Every pulse of emotion
Is just beneath my skin.
It is quiet...
Very quiet.
I needed this time,
It is not wasteful.
See the difference? Hear the difference? Even if it is not exactly what you were trying for, it should allow you a chance to see how differently it can sound just by changing the line breaks and adding a few minor words (3, I think).
Have fun with it, I enjoyed it...it had a nice sound...and it was needed...not wasteful :)
2007-08-01 17:18:47 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Anthony I am not a poet but I do indeed love this poem. I think it says what a lot of people are trying to say. And kudos to Kevin S. for rearranging your lines it was a little off in the beginning.
2007-08-05 06:47:17 · answer #2 · answered by cjs23navy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Me likey. Poem well. Goodly structure. Bring quiet tug to a soul. :)
I think I've been on the computer to long today, sorry.
2007-08-06 12:24:03 · answer #3 · answered by ta 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there is a glimmer here.
you got creative steam at the end.
last two stanzas were...how shall i say?
good.
actually, now, looking back,
is English your first language?
i don't mean to insult.
Just seems your use, phrasing, isn't quite right.
2007-08-07 00:32:42 · answer #4 · answered by margot 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think its good but the ending is weak it could be better. Anyway very good Keep Writting!
2007-08-06 15:21:47 · answer #5 · answered by Sh00ting_St@r! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like this one. Easy to read, lots of common human emotion stressed poetically...very good.
2007-07-30 10:58:33 · answer #6 · answered by TD Euwaite? 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You wrap it up nicely at the end.
2007-08-05 00:19:10 · answer #7 · answered by Brandy B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i feel this way. you are amazing. i started to get into that mind set.
2007-08-07 10:46:14 · answer #8 · answered by amber 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
poem is nice,,, and the question would be_________??????????????????????????
2007-07-30 10:57:20 · answer #9 · answered by hjkrol59 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋