Poem 42 - 16-1-07?

Question

They lie in there together
I lie in here alone
Why it has to be this way
I think I'll never know

I met a man
But couldn't stay
I loved him
But I ran away

Is this my fate
I'm not amused
What do I do
I'm so confused

Answer 1

To the person who considered this more an outpouring of feelings than a snapshot, I would suggest that this is a snapshot of an emotional state of jealousy and fear of intimacy. A snapshot of one's feelings is not unpoetic.
Now, I think that what you have written could be developed more. You do know why you are without romantic company. You fear getting close ("I loved him/But I ran away"). May I suggest that you rewrite with an idea of facing or at least contemplating that fear.

Answer 2

You've got something going here...you missed an opportunity though...try this:

"they lie in there together
I lie in here alone
Why we have to lie this way
Is something I've never known"

It adds the concept of lying in bed and lying to one another with little effort.

Then, add an "I" to the 6th line and a "so" to the 7th, to get:
"I met a man
But I couldn't stay
I loved him so
But I ran away"

Doing this will mirror the "I's" in the alternate lines and even out your meter.

Finally, I'd reverse the order of the last two pairs and add "my" before "fate" to create closure. The entire poem would then read:

they lie in there together
I lie in here alone
Why we have to lie this way
Is something I've never known

I met a man
But I couldn't stay
I loved him so
But I ran away

What do I do
I'm so confused
If this is my fate
I'm not amused

I think this gives you a good, concise poem...not just "outpouring of feelings", but a genuine poem, and virtually all those words are yours...just moved around a bit.

keep writing!

Answer 3

THIS IS NOT A POEM - not really - listen to me and then you can flame me. - this is just an outpouring of your FEELINGS - a poem isn't an outpouring of your feelings. It is a SNAPSHOT - it is like when you take your camera and take a picture and you capture a moment on film, but with a poem you use words and you create a mental picture and not a visual picture.

These outpourings of feelins have value in your own personal therapy -it helps to get it out, but it isn't a poem, and it';s garbage if you ask me. I write things like this too. I write a lot of stuff like this. But I don't publish it, I don't share them, and I don't ask anyone else to read them. They are for ME - and this is for YOU - and that is ok.

but don't try writing this and expect people to want to know how you feel, they honestly don't care, and it's unlikely a poem like this will be published.

If you take any well established poet, their poems are not ourpourings of feelings. They are more like a snapshot. They have emotions built in, but they are snapshots. The one that most vividly stands out is the one Maya Angelou did for the Inauguration. She paints a picture with words, a snapshot. It isn't an outpouring of feelings.

keep writing stuff like this - and keep these to yourself
start writing poems that capture a moment like you would if you were taking a photo, and you'll get published and you'll do well.

Answer 4

Hi what a lovely poem your so clever sad and emotional really tugged at my heart strings well done!

Answer 5

I think this is very cool. It says everything in a short and direct style. Nice!