My poem, Dont cry little darling, comments?

Question

Little darling don’t you cry
I see that teardrop in your eye
Mommy had to go away
Maybe she’ll come back someday

Things do happen at our age
And sometimes its just a stage
Things that we will soon regret
But we never will forget

You know we had a fight
In front of you, it wasn’t right
So come closer little dear
I’ll wipe away that flowing tear

Daddy’s staying home today
I just can not just go away
As she looked up from her place
I saw a smile upon her face

Lets make a plan to spend our day
So hurry up, be on our way
To the park we will go
To watch the gentle waters flow

We’ll climb a mountain way up high
Closer to the golden sky
At the top, we’ll make a pact
That once a week, we will come back

Its you and me together now
We’ll make it thru. I know some how
Till mommy knows she shouldn’t flee
Be with us two, and always be

Answer 1

Good poem...you should submit it to poetry.com who knows? maybe you can win something..Keep up the good work

Answer 2

It could be better...and you can make it that way. Try this: have someone else read it out loud to you. Don't correct them, just listen to how they read your words and try not to wince...just take notes along the way. What you're going to hear will hurt your ears at times, but this is what you need: to hear the hard spots, the part where the rhyme was forced, or cliche, or had too many beats, or started on the wrong foot (iamb instead of trochee, or dactyl, or vice versa). What you'll find is that it won't take too many times through it to fix pretty much everything wrong with it. Then edit for typos and syntax. What you'll end up with is a poem that "every" reader will read as you intended and will be far more pleasing to the ear. Poems are not just about context, or subject, or feelings...they are about "sound", and to correct for that you need to "hear" what you've written...not what you "think" you've written, which is what happens when "you" try to read it out loud (your brain will say what it wants to hear, the way it wants to make it fit, instead of how it's actually written...even for experienced poets).

edit, listen, edit some more, listen again, then if all is well, post again.

keep writing!

Answer 3

It's beautiful Gary,
Me being a typical 'daddy's l'il girl',it almost made me want to weep! You really know how to move people when you want to,....
just keep up with the sweet poems and i'll keep up with the flattery!!!
Can't wait for the next ones!
:-)

Answer 4

With so many single parents and so many people out there "finding themselves" while losing everything of real value your poem really resonates.

Answer 5

A little sad but beautiful

Answer 6

I'm getting tired and I think that it is great sad but great

Answer 7

Not just a very good life/poem, but a great way to deal with lifes' pains/disappointments. I write poems as well, and mine deal with the pain in my life as well as the humor of it all. sometimes I write silly sounding poems to cheer me and others as well. I have written about a variety of subjects...from a cat whose antics keep me laughing to poems about loss, and Gods love through it all.
If your wife is truely gone from your life; use your gift to to help you work your way through the pain/sadness and other emotions you and your daughter are dealing with. Journal what has happened as well. Put down the good and bad of your relationship. It is easy to tell your daughter is "Sunshine" in your life; teach her as she grows how to write poetry. Share your poems as well as your journaling with her when she is old enough to read. This is a wonderful way to equip children in how to deal with lifes problems. If you are struggling with parenting issues; just go get a good NkJV and NLT of the Bible. By having these two copies you can easily read to your daughter about the Hope Jesus gives us in times of troubles of all kinds. For Parenting help, read the book of Proverbs. You can change the word he to she, tho the instruction in this book of the Bible is meant for children of all ages....including us. Adults need to know about not lusting when things go wrong. It is never a good choice, especially if you lose a spouse to another person, or death. Find a good Church, I would reccomend Calvary Chapel.com. Click on "Churches" and use the tools on the page to find a local one near you. They teach the Bible. word by word, verse by verse , chapter by chapter. You will both be fed spiritually and you and your daughter can make new friends as well. Remember Jesus loves both you and your daughter. When the enemy..satan seeks to hurt us with sins ( like having a leaving/cheating spouse ) or other forms of sins. Like lusting for someone or blaming an innocent child/children for a (spouse gone bad). I will put you on my prayer list for healing while you are trying to see where your situation is heading. If nothing else, knowing someones praying for someone in need... is comforting and helps how you look at your situtation and posssilbe solutions. Jesus said He would be a Father to the fatherless; that when a parent(s) abandoned us He would take their place and become our parents so that we would not be utterly abandoned in the world.
Here is a model of a prayer you can pray if you'd like:
For your daughter, if shes not old enough to read, pray this or a similar prayer for her.
Abba Father, Thank you for your loving kindness, you gave my daddy the gift of poetry; so he could voice our hurts when mommie went away. I am just a child and don't understand the whys, just the hurt of mommie being gone. Be beside me when I hurt and hold me in your arms till my hurt is better. And please hold my Daddy too, cause I see him crying too. Hold my Daddy when he is sad and whisper peace into his heart. When Daddy struggles with hardships of life, hold tight to his hand so he won't fall when life becomes steep cliffs and broken roads. I know you hear me in the night and your love will keep us safe and warm. And tho I don't know what tomorrow may bring for us, help me to believe the best is yet to come for me and my Daddy. Bless my Daddy each and every day and Mommie whereever she is. And thank You for my Daddy, who You knew, would love his little girl through it all. I love you Jesus, and thank You for answering my prayer according to Your will. Amen.

A guide prayer for you:
Abba Father, Thank you for your love and kindness. You have given me a beautiful little girl to love and protect. She is such a lovely gift...I couldn't ask for a more wonderful gift. Help me help her to grow strong and sweet...she's already a little beauty. Hold her tight if nightmares of her mommie leaving her come in the night. Help me to hear her and wake up to console her and not be "sleep grumpy". Hold on tight to her hand and whisper your love into her soul. Place peace and joy in her heart, not grief and sadness. Help her and me too to deal with my wife ( or use wifes name ) leaving us like she did. Help my wife remember her vows...especially honor , love , let no one else tear us apart, and this vow holds us in marriage til death only separates us.
Hold onto me when I am falling into sadness/depression; when I feel helpless and hopeless, hold to my hand and rescue me from the things of life that threaten to drown me. Come beside me as my Friend and guide me. Teach me to be the best Daddy to my daughter that I can be. If I mess up, show me the way. Give me peace about my present situation so I can be a good father, provider to my little girl. Help me when I feel all alone and uncertain about myself. Love me and my daughter through this storm in our lives. Help us to believe the best it yet to come in this situation we are presently in. Bless me each day, and my wife wherevere she is. And thank you for my little girl, who You knew I would love even in my pain. I love you Jesus and thank You for answering my prayer according to Your will. Amen.
Hope this will help you and your daughter to make each day the best it can be.