we've taken a shot at this love before
and i was fading in your eyes
me and you threw some love on that fire
and im sparked in your head once more
just a two second poem.
just wanted to know if it was alright.
2007-07-29 23:59:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
There are some seed thoughts there that you can develop (when you get more than two seconds to sit down and do it lol). You have an interesting way of phrasing and don't come off as boring and cliche. So, I'm thinking you can develop some of these ideas into something good. (grammar point me and you should be you and I.--simple way to remember you can replace you and I with we and that makes sense, me and you would be replaced by us. (us threw some love on that fire).
Take care thanks for sharing.
2007-07-30 02:02:38 · answer #1 · answered by Todd 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
we've taken a shot at this love before
and i was fading in your eyes
me and you threw some love on that fire *
and im sparked in your head once more *
*Good ideas but i dont think they are worded right.
2007-07-30 09:09:02 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's okay...well probably some corrections...
your third line starts with a "me and you"- "you and I"
we've taken a shot at this love before
and I was still fading in your eyes
but I sparked in your head once more
when you and I threw some love on those lies
2007-07-30 07:18:08 · answer #3 · answered by *koLaSA* 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're on the right track, however, you have three images going on: "shot at this love" "fading in your eyes" "love on that fire." The most interesting one, to me, is the "shot at love" expound the metaphor for all 4 lines. Or rework the fire imagery as you already have it in 2 lines.
As a toss-off, it's a nice; you have a level of sincerity and the narrator of the poem obviously cares and has enough self-awareness to know the risks of re-entering a failing relationship.
Thank you for sharing.
2007-07-30 07:54:29 · answer #4 · answered by ObscureB 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wendi! a two second poem is worth all the time you spent on it. When you get a good idea in your head, it's good to write it down...but next time, mull it over, let it develop into a full fledged concept...put it down as a draft, work on it, edit it, "then" post it...otherwise all we can do is say, "yeah, your idea for a poem is okay". I think you want more than that, don't you?
keep writing
2007-08-02 23:13:38 · answer #5 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two seconds? I took eight seconds and I was reading it fast as I could.
2007-07-30 09:46:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anthony C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
said with meaning and desire,
not much thought, but a lot of fire.
make it longer you left me in the air,
come on now, that's not fair.
why did you stop writing?
was your brain and your hands fighting?
2007-07-30 07:46:51 · answer #7 · answered by xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yeah it's good
2007-07-30 07:13:14 · answer #8 · answered by Anthony M 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i like it
romantic...
2007-07-30 12:23:21 · answer #9 · answered by allena s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋