Should you stay together for the childrens sake???

Question

I don't love my husband, I don't even like him, and it is becoming unbearable to live together. I don't speak to him anymore. He knows something is wrong but hasn't worked it out. I have to small children one aged 6 and one aged 4 and don't want to hurt them so I have stayed for there sake it's been 3 years since I started to feel like this. I just wan't the uneasy feeling to stop I am at breaking point, I want my children to be happy. My other concern is how will I cope financially on my own with 2 small children, I don't work at the moment and have no money but if something dosn't change soon I think I will just lash out. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Answer 1

Dear Scooby,
Although you aren't living in a battle field, it is not healthy for anyone to live this way. Your children may be very young , but they are picking up on the home vibes. I don't see how you can be the mother they need with all these negative feelings going on inside of you. I would leave. Seek some public programs for you and your children and start over. Have the state set up child support payments, get a divorce.
Find state funded daycare program, get a part time job, seek state funded adult schooling program.
It will be difficult and scary, but well worth the effort for you and your children. Let them have a relationship with thier Dad , so they can love you both. They need you both even if you can not deal with him in your life anymore.
Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 2

First, take a deep breath and a long bubble bath....try to dig into what is going on and why. He has to know this tension and be feeling it as well. Maybe there are things he is or is not doing that is a major contributor. Now depending on those, I would change the order of this advice but here goes...Talk to your husband, get it in the open, how you feel and why if you know. Give him a chance to explain how he is feeling and decide if you can work through. I have heard that we gain more by climging the same mountain 100 times then climbing 100 mountains once. Of course, if you are truly unhappy and can not work through get out. Discuss thouroughly, get counceling & I would try to get a job, day care isn't cheap so try to find a friend or relative but still offer to pay...it will last longer and be better all around if it isn't just a "favor" they are doing you. Once that is done you can move on to the next step....finding a frind you can stay with or at least into another room in the house. Even if you think you can't work it out, I would say try to talk to a counselor to make sure you feel that you gave it your best shot. Maybe the two of you have lost touch and started giving all the attention to the kids after birth of the youngest. If you want to make it work here are some suggestions, make time for each other, try to get a sitter and go out a couple times a month or even stay in and enjoy a nice dinner (even take out) just the two of you. I have heard that the in love experience only lasts 6-18 months. After that we all have to choose to be "in love" add kids to the mix and we are stretched that much farther. You can read a book "The Five Love Languages", I don't remember the author but you can get it at Walmart or a book store of your choice. You and your family deserve a chance but you deserve happiness. If you can not work it out, do not stay just for the kids. You will be better off for them if you are happy and healthy. It is hard and scary...I know...I left my husband of 15yrs, we had 3 kids, 1 with special needs and 2 younger (he was a habitual cheater though). Anyway, have faith, God will help you figure it out...pray and you will be guided. By the way you can do it if you have to...believe in yourself but if he is a good honest and faithful man...think long and hard, you can work on loving each other and be happy if the trust and desire is there. Let him know how you feel. I am sorry this is long but hope you recieve the message and it helps. Good Luck!!!!

Answer 3

Well for your childrens sake you should try to work this out. You say he doesnt know whats wrong, which means you haven't bothered to try and work it out with him like you should have over 3 years ago. He's not a mind reader and unless you actually sit down and make an effort to make him understand what's going on, your not being fair to him at all. Gonna tell you this won't be an easy task, he's probably not going to understand a lot of what your saying so even the smallest think will take hours to get your point across.

Now as far as the children. He's obviously being a good provider so if he's not really being abusive to them, then I'd have to say stay and work things out with him.

As someone who's parents divorced when he was still living with them, at first i thought it was the best thing in the world. I hated my dad, and was glad to see my mom get away from him. Now 22 years later, and with a lot more knowledge of how the world works and what exactly went on between my parents. I'm pretty sure i would have grown up a whole lot different and been better off if my parents had stayed together. I would have had a solid base to launch my life from and probably would have been far more successful then i am today. Also, i found out that my father was not the man that i thought he was and spent 22 years without him in my life, of course for a long time i resented my mother for that.

As far as the financial situation, well if you leave you will have to get a job most definitely to support yourself. The question is will you actually get the children, thats for the court to decide not you. So you might not have to worry bout supporting the two children at all. If you do get custody he will probably have to pay child support. Most likely if you leave him though i am going to guess that your probably going to end up in the welfare system living in not that great of a neighborhood with 2 children and being unable to really provide any sort of life for them.

Heck if he's a good father and you can't work out your differences with him, you just might leave the children with him so that you can go off on your own and try to build a future for yourself and them when you are stable enough to have them move in with you.

Answer 4

You never use your children as a reason for stay or go situations. If your hubby has made your feelings change this way, whether by abuse, addiction, or something else,
then leaving is the answer. Staying together for the kids only passes down the environment they were raised in, so they can be unhappy, and there kids, and so on, and on. You'll hurt them more by staying & it screws up their chances of seeing what happy families are like. If your hubby is basically a good & trying man, then you should leave the kids with him until you can provide a stable, loving environment to raise them. No, that doesn't mean the next nice doormat you meet and suck in.

Answer 5

Wow, well being from divorced parents you are hurting them more staying together in a relationship that isn't working then you would be by divorcing. Seriously, staying together makes them believe that is how a relationship works and as a parent it is your job to show them what a healthy relationship really is. This is not a healthy relationship. Trust me, when you are happy they will be happy. How to make it work, well I'm from the states and there are so many programs for single mothers that I am sure you have something even better across the ocean. So don't worry about, the path will show itself! Have faith and trust.

Answer 6

Its a crying shame you didn't figure yourself out before you
brought two children into the world. The question should be,
is your husband a reasonably good Father and provider for
the children? Aside from your own selfish reasons why would
you want to take that away from them? You said "he knows
something is wrong but hasn't worked it out " Why haven't
you told him? Seems your failing in more ways than one. You
need to go to counseling together and work these things out.
In love with someone else are you? Just asking. Wonder how
long it will be before you "don't even like" that guy. Find a way
to work it out. Quiting on the family and giving up is the
reason our jails are so full today. One person trying to do
the job of two. Raise your kids together. you owe them that.
Sorry, I need to be honest more than I need the 10 Points.
Its not just about you anymore. talk to him. Best of luck to you and the entire family.

.

Answer 7

for me there is no such thing as falling out of love, once you have exchange vows both of you should do ways on how to keep that vow, that promise you have given to your partner when you were still deeply, madly inlove with each other. you haven't mention the reason you want to be separated with your husband so i can't tell you if you really have to. if you're a battered wife, if he hurts you physically, morally and if he degrades your personality then girl its enough reason to go away. We women buy things to nurture our beauty so why stay with someone who makes you look like age 50. But if he is a good husband to you, a good father to your children and a good provider, then why leave him? Just because you think you doesn't love her anymore. Remember those happy days you have, the time you said yes to him, well if you do cherish those times, cherish your husband. In the end he'll be the one who will walk with you by the time your children will choose the lives of their own.

Answer 8

I think before you act you should look into finding a job and day care or baby sitter so you can make money to support your children and if you get a divorce then his child support will further your financial stability on supporting yourself. Have you tried talking to him? Does he want to make the relationship better. Maybe you two can start dating again and find the love that has been lost. Anyways, if all this doesn't seem to good then get your ducks in a row before popping the big question so you will be happier in the long run. I hope this helps.

Answer 9

First of all, talk to him. Really talk to him and tell him how you feel like you just did here. Seek some couples counseling so the two of you can work on your relationship together. I am going for my MSW, and I believe counseling is the way to go, and if both parties can commit to improving their relationship, it can work. Please give it a try, for your marriage and for your kids. If it works out and you feel better and happier, then good. If not, hey, at least you did try, and then you'd be able to make decisions based on experience rather then pure "what ifs".

Hope this helped.

Answer 10

you need to add more details is he treating you bad did he cheat?if not then try to contact with him,i am married and getting divorce because his cheating yak but if you do not work things out then he will be soon cheating do not be so negative try to live your life for the sake of others is not going to work.
may be he is busy and you are not GET YOURSELF SOMETHING TO BUSY WITH.emotions are important but you can be more materialistic for the sake of your children.
if i were in your shoes then i would never give my family up unless he really does not deserve to have one,try to make nice things for HIM alone not as a family but as a man ,escaping from him will make the gap between you increase and this will do you no good.
think think and think he is a great supporter he pays the bills you can not afford this life get all the steps needed to attract him back to you.WORK HARD if you do not somebody will take him from you TRY TO SHOW HIM THE RESPECT HE DESERVES FOR SUPPORTING YOUR FAMILY ALONE.DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION.
try to shake your life by starting may be faking love for him first then by time you will cope with it and may be when he gives you all the attention you will feel loved and love him then truly.
i do not expect him loving you LOVE IS MUTUAL try as you will be the one to be blamed if things did not work out.