He says he lied because he didn't want to hurt me?

Question

My b/f lied about phoning his ex. I found out that he lied and he said that he didn't tell me that he phoned her because he knows I would be hurt. He says that the only reason he talks to her is because she is the mother of his 2 children (teenagers). I explained to him that if he is with me he shouldn't be there for her. I do not want him to fall out with her, I am not jealous of her and I want him. Is he right to always be there for his ex? They have both had other long relationships since their divorce and it seems that they talk about their new relationships to each other. Is this normal? I couldn't imagine phoning my ex about my b/f and talking about him behind his back! I am sure that my b/f would not like this and I am certain that my ex's g/f wouldn't like it either. What does everyone think on this please? xx

Should he only talk to her when I am not around? Should he tell me about their 'talks'? !! I am new to all of this ex relationship stuff and am just trying to understand how it all works xx

Thanks for all of your answers, I hope that I can sort all of this out in my unexperienced head!!! By the way, I get on ggrrreat with his kids. But another thing, I make arrangements to do things with the kids (all of us) buy in food etc then she phones him and changes the evening to when I am working! Do you think she does this on purpose???!!!

He goes round to their house, I am not allowed!!!

Answer 1

It seems to me they have finally begun to communicate. They will always be friends. You can't stop it.
I talk to my X because he trusts my opinion and that is all.
Don't be jealous. He is with you.

Answer 2

If this lady is the mother of his two children it is right to keep communicating with her for the sake of the children if nothing else. Children too often suffer in the "ex" situation. If she is an "ex" then accept she is just that and you have to come to terms with his being allowed to communicate with the opposite sex full stop but particularly this lady as the mother of his children. The lie would worry me more.......if there are lies about such things in a relationship it does not bode well. Why did he lie......to protect you.....I think maybe more to protect himself from the reaction he imagined he would get from you. Communication is everything if a relationship is to blossom.....remember this and learn to have belief and trust in each other or it is going no where.

Answer 3

I personally wouldnt like it.... but i am a jealous person.. But thinking about it logically... He obviously doent want to be with her as he has been there and it obviously didnt work. There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone you once had a relationship with and if they have kids together then all the more reason for them to stay friends. It doesnt mean that he fancies her or wants her for any reason other than this.
Its going to happen anyway and the more you put up a fight the more he is going to do it behind your back.
I would tell him that you are going to tolerate it as long as he tells you when he phones her and agrees to you being in the room at the same time.
After a while you will see what they talk about and realise that its nothing to worry about.... and in time hopefully you will learn to trust him...
Has he ever cheated on you? If the answer is no then you have no reason to distrust..
Good luck.

Answer 4

I am not Ms. experience here; I am divorced though and would never, ever talk to my ex about a bf that just seems like a Duh thing to me. You have it right girl! People should just cut those ties and move on. If they have kids they do have to see each other, but it is stupid for them to get friendly enough to talk about previous relationships. Especially if they aren't ever getting back together.

You should tell him exactly what you told us about how you wouldn't do that to him because it would hurt his feelings. Tell him you understand that they have shared history through the kids, etc. But ask him point-blank why you aren't allowed to go over there with him? If he won't give you a straight answer or makes you feel guilty for asking, then you need to take a step back.

I don't want you to jump to conclusions and think that something is going on between them. It may be the kids, they may be causing some friction between you and the ex either intentionally or not. It sounds like such a difficult situation. Just listen to your instincts. They are seldom wrong.

Answer 5

He did not lie to you because he didn't want to hurt you he lied because he was protecting himself. If his conversations with her are about the children and innocent he would not have to keep information from you. If he is is calling her and has you in his life personal information about each other would make me uncomfortable to. Some people don't know how to be respectfull or act appropriately when they involve other people into their lives. When they hide behind lies about it then they know they are wrong and cover it up. They don't seem to care or understand the message they send when their behavior allows us to feel they are up to no good and disrespect us with lies. It doesn't make us feel very important in their world when they feel they have to do that. It makes you wonder if you can trust their character at all and what ever else they havent told you? Now that you know he called her it hurts more that he couldn't feel honest with you about it. It makes you wonder how he sees you and really feels about you in his life. To me I could take that as an insult that he couldn't trust me to handle the truth. That's not saying much about me as a person at all in his eyes. If he were my boyfriend there would be some serious communicating over what is acceptable and not acceptable in our relationship and............one being no lying about anything. Best wishes and take care.

Answer 6

it sounds like whether he told you or not, you would be a bit upset. since his ex is the primary care giver of his children (and im sure he is a caring father) i think hes just wants to be part of their lives, like just checking up to see how they are. just because he isnt there, doesnt mean he cant phone in every now and then.

and these phone calls are just that. he is no longer with his ex due to whatever reason and now he is with you. and these circumstances should allow for him to be calling his childrens' mother. their relationship ended and now they are being adults and caring about their children and eachother (not in the way you may think is cheating)

theres a reason why he is with you and not with his ex. you are lucky to have him. he was just in a tough situation between caring about your feelings and what might hurt you.

Answer 7

You sound really insecure. I think you are doing this to yourself, creating all this drama. If you try to rope him in, he will end up leaving you. Give him plenty of space. The only thing I would request is that if you have previous plans, that he not change them to accommodate her and that he not talk about his relationship with you to her, that you want to trust him to be discrete. But if you're working, what do you care where he is? If he wanted to be with her, he would be. If he is your bf, he wants to be with you, but if you are jealous and controlling and try to dictate what he does with her, then he will leave you. He sounds like a stand-up caring guy. By being jealous you're forcing him to lie to you. Be all sweetness and light and let him see that you are above all this drama.

Answer 8

That's a bit touchy because they do share kids together and still have to parent those children...BUT, unless there is a crisis concerning one of the kids, he does not need to be talking with her and it is up to you to mention it and it is up to him not to do it. BTW, if the kids are having problems or just want to talk to dad then they should be the ones to call him, not the ex.

Answer 9

The only problem is that this guy has kids with this woman so like it or not they have to have some sort of relation together.I would allow him to help out with the kids but keep an eye on him.

Answer 10

Since they have kids, it's good that your b/f is a good dad and acting mature w/his ex. sometimes when people are together for so long and share so much(AKA KIDS), it'll be hard to not try to help them through things and just watch them stumble and fall(even though they may deserve it). His kids could suffer if mom isn't at 100% and half mental. if them talking keeps stuff w/the kids good and keeps her sane then thats good for them. he lied yes. but he lied to not hurt you(makes sense), b/c he knows it upsets you. if you nag too much, he may not want to be there for you. yeah it's not cool to lie, but it's also not cool to have someone upset at you for something inocent.

Answer 11

sure they have kids but if he lied about it he obviously thinks it isnt right otherwise he would have just come right out and said it. but he didnt. which makes u think that they are not infact discussing kids but other emotional stuff which.. no they shouldnt be. it is not normal. besides that if it's making you unhappy/ uncomfortable then thats all there is to it and he has to stop. especially since he lied to you about it. do not put up with it!!!!