changing for the better?

Question

As I float on a cloud high above the ocean floor. My mind begins to run in circles. I’m changing faster and faster. Running in many directions. So confused inside this wondering world. Many doors are closing behind me. Just waiting for the open door. Trying to open my heart to someone new. But the pain inside won’t leave. My past is so full and hard to let go. Everyone with their problems spilled all over the floor. Maybe I could change for the better. Right now I’m over my head in pain and my heart is broken in two. The bandage won’t heal it all. The wound is too deep to heal. Should I change for the better or worst? I know this hurts me to think. I’m in denial of luck or love. I’m floating on a cloud far above. In search of a true love.

Answer 1

I hope you find true love and don't get confused and comprimise yourself in the process but really find true love. I like this poem

Answer 2

Allow me, please, child. May I help you a little with this one?

As you feel you are ballooning on a cloud high above the ocean's waves,your mind begins to spin like a hurricane. You're changing faster and then much faster. You're flying in many directions, like an electron.Are you really alone in this wondering-wandering world?

Meanwhile, back in the body you left when your soul went floating, many doors are closing behind ye. Just waiting for the open door. Trying to open my heart to someone new. But the pain inside won’t leave. Is it a heart attack, or just angina?

Your past is so full and hard to let go. Everyone lies, with their problems spilled all over the floor. Maybe you-I-she-he-we-you'all should change for the better.

"Right now I’m over my head in a psychic cesspool, a mental septic tank,and my heart is tearing in parts too numerous to know if it will ever heal. The cardiologist is at a total loss. The wound is too deep to heal. "

"Should I change for the better or should I just curse G-d or my fate? I know I am afraid to think. I’m renounce any possibility of luck or love.

"I’m just the mist in a cloud far above. In search of a true love, or at least that lost left-handed glove."

Answer 3

Here's a line for line crit for your first half or so.

As I float on a cloud high above the ocean floor.
(it had better be high above the ocean floor if you are on a cloud. this is quite an overstatement. don't think you need floor! maybe you mean above the ocean's xxxx, what? crests? swells? breath? anything but floor.)
My mind begins to run in circles.
I’m changing faster and faster. Running in many directions.
(could you refer back to the clouds, make it a simile, as in how clouds constantly change shape and move around in the sky?)
So confused inside this wondering world.
(does the world wonder or do you? and if you mean you, how do you fix this?)

Many doors are closing behind me. Just waiting for the open door.
(is this like how capricious the weather can be? how quickly the skies change?)

I'll leave you here. This was just a sample of how you free associated one thing to the next without accounting for your words. Easily fixed.

Read it again and ask yourself if each phrase makes sense standing alone.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Princess...line breaks...line breaks...they exist for a reason. Maybe your word editor doesn't post them correctly, but you need to use them.

You have a few problems here..."float on a cloud high above the ocean floor"...the ocean "floor"? You say your mind runs in circles, that you're changing faster and faster and running in many directions. This is true, at least as far as your poem goes.

I think if you used line breaks you'd be better able to see the flaws with your poem and be better poised to fix them. You use the wrong word in more than a few places, this is called a "malapropism"; you use the same word several times, this is called "lazy". Bandages don't "heal"..."wounds" heal, bandages only cover wounds and allow them to heal. "better or worst"? worst? you should use "worse". Many of your rhymes are far too predictable.

So, with all this...is it worth rewriting? YES! You have something to say, you've taken the first step to say it...now you should drop back, review, shake it out, edit it, read it out loud to yourself, or better yet, have someone else read it out loud to you (don't correct them, just listen and you'll get more than you wanted to know about how your poem "sounds to someone else"), then make more changes based on what your ear tells you. Don't worry about losing the "freshness", just start improving something that was a first draft. Nobody expects perfection, and if someone tells you you're perfect, smile, thank them, then go ask someone else.

I'm being honest with you because I sense a poetic voice struggling to get out. You have promise, but you need to work on your technique...that's all.

keep writing

Answer 5

Princess,
Re-read Kevin S.'s and Margot's critiques a few times. They're worth it and are taking you seriously. I couldn't add anything more. Be wary of faint praise. No one is trying to dissuade you from writing; quite the opposite, they're trying to help improve your work. Avoid gratitous enablers.

Answer 6

American Heritage, Edition four:

Poetry: the art or work of a poet.

Poet: One who is especially gifted in the PERCEPTION and Expression of the beautiful.... (emphasis added)

Princess, you are a poet.

And personally, I think that ANYONE who expressed even ONE WORD that even REMOTELY infers that there is ANYTHING "wrong" with your poem has themselves been

stifled

into thinking that a poem "has" to obey ANY rule.

Continuing with the dictionary entry: the derivation of the word Poet comes from Greek and it means: to create.

Answer 7

LOVE HOW IS IT?
http://universalvibrations.com/

Answer 8

its a good poem , im afraid the search for true love is a lifetime gig

Answer 9

good one! keep em coming!