My Boyfriend "HATES" my son! What should I do?

Question

I am 22 yrs old and have a 4 yr old from a previous relationship. My boyfriend is 24 with no kids and really wants a baby. I am in my last yr of college and I make about $60,000 a yr. Hes finished with school. We began planning our wedding and he agreed that he would wait till i was done with school and married before we had a baby.I can afford to have another child. But my boyfriend wants nothing to do with my 3yr old son. He doesnt come over when he is up, he doesnt go out with us, I think he tries to put it out his head that I have a son. I have spoken to him about this a million times and he said that he isnt ready to be a step father, he wants to be a father first. He's a good man to me. He treats me very good and we have a lot of fun together. But when ever I spend time with my son, he makes me feel guilty about him not having a baby. I love my son and I love my boyfriend. Its easy to say just leave him or talk to him. I've tried both! I dont know what to do!

Answer 1

Seriously, what do you want to hear? Your bf is so immature that he is jealous of a four year old. To me that says just about everything about him that can be said.

You can support yourself, you have a child to care for. If you marry this man and have a baby with him you will be looking after THREE kids, because he is a child himself.

A man does not feel scared and threatened by a tiny child, and a decent man would know that with the tiniest amount of effort and time, he could make a friend of your child, as so many have done.

As for making you feel guilty for HIM not having a child of his own ~ how is that your responsibility? And what next? What if you cannot have another child? Or if it's a girl, not a boy (or vice versa), or any one of a million other things beyond your control ...

What if you agree to give up your son ... will you spend the rest of your life pining for your boy but unable to discuss it in case he becomes jealous and gets the sulks. What if he suddenly doesn't like his own child and feels you aren't giving daddy enough attention?

You are already walking on eggshells so as not to upset this guy, and wondering how to avoid making him feel bad, while feeling bad yourself. How is that right?

It's not very far from here to trying to guilt trip you because he doesn't have as good an education, as nice a family, as well paid a job, respect in the community ...

For the sake of your child and your future, please reassess your relationship with this manipulative and childish man.

Best wishes for your future :-)

Answer 2

Okay, some will say I should not even answer this question as I don't have kids- by choice. I feel differently about it. First, I think that those saying this guy will abuse your son down the road are getting a little dramatic. Secondly, your child will grow up and goon with their life some day. A husband is supposed to be with you forever. Just because one becomes a mom doesn't mean they chose who they love and who they don't, any more than before they were moms does it? NO. This guy has one very good quality- honesty. He has been up front that he is not ready to be a step father. That takes guts to admit. You basically have to decide if you can live a happy life without this guy. If the answer is no, then you must try to get them to warm up to each other. I am assuming the birth father isn't on your boyfriend's case or a nasty person? If he is, it may not be your son he doesn't want to accept into his life, but the dad. Just a thought. The most important thing is to remember that you do have a child but that does not mean you can't have a life with a man that is good to you and that you love. I'd hold off on the marriage just to see how things go. You didn't say how long the two of you have been together? Has he even had time to think about accepting a child that is not his? That is a HUGE thing to do for a lot of guys AND ladies even if they do have kids together. When your son is grown, off to college, married, maybe living in another state or country with his family, his family will be number one. That's life. Will you be sitting there alone or in a marrige with a guy that you don't love but that is a great dad, wondering about this guy? I'd need more fingers to count the people I know in that situation. If you feel don't have that "once in a lifetime" type of love for this guy, them move on and find a good step dad for your son. You have a fairly decent income, so you don't "need" to be married unless you truly feel you can't live without him.

Yes, you must always protect and care for your son, but you are a mom and YOU still need, want, deserve love too. I hope this works out and in a few months this will be something you wondered why you were even worried about.

I realize I didn't give you a true, black and white "answer", just a few different angles to think about that no one else seems to have given yet. Hope it helps

Answer 3

I really can't believe that you are even asking this type of question. If you are a single parent, then you are all that your sons has. He should ALWAYS come before ANY other man. Men will come and go, but your son will always be there. Your son will be the one there to say "Mommy, it will be okay!" when this MAN leaves you. You brought this child into this world, and it is your responsibility to take care of him, both physically and emotionally. When your son gets older, he will notice this resentment from your 'boy' friend, and in turn resent you for allowing this to happen. You really have to put your feelings aside on this and think of your son. Leaving him may be hard to do, but I think that losing your son, would or should be even harder. If you son was older, to where maybe he was giving your boyfriend a hard time and being rebellious for no reason other than wanting his Mom for his own, then things would be a little different, but I don't see anything that a 3 year old could do to deserve this. I am also a single parent of two girls, 8 and 13, and my youngest has ADHD, and is at times very hard to deal with, but until a man TRUELY LOVES ME & MY GIRLS, I will remain single!! We, as well as you and your son, are a package, so if he is incapable of handling this type of package, I say put your son first, and leave the BOYfriend behind! (And I strongly use the word BOY, because a Man wouldn't act this way) Good Luck and God Bless Your Family!

Answer 4

When he met you, you already had your son. So he has to accept you with your son. Having a baby isn't going to change the way that he feels toward your son. I advice you to wait to get married or have a baby. Your son should come first he is an innocent victim in this situation. Even though your son is only 3 don't you think he can sense that your BF doesn't like him. I have a one year old and it will break my heart if she was being treated that way if I was in your situation. You need to resolve this before you make any life changing decisions. From the way he is acting he only wants you and doesn't want the baggage. What will you do if you did get married and couldn't work for some reason will he only want to support you and his baby. I know men that have done that to my friends. Don't let yourself get caught up in something like that. If you don't protect your child no one will.

Answer 5

Reading this almost made me cry..for real. You have to be your son's advocate, that is part of being a parent. He cannot stick up for himself, that is your job right now. Your boyfriend needs to be given an ultimatum. He either needs to accept your son and learn how to love him or split. If you marry him and he treats your child together well and ignores your son, it will do life long mental and emotional damage to him..S T O P putting up with this, it is crucial that you address this ASAP. Maybe some family counseling would help, but he cannot ignore your son and be married to you. Next time you go out, demand that your son attends, actually he needs to attend most of the time because he will be there if you get married. He has got to bond with him in some way if you guys are to have a successful marriage. I know you don't want to hear this once again, but truthfully, I would get rid of him...Good luck

Answer 6

Regardless of what a strange situation it seems to most people, your brother is obviously ok with it or he wouldn't be tolerating it. Are you sure they are not into the swinging scene? It's quite popular these days. It is his home and the bf has no rights there unless he approves. Can't imagine the law would support that either especially when a little boy lives there. I also highly doubt a bf would stay in a house with his cheating gf where he is clearly unwanted by the husband, especially if he feared for his well being (which we all know he would be if it happened to any of us lol ) I'm sure your brother has family and friends that would make that situation extremely uncomfortable for that gentleman if he really wanted him out. I do hope they are handling this situation with maturity and tact as there is a little boy involved.

Answer 7

If he's not ready to be a step father then you can't marry him. It's important to find a man that will love your son like he is his...if not when you two have a baby that man is going to favor HIS child over yours. That can have lasting effects on your son that will take years of therapy to correct. Please don't do this to your little boy. He deserves to be loved. I mean seriously, are you going to keep him in a room by himself when this guy is home after you're married? So that this "man" can pretend he isn't there. Dump him and find a man that accepts you AND your son as the package deal that you are

Answer 8

I am finding it difficult to understand why you would want to have anything to do with a man who wants nothing to do with your son. Do you really think things will be better once you are married? How do you think this makes your son feel? How would you have felt at his age, knowing that you were not wanted? That someone wished you did not live there, that they wished you did not even exist? Wake up, get rid of the man!!!! Find someone who will be happy to include your son in his life. Shame on you for allowing it to go on for so long! Your son should come first, your wants second! Who cares that he treats you well, but treats your son like crap? It is a good thing that you are not my daughter, because I am telling you that I would have your butt in court and you could kiss custody of that beautiful little boy!!!!! This whole situation makes me so mad that it is hard for me to even put it into words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read your first sentence, My Boyfriend HATES my son, shouldn't that just be enough to make you hate the boyfriend for being so shallow and immature. If he is not enough of a man to leave you because he does not want to help raise a child who is not his own, than I would hope and pray that you come to your senses and do the right thing and dump his sorry butt and for heaven's sake do not bring another child into this world until you have a better understanding on how to take care of the one you already have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

I had the same situation when my son was about 4 yrs old. Is your son 3 or 4? I was dating a man who did not like my son and I noticed that he would mistreat my son and get jeolous if I gave my son too much attention. Then he would complain to me and say, what about me? I had to let this guy go because he was getting out of hand with the jeolousy between me and my son also, If he did not like my son there was no way in hell that I would of planned a future with a man like that. As hard as this may sound, you have to put your son first and let that man go because he is trouble. You do not want to stay with a man like that and in the future he ends up hurting your son. Good Luck and remember always put your child first screw a man. That man can be replaced not a child... I let my ex-boyfriend go and I met a wonderful step dad for my son and I now have 4 children by him...

Answer 10

To be honest it seems the man does not love you at all only that he wants something else from you either money or something else in particular but love is not there. You have a package. that is you and your son and he is in denial of a package. Point blank, he is not your man and he will is not going to accept your son. Eventual he might plan to get rid of your son. Are you ready to give up your son for the sake of this man who doesn't love you so that you can have him? Will you choose him over your own son? The man has shown it clear that he don't love you and hates your son. so you both are not welcomes in his heart. Its good that you are not yet married, end the relationship now, not even tom morrow, love your son, and move on with your live. You have good income capable of supporting yourself and your son. Down the road you will find someone who will accept you, love you both and will take care of you all.