Poem # 7 newest one...your opinion?

Question

Beautiful Eyes

Beautiful eyes
But they do not see.
So blind, so very blind...
How I give myself to thee
Pouring out my heart
A river.
A smile to hide the pain
I long to touch your face again...
Run my fingertips
Upon your saccharine skin.
I strive in vain
Through tears that fall
Such bitter rain.
To savor that sweet kiss
To feel you in my arms.
Just one more moment
Yet always does it seem
I miss...
Those beautiful eyes
They no longer seem to see
Only me.

Answer 1

Hi Spiffs, I like this. With so many poems that write about someone's eyes, I didn't expect to. However, it didn't seem tired and old to me. Saccharine skin is an interesting phrase. It does make you stop and think about it. I may agree with Kevin that the artificial nature of Saccharine may detract from your message--I do like the image of skin sweet to the touch though--it mixes up the senses.

All in all--good read.

Answer 2

First of all, you need to be careful of using words like "thee" in a modern poem that is not a period piece. Also, "saccharine"? even if you meant "saccharine", I don't see how it could be a compliment (artificially sweet?), and if an insult, seems a little out of place in this part of the poem.

Other than that, it's okay. I'd probably suggest you modify "through tears that fall such bitter rain" to read "through tears that fall like so much bitter rain", but that's a nuance that only the poet can tell if it makes it better or worse.

A good poem...not a great one, but a good one if you edit it a little.

keep writing, you're better than most.

Answer 3

I'm not sure about the saccharine skin....maybe angelic or honeyed. Saccharine to me means artificial, like she wasn't really sweet. Just a thought...otherwise I like it very much.

Answer 4

Wow another horrible poem
When will you stop
seriously you need a new hobby
Trust me you are no Langston Hughs