I've been with my partner (we're not legally married) for almost 10 years. I have a 12 year old daughter from a prior relationship and he is VERY critical of her. Over the yrs, I have heard 1000 promises that he'll "do better." He never follows thru and seems to delight in seeing her cry. 5 years ago he cheated on me...I agreed to forgive if he would FINALLY begin to act like a dad to her. (I am an AWESOME step-mom to HIS 10 yr. old child). I found myself pregnant (oops) and had a beautiful baby boy 2 1/2 yrs ago...and now also have an 8 month old boy...filling my own emptiness probably...it definately wasn't a "love" based decision...but I will NOT regret my boys!
My dilema is this...he STILL treats my daughter horribly, yet DOTES on his sons. I am filled with disgust...and feel sooo trapped. He and I do nothing together-he works ALL the time or is sleeping. I feel like I'd be a horrible mom to rob my 2 yr old of seeing him daily- and yet my daughter is sooo unhappy. So am I....
2007-07-29 16:20:47 · 19 answers · asked by jaymie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm not a parent. That said, I think it's NOT fair to NOT leave him. The relationship sounds like it had its own problems outside of the kids and after ten years of treating her badly, he isn't going to change. I think all kids should have two parents, and again I'm not a parent, but you don't get to pick and choose which one of the kids you'll be a good parent too and which one you won't.
Putting myself in your daughter's shoes, I am 12 years old. I'm going thru all these changes and I don't know which is up and which is down. This guy has never liked me and he thinks my brothers are great. I guess what he is telling me is the truth.
Fast forward ten years and she's 22 and her SO treats her like dirt because she has learned that is all she is worth and that it's normal. She's unhappy & miserable and that's what the rest of her life could look like.
Fast forward another ten years and your daughter is 32, loves her kids but not herself. And your sons love their Mom, but they treat their girlfriends/wives like doormats.
Now ask yourself that question. Don't stick around for the kids, leave for the kids. He'll still get to see his children. Of course it would be better for him to be around all the time, but it sounds like he's just not up to the job. Hopefully, he'll acquire those skills in the future, but the kids always come first.
2007-07-29 16:46:28 · answer #1 · answered by MollyUSA 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh my gosh! GET OUT!!!!! You are never doing your children any good by staying in an unhappy situation. They deserve a happy secure Mom! Someone who is feeling good about herself as a person. You sound like a very good person who has been tolerating a very sad situation. Your daughter needs to be treated well and hopefully won't be scarred by this man's meanness. You don't want her to grow up with "men" issues, that could just send her into a very sad life herself. I would suggest some counseling for you both and while there get some help on how to handle the breakup with regard to your two sons and their step siblings.
Too bad you stayed with someone who was unable to commit to you but you have two beautiful children because of it - so there is no loss! Just love them and concentrate on being happy again and give that little girl lots hugs!
Before you leave - get all your plans made and talk with an attorney about child support and custody issues! Have all your plans made and open that door and start a new and happy life! You can do it and the children will be happier - because YOU will be happier! Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!
2007-07-30 16:13:41 · answer #2 · answered by Janet H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well first i gotta say at count there is 4 kids and 2 adults that obviously he is working to support. And perhaps you don't quite realize the type of money involved in that, which requires him to work a lot and leaves little time or engery for anything else.
And of course he's going to treat his own children better then someone elses, and of course they are going to come before you or your daughter, they are flesh and blood after all.
Should he be treating your daughter as if she was his own? Nope, he never married you and agreed to be the father of that child, he did agree to help support it but that's it. Is it fair to expect him to? Nope it's not his kid, not his problem. You say that he is very critical of her and seems to delight in making her cry, are you really sure thats the way it is? Or is it just that he isn't treating her the way you and her think he should be?
As far as i can tell you've now irresponsibly brought 3 children into this world when you were not ready to deal with the reality of how relationships or the world itself actually works. And are actually sitting here expecting us to pat you on the back and say there there it's ok that you've chosen to ruin three childrens lives and 2 mens lives. I'm sorry lady but you disgust me.
The only thing i can say is at least he was smart enough to not marry you and put a ring on your finger. At least when you leave this relationship he won't lose anything except some excess baggage. And the worst that will happen is he has to pay child support, but then he got custody of his first son maybe he'll get custody of his other 2 children too.
2007-07-29 23:57:30 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
I have come to the realization that yes it is fair to leave that marriage because your daughter is just as unhappy as you are... I too am in a situation with a man like yours. We have been together for almost 11 years-married almost 4yrs. He has 2 adult children that have children(which made me a grandma) and I have a 13 yr old. He is very rough on my son, nothing my son tries to do is right or good enough for him. But I have always treated his kids and grandkids(whom I adore) very well. I have been going to counseling and have recently given him an ultimatum. And since he has decided that he doesn't really have any problems that he doesn't need to get help for that he isn't going to; so my son and I are leaving; not sure where we are going as I am unable to work but it has to be better than the situation that we are currently in. So my answer to you is yes, definately leave. You and all of your children will healthier for it...
2007-07-29 23:40:00 · answer #4 · answered by cookie lady 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
So how many more poor children are you going to drag into this mess before you grow a spine and do what you already know you should do. You have a duty to protect your daughter from this man's emotional abuse, because that is what it is and your know that too on some level. Yu need to not have any more kids and start making your getaway plan. You and your daughter, and your sons deserve better. He might be nice to them now but his track record speaks poorly. And if he is making this big a difference between his kids and your daughter then what is that teaching them? Is his behaviour something you want imprinted on your sons so they can perpetuate the behavior? You have some serious thinking to do. Your children need you deseprately, they need you to get them away from this dimwit dad, are you going to continue to let them down? All they have is you.
2007-07-29 23:55:57 · answer #5 · answered by CindyLu 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are living in a male oriented world filled with promises, promises, broken promises. Love me and my daughter, you cannot have one without the other, or don't love us at all. You made your biggest mistake a long time ago and the only one paying the price is your daughter, which I am sure this situation will cause many problems in her life along the way. When a relationship is no longer fun and seems like work, it is time to get out.
2007-07-29 23:29:21 · answer #6 · answered by Pyrenees 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Remember the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink?" Most men do not have the emotional capacity to easily accept that which is not of their loins...the understanding is very limited when dealing with this, and fears of ineptitude bring about control-issues to cover that fact...not an unusual scenario.
Doesn't sound like you have much of a jewel to begin with...and an unhappy Mom is not something to be ignored, which he seems to be doing. You have some soul searching to do, Love...single Momhood is not easy, however, creating a home of love & growth is a crucial key to everyone involved...reflecting a guardian who can be respected, trusted, is loving, supportive, & takes challenge with an adventurous spirit...this teaches children more than anything in their youth. Can you do this for them alone? Of course you can--there's sooo many of us doing it, too. What does it do to the kids? They adapt....they are unconditionally loving of their people, without understanding of their situation...answer their questions softly, simply, truthfully, and only in love & positivity above all else. You have the right to seek your means of happy...you have a responsibility to provide that to those put in your care...you also have a daughter who has been seriously compromised in your decision-making to date, & who is, or is on the verge of, blaming you for hubby's issues--not easily remedied if allowed to become deep-seeded with teen years around the next corner...and little time left before she makes her own decisions about staying in your situation...See???
Eventually, we all have the opportunity to rid ourselves of past baggage, but why over-stuff the suitcase, if you can make a wiser choice in your matter now, yes? Perhaps the initial separation will wake your guy up to what he has...or maybe not...move on toward your grander scheme, and if he chooses to follow, great...if he doesn't great...Listen to your heart--your soul sounds...I wish you wisdom, courage, & love...Good Journey!!!
2007-07-30 00:14:05 · answer #7 · answered by MsET 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get out and allow for joint custody of his boys if he is a good father to them. Your daughter would be real happy not to deal with him and he can have the boys whenever and she will not care to deal with him. Your feelings for HIS 10 yr old will be hurt but he can visit whenever he wants. You need some peace, your daughter needs peace, and the boys will be fine because they will not know any life other than the divorce. They will not remember when Dad and Mom lived together. Leave now.
2007-07-29 23:32:50 · answer #8 · answered by baseballdad69 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You put up with this abuse of your daughter for TEN YEARS???
Why?????
There is NO dilemma! You have not given this much thought to your 12 year old until at all... SUDDENLY you decide to be concerned about a child's feelings and it's the two year old....
Why have you not even considered the older child in all these years? You're as bad as he is. You have a favorite.
2007-07-29 23:46:58 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
it is never the wrong decision to leave an unhappy situation ... granted you should've left a long time ago ... but you are now.
your children need to grow up knowing love, fairness and honesty ... being in this household does not make for a good environment ... unfortunately he'll find someone to take care of him, you on the other hand need to take care of you and your kids!!
Good luck I know you can make it with out him!!
2007-07-30 00:42:38 · answer #10 · answered by emnari 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋