Like I said me and my husband have been seperated for a long time because of addictions, he is clean of drugs but still has to start drinking the minute he gets up.He wants us back together but I'm scared that if he is still drinking the way he is that he'll go back to the drugs.He wants my help to stop drinking but I know that I can not help him,I've tried so many times.I love him and would never want anything bad to happen to him.I guess my question is,am I wrong for not wanting to jump back into it or should I let him back into my life and keep trying to help him. I am very confused.
2007-07-29 15:52:26 · 11 answers · asked by sunzx2 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You are absolutely correct in your fear that he will start using drugs again. He has come a long way and you both should be proud of what he has accomplished. He has a lifelong struggle ahead of him and he'll need lots of support.
That said, he isn't clean. Just because he's not using drugs doesn't mean he is sober. It doesn't matter if it's street drugs, prescription drugs, beer, wine, hard liquor, whatever. If he needs it to get through the day then he is not clean. I would guess he is probably drinking more now than he was when he was doing both drugs and alcohol.
Stand your ground and be strong for the both of you. You can still help him, but he can't come home until he is completely clean. I'm just assuming that is what the deal was when he left. If that is the case, then letting him come back is a bad idea because it will happen again and again.
He's made great progress already, but he is still only halfway to the beginning of his recovery. The only way he can start dealing with whatever it was that got him on this rollercoaster is to be completely sober, and I mean completely.
Good luck!
2007-07-29 19:38:55 · answer #1 · answered by MollyUSA 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and most of it has been hell. He too is an alcoholic and drinks daily. He feels that because he goes to work every day that he doesn't have a problem and that it is all my fault that he drinks. My son is thirteen years old and isn't his; he also blames him for everything as well. I have tried many many ultimatums with him about his drinking and behavior but he only straightens up for a little while then it is back to the same old abusive stuff all over again. I am currently in counseling right now for myself and my son. I told him that he either gets professional help And quits drinking or I am leaving. He has stopped drinking but his behavior is the same; so therefore he has left me no choice but to leave. Hon, take it from me who is struggling to get out-- once you are out, stay out because it seems that he isn't going to change for you because he can't. He has to do it for himself... I wish you the best and I also wish the best for myself...
2007-07-29 16:29:47 · answer #2 · answered by cookie lady 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off I give you credit for not being with him right now. I know tons of women who will NOT leave thier spouse who is addicted to drugs and or alcohol. If you feel his drinking is still a problem then don't get back with him until he is done with the drinking. Stand your ground and you are right, you can't help, the only one that can help him is himself, they just make excuses and blame others for thier addictions. Hang in there, I think you are doing the right thing
2007-07-29 16:07:23 · answer #3 · answered by B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, your reluctance is valid and normal and it should also be pointed out that alcohol itself is a drug. He needs a good period of sobriety to develop coping skills for dealing with life without drugs...this is best accomplished alone, that is, without the added pressures associated with a relationship. Your support will still be welcome and may even help him be stronger, but it's best done without putting yourself in a position to be an enabler. He needs to see that problems he sought to escape while being high are still left unaddressed now that he's sober....they didn't go away. That's a rude awakening for some people and it can sometimes throw them back over the edge so he needs the space to learn strategies to successfully deal with these issues. Usually after a year of sobriety the recovering addict can gingerly seek to reconnect with people in a significant way, but everything done slowly and deliberately offers the best chance for a lasting, successful outcome. Best of luck to you both...it's not easy, but it's worth doing.
2007-07-29 16:06:42 · answer #4 · answered by Captain S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should go to a support group like AA for family of alcoholics, just start there and you will find out some many things about yourself and your relationship. Just really give it a try. Then you will know the answer to your question. GOOD LUCK.
2007-07-29 16:02:53 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is NOT you who can help him stop the drinking. He needs outside help for it.
be very wary that if you get back to him he may be able to force himself to give it up for a short while to where you will start to feel "safe" again and then before you know it you will notice alcohol in the home again.. which could very well lead back to drugs.
do not let him back in your life... just tell him know you want the best for him and that you aren't qualified to help someone get over an alcohol (or drug) addiction.
2007-07-29 16:54:00 · answer #6 · answered by Twizzle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh God no youre not wrong! You did your best,as you said you tried alot. The only person that can help him honey is..Him.When he decides that he loves himself enough to get help to quit, he will. All you can do is tell him you will give him your support,like for example, tell him you will go to AA meetings with him,and he can call you when hes getting the urge to drink,and that you can be his sponser,but that you cant be there for him in a relationship until hes sober,for real,but he will always have to go to AA meetings.Tell him you will do your best to support him and when he becomes sober,you will consider more.. good luck honey
2007-07-29 16:10:31 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you need encouragement to INSIST he get clean BEFORE you move back in together, you have it from me. Don't go live with an alcoholic. He won't get better and you will enable him. He needs to attend AA meetings to get clean. Tell him AA and THEN you, after he's clean for 6 months.
2007-07-29 15:58:26 · answer #8 · answered by Wiser1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, you can't help those that don't help themselves. He knows he has a problem and he needs to fix it not you. You can support whatever he decides to do but be mindful of the fact that it won't help your marriage, it's already broke.
2007-07-29 15:57:34 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to divorce this loser. Who wants to smell alcohol breath the rest of their lives.
2007-07-29 15:58:43 · answer #10 · answered by Britnie G 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋