Am I too judgemental of potential mates?

Question

I am a Christian, and I would like to find a nice Christian girl to settle down with.

I asked a question about an appropriate way to find out if a girl saves herself for marriage.

I recieved several answers that say i am judgemental. I do not feel this is accurate. I can be friends with everybody, but I see potential marriage candidates would have to have the same values as mine ( i am waiting for marriage).

People say God doesn't judge, so I have no reason to. Wouldn't i be more dishonest pretending it didn't affect my feelings? I don't want to hurt anybody. But i mean, we marry people we are totally at peace with, right?

To me the subject is a big red flag. I don't think i am being judgemental, so much as it being a fact that i know this person doesn't share my values.

What do you think?

Answer 1

Lou, she is out there waiting for you to show up on your 'white charger'. You don't have to settle for less.

Answer 2

You are not being judgmental, but I do think that you need to consider more than whether a girl is a virgin. Did she make a mistake earlier in life, and has she repented of it and grown past it? Has she remained pure for a long time? Has she demonstrated that she can do the right thing?

There are so many GREAT resources you should be reading. Read John Gottman. He doesn't write from a Christian perspective but he's pretty much nailed down what red flags you should really be concerned about. And believe me, there are plenty. There's also a book called Finding the Love of Your Life. I don't know the author but it's a good book.

Answer 3

Perhaps you are too upfront about your beliefs.

I believe in God, but I would be scared away by someone that didn't stop talking about religion and such on a date. The same thing with the discussion of sex. I don't believe is is an appropriate topic for a first or second date.

I think you are trying to find exactly the perfect girl, and that's great. But, yes you are being too picky.

What happens if you meet a great Christian girl w/ an amazing personality and similar goals; however, she's not a virgin.

Are you going to pass her buy b/c she's not EXACTLY what you want.

You will find the Right girl for you, but she will never be 100% oerfect,

Answer 4

In life you only get what you settle for and nothing more. Don't settle for anything else than what is going to make you happy. Everyone has certain criteria for a potential mate; some things they are willing to compromise and some things they aren't. If this is something that you aren't willing to compromise on then don't. In a marriage or any committed relationship a common moral/value structure will make things easier.

I don't think you are being to judgmental because you are making the same requirement for yourself as you are for a potential mate. It would be one thing if you were trying to employ a double standard where you expected a girl to save herself for marriage but it was fine for you to take on as many lovers as you wanted to or could. Good for you for waiting. You will find someone when you are supposed to that will make you happy. Good luck.

Answer 5

You don't want to get close to someone who doesn't share your values, so it's best to find out what is most important to you at the beginning.

Young women who do will understand the question. Those who don't will have a problem with it - but those are exactly the ones you don't want to be with.

What you are judging is not the person, or their worth, but rather their suitability as a potential wife. Which everyone does at some point in a relationship - you are just starting out that way.

Answer 6

In your opinion...Does God look down on people who make the average mistake? Looking for a partner that has waited for marriage is admirable, I agree. Now should you meet someone who is of great interest to you, are you then going to let a mistake determine that you will not marry her? From a realistic point of view, finding the person that you seek although not impossible, will be a chore in itself. Lets say for one moment that you get interested in (the perfect) woman and for the sake of argument here, you never ask her if she is a virgin. Plans are made for a marriage when you find out that she indeed is not a virgin. What then? Just something that should be thought about is the fact that to let this decide for you would be extremely judgmental. Just my point of view.

Answer 7

I think its okay to ask these questions but I don't think they are appropriate one the first second or even third date. By then you should know the girl well enough that you should either be able to politely ask this question or simply know the answer.

Saying "Are you saving yourself" makes people a bit defensive, but if you say "How do you feel about people that wait to have sex before marriage" that leaves the question open and not so focused on a personal level. Chances are she will bring up her experience or lack of it when you ask this anyway.

Answer 8

well, i dont think your being judgemental, so much as a little old fashioned and maybe a little prejudiced. i dont know whats wrong with girls who havent saved themselved for marriage or girls who arent exactly christians. what if the love of your life wasnt either one? would you still marry her?

im waiting for marriage too ( or at least till im 18 and moved out) so i understand how you feel about wanting a partner that has waited as well but im completly fine with a guy who might have had experience. All the better for me as long as he gets checked for stds etc.

also, your partner doesnt have to be exactly like you. how much spark would there be if you didnt have something to disagree with each other on?

Answer 9

I think your being totally judgemental, and putting undue pressure on potential girldfriends, - who more likely than not will either lie to you, [ if they are that desperate] or go and find someone a little more sensitive.
EVERYONE makes mistakes buddy, even you will one day, if not already ! ....
If you do find a girl interesting/compatible/ and with mutual attraction, - then let any relationship start afresh - dont dig into her background, but accept her for who she is now, and how she feels about and treats you -
If you cant do this, you may well miss out on who could have been an ideal future wife.

Answer 10

I don't think your being judgemental at all, you have your faith and values and want to meet someone with the same values as you, i don't see anything wrong with that at all, i'm a christian as well, and if me and my hubby were not both christians i don't see how it could work, when you get married, you both have to be on the same page, i'm not saying everyone has to have the same values to get married but it sure makes it alot easier.....so don't feel bad, stick to your guns and don't listen to those who are judging you, only the Lord our Jesus can do that, and i'm sure he will be bringing that special woman into your path real soon....be strong, keep your faith and pray about it.

Answer 11

I don't think that her virginity or lack thereof should be the issue; rather, her current attitude towards sex should be the relevant matter. I think that if you want to marry somebody who believes that sex is as sacred as you do, then that's perfectly reasonable. But what if you met a girl who had sex once when she was 13 and under pressure, but immediately regretted it and hasn't had sex since? Should she be precluded from consideration, even if she shares your values in every other way?

The point is that when looking for a compatible mate, it should be their minds and hearts that are important, not their history.