Is it possible to be very Happily Married on the 2nd marriage?

Question

I made a big huge mistake in marrying the wrong woman in my first marriage. I heard that the 2nd marriage, is the best marriage, if everything else fails, in the first marriage. Is this true??? I am 40.

Answer 1

Yes.
It is definitely possible for a 2nd marriage to be a happy one. It is not automatically happier, though. Each marriage is dependent on the 2 individuals entering into it and on the effort they each put into making it work.

In our case: My husband was married and divorced before I met him (no kids). They had done some counseling before the divorce, and I think he learned quite a bit from that. He also has been a little more motivated to do what it takes to make the marriage work this time. That is really critical to a successful marriage: both people being willing to talk, compromise, and give more than they get. There's a quote I cannot say by whom, but it says each partner should enter into marriage expecting it to be a 60-40 deal: plan to give 60% of the time and receive 40% of the time. Since the two of you also have to deal with life in general, there are times that the overlapping or extra 20% really is necessary.

The big questions I think you need to ask yourself before you consider entering into another marriage are:
1. When did the first marriage begin to go wrong? (If, you should not have married, then what are some of the things you can look at to be sufre you are making a better decision this time.) (If it was sometime after "I do", then think about what you could have done differently when the problems were small.)
2. How have I changed as a person? Have I grown at all?
3. Am I secure enough with myself that I can decide not to marry this person if there are important things that we truly cannot agree on?
4. How honest have you been with this new person (or yourself) about what went wrong in your previous marriage? If you cannot accept that some of the responsibility for making that marriage work was yours, then you are probably not ready to take on such responsibility now either.
5. Are you done grieving or dealing with the old marriage? Don't just say "I'm over her" go see a counselor and ask for their opinion of whether or not you are emotionally at a good place to enter into a lifetime committment. They should be able to help you decide if you still have some issues to work out or not. If you are full of bitterness, resentment, hurt, insecurity, etc., you will place an unfair burden on your new spouse. She should only be responsible for HER actions and reactions to YOU - not whatever the ex might have said or done.
6. Have you asked God into the marriage? I know some people will not agree with this one; that's not my concern. But IMO, the reason our marriage (his 2nd) has worked this long (14 yrs) is because it was a covenant made not only between the 2 of us, but also between each of us and God. When I am so ticked off with him that I probably would not be willing to keep trying, I know that I also made that promise to God, and I don't quit. There are probably times when he feels that way, too.
"A chord of 3 strands is not easily broken"

And, my last suggestion: do some kind of Engaged Encounter weekend or another premarital class or counseling together. I've never met anyone who was sorry they did (not even the people who then decided not to marry each other).

Answer 2

Yes. As long as you recognize, address and resolve what YOU did wrong in the first marriage and don't bring it into the 2nd one. Also, make sure the 2nd wife does the same and that you both have a lot of conversations about all of the things that you and the first wife should've had.

In fact, 2nd marriages can and do last for a lifetime when partners realize that they have to work at it - and aren't so quick to quit just because the other person isn't "perfect".

Answer 3

Well, 2nd marriages aren't always the best, so no, it isn't necessarily true.

My wife's second marriage was a disaster. He ran up tens of thousands of dollars in debt, he turned out to be gay, and he is currently suing her. So, that didn't work out too well for her.

But, and this is a huge but, that's just her experience and hardly represents the overall success of 2nd marriages. For the most part they are happier, more successful marriages, largely because you have a much better idea what it is you need and want out of a marriage, so you'll be more careful making that decision in the first place.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages so I don't think the chances of it are as likely. However its not impossible. My aunt got married and divorced young (no children) and then several years later got married again. They are soon going to have their 20 year anniversary, have 3 children and are very dedicated to their family. They are very happy people. They got married before they were 30 and didn't have much baggage. I am not sure exactly what you are dealing with, but it is very possible to have a successful second marriage.

Answer 5

Sometimes 2nd marriages are more successful and happier than the first because you have, by then, learned a lesson or two from the first marriage. You would know what pitfalls to avoid and what makes a marriage work, more or less.

Answer 6

i wouldnt say that the 2nd marriage is guaranteed good just because of a previous failed marriage, there are people who are happily married the first time, and some dont become happily married until the third time...and so on. So, yes it is very possible to be happily married on the second time!

Answer 7

My husband was married before, and divorced semi-amicably. We've been together for 13 years (which is longer than he knew his first wife - including their marriage), and he seems to be very happy.

The big question is - do you know what was wrong with the first marriage and are you able to make better choices in a spouse the second time around? Can you HONESTLY review what went wrong, including any of your own flaws and issues, and try not to repeat past mistakes?

Answer 8

I am 41 and Yes it's true.
My 1st marriage lasted 13 yrs...but not by choice.
If I had it to do all over again, it would have never happened.
I'm on my 2nd marriage and am happier than I ever thought I could be.
I have never been this happy.
So I have to say that I am very happily married on this 2nd marriage :D

Answer 9

Whether you are happy or not in a marriage does not depend on yourself ONLY. Marriage is a UNION, so it has to depend on the other partner to make it work.

However since this is a secoond marriage, you may already have a different perception in handling marriage. Most probably it will be better off for you if you handle in right this time.

At the end of the day, to be happy does not depend on others. If you depend on others to be HAPPY, you will NEVER be Happy. You have to live life as if you do not depend on others for your happiness. Lived life with full of giving and NOT receiving, and you will be always HAPPY..

Take care

Answer 10

You are expected to fare better in your second marriage as you should have learned from the experiences from the first. However, life is all about learning and we are constantly exposed to new experiences. Hence, we must make it a point to work very hard in our relationship to make it a success. I knew someone who found true happiness with her 4th husband :-)