I think my fiancé is dumb?

Question

When I met him, he was 27 years old living at his dad's house and had just lost a job working as a night auditor at a hotel. We dated for a while then I found out he had an 8 year old son from ex-wife of 4-5 years, which I was attracted to because I wanted to have kids someday and he seemed like a good father and not scared of marriage. He was a nice people person, always helping out and doing romantic things for me. He even started saving up for my engagement ring after only 4 months of us dating then surprised me with it about a year later.

When we met, I was working as a cocktail waitress at bars and drinking couple times a week and he didn’t like it and almost dumped me so I quit drinking to prove I wasn’t an alcoholic (which I wasn’t) and even quit the job so he wouldn’t get jealous and it was just a fun job for me to make extra cash with anyway; I didn’t care about it.

I’m 22, he’s 29 and we’ve been living in MY house for about a year. Now we’re expecting a baby boy next month and I’m not working (I quit my job as a poker dealer because they had no business so it wasn’t worth my time) and he just started a job a month ago as a graveyard cook at a restaurant. Before that, he took his first semester of college and I pretty much did his work for him and tried to explain it to him. I’m not saying I’m a genius but I’ve been to college, tech school and was always head of my class.

He was in the Coast Guard when he was my age, married and taking care of his ex and their son working 2 jobs. He was also in a band doing small bar gigs when I met him. This all sounded good to me but now I’m questioning our relationship. I’ll leave out the other problems we have but my main concern is with money. We both want to start a business and I WILL but I don’t think he has what it takes. Today he told me he wants to quit his job because it’s too much with the 11 hour shifts and he has no time to spend with his son and I, and I would be fine with that but I know he’s not going to help me out as much as I need him to get this business started so we don’t have to worry about money and finding crap jobs.

He doesn’t seem to think long term about things, he gets frustrated, and he’ll enthusiastically help out anyone who asks him which uses up most of his time but when I ask him for help, I get an attitude, it gets done half assed or not at all. He doesn’t have common sense sometimes and I’ll end up having to do what I asked him to do anyway.

When I was on my own, I had plenty of money for my needs, enough space in my house where it wasn’t hard to maintain and it was much easier overall. This guy doesn’t pick up after himself and thinks if he cleans the house once a month I’ll be satisfied. I do almost all housework. He has tons of clothes and the laundry is ridiculous. He’s a packrat and I need an organized clean home to run my business out of.

I’ve always been a generous person and I split everything with him and go out of my way to do things for him. Last week, he told me his paychecks were going to start going into my bank account, then today he grabs all the money and says he’s holding onto it.

We broke up once before because I let his friend stay with us which I thought was for overnight and turned into a month. I finally kicked him out because it was causing problems in our relationship and I’m not supporting an alcoholic grown man 10 years older than me. Fiancé was complaining about how much money he spent on me when I never asked him to do it and I spent just as much, if not more, on him.

Fiancé was offended I asked his friend to leave and one night when I got home from my poker job, both of their stuff was gone and a couple of my things. I actually came home early that night and caught him moving the rest out and he claimed it was an accident and returned my stuff. Two months later he begged for me back and I gave him a chance. I’m sure it’s better living with me than his parents.

I do love this guy and don’t want my baby to grow up without a father, but he’s really holding me back and I can’t take his little toddler temper tantrums when he’s asked to do something. I will have enough of that with my new baby and I need some support by my side, not another kid I have to look after. I’m just writing my thoughts here and wondering if it would be better for me to raise this child alone and work on my business since I doubt he’ll be of much help. I’d never deprive him of seeing his son and hope we could be friends or at least civil with each other.

I might add that I don’t have a family myself except for my grandmother but she will be gone any day now. My mother is a psychotic *****, seriously. She’s even going to mental health court and was on drugs over 10 years. I’m not really allowed to see my younger siblings and they live far. Never met my dad and don’t talk to any other relatives. Will the love of my child be enough to keep me strong to make my dreams come true and our lives better without any other support or help?

Answer 1

thats way too long to read =/

Answer 2

You probably were right to give him a second chance but really, there are two many red flags. If a single guy can't earn enough money to live on his own, not with his mama and daddy, then how is he going to support a family and be a partner in a business. He doesn't want to work a regular job why would he want to work at building a new business that will take more than eleven hours a day for a very long time to get it off the ground. TOO MANY RED FLAGS. Pack up his junk and show him the door. You have enough on your plate to worry about without raising him too. Send him home to his mom and let her finish raising him. Get you life back sweetie.

Answer 3

Well, you already know that marrying him isn't going to make him change. Having a kid won't either since he already has one and still behaves the same way. If you aren't going to get help from him all you will have is another person to take care of and a lot of penned up resentment.

Take some time away from him and see how it goes before you dump him, if that makes it easier.

Since you spent this much time and effort to write this letter it sounds like you already know it isn't going anywhere. And it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you're better off without him.

Any time I've dated someone, when I spend that much time thinking about all the things that are wrong and if I can overlook them, it usually means that I can't or I wouldn't be dwelling on it.

It's also a lot easier to date new people when you're still young and the child is young. If you wait, you'll end up with a bunch of people who also have had bad relationships and kids of their own. The baggage just keeps adding up, it doesn't go away.

Answer 4

I think you should break it off with this guy.
He obviously just isn't working hard enough in the relationship and his attitude sounds watered down and a little bit hopeless.
If he isn't the love of your life, the light that guides you, or if he doesn't make your heart beat faster every time you see him, or make you lost for words at how kind and sweet he is.
Then I think, you should get him out.
This man sounds juvenile, and although he may be kind, unless its true love, you shouldn't enter int a forever binding relationship with him.
The love of you child will definitely be enough to sustain you and its really likely that you will find partner later on in life.
You sound like a smart and confident woman, you don't need a man leeching off your achievements, he will just get in the way and bring you down.
Keep a civil relationship with him, allow him access to your baby and and allow him to be a father, don't allow him to take all you have, treat you badly and then call himself your husband. thats just not on.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Since you are without sin, you have obviously cast the first stone. Too long to read all of it but why not take a closer look at yourself...

Your jobs have been some night clerk at a hotel (did you carry a flashlight and check for locked doors?) Then a cocktail waitress and a card dealer. You claim to have been at the head of your class in tech/college. Those professions don't take a whole lot of brain power. You say you've been to college but apparently are not currently. What degree and grades do you have to show for your "intelligence?" What motivation and drive do you show in your willingness to get ahead in any occupation you have worked?

Ultimately, if you don't accept him for his intelligence level, then you need to seriously consider if he is the one for you.

Answer 6

if you think you can live without your fiance then i suggest you break up with him now before your baby is born. it would be harder for you to get rid of him once he sees the baby. he will make the baby another excuse to stay with you. explain to him that you are not happy with the relationship anymore, that you are holding him back. tell him he would have visitation rights with the baby. just make sure that when you break off with him, that you will stick by your decision. dumping him then getting him back gives him the impression that he could manipulate you. don't worry about surviving after the baby is born. you have the drive, you're ambitious. about not having a family, when you see your baby for the first time, he would be enough inspiration for you to go after your dreams. good luck.

Answer 7

Well, I think you should trust you instincts about him. If he is like this Before you are married don't think he will change After your married. Think of your son, that is your First and Foremost responsibility. It is better that your son be raised with one loving parent, than to be in a home with two parents who constant squabbling. Your son will eventually blame himself for your relationship. Also, think about this, do you want your little boy to pattern his life after his father? He will, if he is around him long enough. If you have this many concerns about your fiance now, you probably know what you need to do in your heart, it's just hard for you to do it. (this is what I think) Good luck to you and you little baby.

Answer 8

Well I wouldn't kick him to the curb yet (give him a chance at least after baby is born to step up to the plate) - but please don't get married for God's sake. You already know it's probably not going to work out. I'd postpone that marriage for as long as you can. It's really easy getting married.....not so easy getting divorced. Think very carefully. I married a guy and thought once we got married he'd change. Well he didn't. And I knew better and did it anyway. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!! I had some stupid justification for it in my head, but even as I was up there I knew in my heart it wasn't going to work. As I said, think very carefully and ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT.

That's the best advice I can give....good luck - I hope things work out for you and your baby.

Answer 9

He sounds like he is lazy and not worthy of your trust. You seem to know, deep down, that he is not the man for you. If you do marry him, it is very likely you will be divorced before you know it (he's been divorced before with kids, he won't have a problem doing it again). You sound like a hard working intelligent woman. Listen to your head and not your heart. It's time to move on.

Answer 10

I'm going to tell it to you real:

1) You think that he is not fiscally responsible. Your difference of opinion on this matter will cause more trouble between you two.

2) The more you "marry" your financial affairs, the more you will have problems. (Sharing checking account? Bad idea!)

3) He probably thinks you are nagging him and that you are a demanding pain who doesn't let him have any fun.

Answer 11

No wonder he bolted. You are obviously much more superior than him. You are going to try to get by on a start up business from your home, and the love of your son is going to carry you through? I just wish I could hear the other side to this story.