continue from backstaber...........?

Question

they won't go back,
because i lost you and track.
oh,why do you do that to me?
why can't we go back before i moved.
can't you listen to your heart,
yourself has fallen apart.
turn back,oh,please turn back.
i need you,
i can't go on like this!
why can't you come back,
you slipped away,
and i'd do anything to erase that day.
girl'this ain't no play.
where's my friend i held in my arms?
please come back.

Answer 1

really nice.

Answer 2

Read your poem out loud...have someone else read it to you...if you really do that, you'll see what we see...your lines are choppy, disconnected, uneven, trite, contrived and cliche.

I'm not being mean, you really need to listen to your poem. This isn't alway easy to do, which is why it's best to have someone read your words back to you "just as you wrote them down". You should not try to correct them, just listen to how they read it and you'll see and hear what's missing or what doesn't work. This isn't something "just" for new poets, it's something any poet worth their salt does if they want their poem to really connect to their readers and say what they see in their minds.

Keep writing!