I feel lonely in my marriage. How can I help this?

Question

My husband and I have ben married for 5 years. We both love each other very much. However, sometimes I feel lonely. Not in my life necessarily, more so in the marriage. He goes through these temporary phases. If you follow Dr. John Gray (author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus), he calls it the "Rubberband Man" or the "Male Intimacy Cycle". It is usually a brief period where our partner may pull away for a short time, then come back. It is never out of anger or frustration in the marriage - it is more for him to be able to "regroup" which allows him to be a better provider and partner. It's a time for him to focus on his needs. I have these times sometimes, too. I call it "me time". Usually, I go for a pedicure or massage, or have lunch with the girls. It may last a day or two. However, his last maybe a week or two. And they seem to be more frequent. Maybe every 4-6 weeks? Everything besides this is going great. He is attentive, caring, compassionate....

Our sex life is great - we are creative and spontaneous, and have sex regularly. We date each other, and wine and dine. We have a lot of plans for the future. This is just the one little area. When he is "rubberbanding" he isn't as touchy feely or as sexual, and it leaves me feeling lonely and almost rejected. How can I combat this? If I push a little, it makes it worse. Should his "me" time last as long as it does?

FYI - when I said "more frequent" I was referring to more frequent than I take "me time" - he is doing this about the same as he always has.

Wow. We have some rude people here today....

Answer 1

I can relate to this...I know and understand exactly how you feel. My husband does the same thing. I know it is healthy to have that 'me time' and he deserves his time too, but I feel that sense of loneliness too, no matter how great all other aspects of our marriage are.

I just try to deal with it and realize it is a phase...or maybe its like a guy's pms...I don't know...but I just have to consciously think about what he is doing...and realize we have our whole lives together...I feel like I am selfish if I push the issue..

I would say just give him the space he needs...and try and be as comforting as you can....

And I notice that when my husband goes through these phases for a week or two at a time, at the end, when he is ready to talk about it, its usually something that happened at work, or he is worried about money...he has a funny way of showing and sharing his emotions about those kinds of issues...I don't know exactly what your situation is....but he really should get his space, just as you do...

Answer 2

Hmm. Well, sounds like you have a really good marriage except for this..so that is a positive.

In answer to your question about how can you help feeling lonely in the marriage...my best advice? I would say that maybe you do what a lot of us do...there is a part of you that almost is expecting him to "fill you up" so to speak. And of course, that simply isn't possible. That is something that we need to be able to do for ourselves...well take that back..sure he can fill you up at times, but not "always".

So, sit down and write about it. Really get in touch with what it is that you are needing and try to find ways to help yourself...it will make you stronger and less dependable on him for that. I mean this with all due respect.

Imagine all of the single women out there...they have to do something to fill up the void of not having a man around at times. So, work on that and see if it helps. Good luck to you and congrats on having such a great guy.

Answer 3

When was the last physical he had? Maybe this is due to some physical change in his body his not aware of. Or it could be just stress. He may not talk to you about work and what happens in the day because:
1. He doesn't want to burden you with it
2. He doesn't want to think about it at home.
I would try to get him to see a doctor and have some test ran first. Men are so stubborn about going to a doctor but if you can convince him to go then do. Then start asking how him about his job. How it went today for starters. See what you can get out of him. It could all be job related.

Answer 4

Try talking to him and telling him that sometimes you feel alone and that you would like to know if there is anything wrong and if you can help. I would suggest being care full though not to make him feel pushed. I do not really have the same problem but I am a guy and I wouldn't mind my wife asking me if everything is ok.

Answer 5

Men do need their space, but the more you let them have the more they take.Have you notice that in the beginning it wasn't as long of the (me or down ) time what ever you call it.Now it's more frequent and longer,if you are up set with his mood swings you need to tell him that you don't mind that he takes times for himself but what you do mind is when he treats you like you are not there.I have been married to the same man for 28 years and like you i never wanted to rock the boat and he knew this and took full advantage of it or me should i say. Just be very careful because while you think you are doing a good thing by letting him have his (down) time he could be taking that as a sign that you are falling out of love with him.The next thing you know he is crying on some females shoulder in the office that you don't care for him. She will make him think you are a horrible wife who don't deserve you. That is what happened to me,my husbands (down) time turned into 21/2 years . Remember you can't read your husbands mind and don't ever assume you know your husband because you don't. I was a good mother and wife,had home cooked meals on the table every night waiting for him,we had a very good sex life i never said no or had head aches, we talked and laughed.and i thought had fun together just like you. What went wrong was me giving him to much space for another female to step right in and take my place. All though he did come back home only now there is no more (down) time for him .

Answer 6

I am a big fan of Dr. Gray and his books. It's good to read them and to understand the subject at hand but sometimes we have to use some of our own philosophy and life experience. I think your husband is getting way too often into these 'male intimacy cycle' By what you say, he's out of it 2 weeks out of 4. Maybe something else is going on at work or in his private life....I would keep track (in a journal) of those phases and try to connect them to events, I know you don't think he's cheating but none of us are protected against it, check phone bills, credit card statements etc....Good luck.

Answer 7

Yeah, I have to agree with the others. You just sound plain selfish. The guy is obviously a great person and provider. Ease up on him.
Here's a tip. Next time he does this, do and say nothing. Just go with your life and I bet you'll find that this will force his "me" time to be significantly shortened. Your questioning will just feed his desire to spend more time away from you. The probably just needs some air. By the way, You are very fortunate to have what you have. Good luck.

Answer 8

Marriage is about compromise. No one is going to make you happy all the time. Both of you need to understand the other's needs and work to meet them.

He just may not understand your need for companionship and conversation. It tends to not be as important to men as women.

Try reading one or both of the following books together.
"Fall in Love, Stay in Love" by W. Harley
"The Five Love Languages" by Chapman

Answer 9

You need to stop reading stupid ****.

Sounds like you HAD a GREAT man until you started reading stupid girly crap. Go read a Dr. Laura book (she understands men at least) or some PROFESSIONAL books -- think about the title and the potential maturity level of a book titled Men are from Mars and Women from Venus -- I'd give that about a 1.

Answer 10

Nice story. Get a hobby and make some friends. Sounds like you have to much time on your hands and you are a complainer. I got the proof in the e-mails you have sent me.