My heart beat is yours.
So you can never go.
I'd miss you every second.
Stay here forever.
Every moment better than the last.
I wish we could stay like this forever.
A smile won't ever leave my face.
We're perfect in every way,
And everyone knows.
Don't say a word.
I can hear your heart beat miles away.
Because its my heart beat to.
Kinda short but what do you think?
2007-07-29 10:19:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anna 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Yes poems do rhyme, but this poem is called free verse. Meaning it doesnt have to rhyme.
2007-07-29 10:28:12 · update #1
I like it!!! I used to write poetry all the time; it helps you no matter what the situation is, kinda therapeutic! But I love it!nicely done! =]
2007-07-29 10:29:13 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I hear what you're trying to say, but you have a few problems here. I know, everyone else thought it was wonderful, but here is my analysis anyway.
There are two main problems with the poem:
1. repetative, flat lines
2. naive concept of love
1. stay here forever, every moment better than the last, smile won't leave my face, perfect in every way, everyone knows, don't say a word, hear your heartbeat. Do you hear how common those lines are? How cliche? Yet they make up the major part of your poem! You could have found a different way to say the same things, but you didn't, you just stuck common lines back to back, slapped on a title and said, "here, check out my poem". Sorry, poems deserve more than that.
2. Naive concept of love: my heartbeat is yours...okay so far, a little cliche, but acceptable. "So you can never go." and "Stay here forever" Whoa! you are "telling" the love of your life how they must behave? good luck with that; love is freely given, not demanded. "I'd miss you every second"...exageration...a little over the top if by iteself, but here it's a continuation on obsession. "Every moment better than the last"...is this a commercial, or reality? Nobody can promise that every moment will be better than the last, unless they are intentionally misleading someone. "I wish we could stay like this forever"??? are you sure? Can you imagine how boring that would be? If you'd said, "I wish this feeling would last a lifetime", okay, that would be acceptable because you're tallking about how you "feel", not about what's going on. "A smile won't ever leave my face"...if you really believe that, you'll be very, very, very disappointed with real life. "We're perfect in every way"...I've been married to the same woman for almost 28 years, and no, you are "NOT" perfect in every way, even if you last that long.
Your spelling and punctuation need work as well. The last two lines are part of the same sentence, at least parallel sentences, but you end the second to last line with a period...that means "stop". "Also" is "too", not "to".
What I really think you should do is write down a few things that you "really" feel, in your own words without reciting a cliche, and see how they fit. There are many poems that describe what you're trying to describe, and they are able to avoid the pitfalls you fell into. I think because of your desire to write a good poem, you probably can, but you'll need to go back to the drawing board. Sure, you could keep writing "Poems" just like the one you just posted and there will be those who will tell you how good they are...but you'll never improve. If you want to really be a good poet, you'll listen and be more creative. Use your words to maximum affect and choose them wisely.
good luck, and keep writing
2007-08-02 16:28:47 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I really like it , like i said a poem dosnt have to ryheme it just has to express the meaning you know there is a poem that goes like this :
A Frog and a Fly Gulp. and thats it , its a famous poem can you see the message its a small stupid one but there is one.
2007-07-29 18:24:22 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like it. It seems very deep. You could be a writer, a very good poet.
2007-07-29 17:22:33 · answer #4 · answered by Lacy Q 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I thought poems had to rhyme ..like
my heart beat is yours
it feels like all cures...etcetc
2007-07-29 17:25:02 · answer #5 · answered by standandwork 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Heartbeat is 1 word and the last line should be, "Because it's my heartbeat, too."
2007-07-29 17:23:54 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
It's not that short. And it's good.
2007-08-02 01:36:19 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I liked it Anna
2007-07-29 17:38:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
It's really good! And sweet! I like it.
2007-07-29 18:31:13 · answer #9 · answered by <peachy.queen> 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
its sincere and sweet :) good poem.
2007-07-29 19:08:19 · answer #10 · answered by knight of cydonia 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋