Does this make me a horrible man?

Question

Two days ago my girlfriend gave the news she is pregnant. I had always told her that I never had the desire to be a father. Obviously the birth control method she was using was not so effective and she became pregnant. She told me she will have the baby, I'd never ask her to have an abortion. I have rejected her and the child, I told her that I love her very much, but I'm not willing to raise that child or to give her any child support. I think she is the one who wants the child, not me. I made this very clear to her. She called me cold harted and insensitive. I love her very much, but I don't think I'll be a good father. We were planning to move in together. Everything was going right until she got pregnant. She asked me if I was going to be part of that child's life, and I think I'm willing to visit him once in awhile. I wish this wouldn't be happening right now. I know this will be very difficult for her, but a future with me is a future without children.

Answer 1

no matter what you say you are responsible, you chose to play and now you will have to pay up buddy.
it`s jerks like you that make all men look like dogs

Answer 2

Whenever you have sex, protected or not, there is a chance of pregnancy. You mentioned she was using birth control, if this was such a big deal, you should have used a back up method also. Two are always more effective than one. It is also not up to you whether you give her child support. It took both of you to make the baby and although you have made the choice not to be a daddy, you are a father and it is your responsibility to make sure that child has what it needs, at least financially, and a court of law will tell you how much. Rather than cold hearted and insensitive, I think selfish and scared sound more like it. Also, don't visit the child once in a while. Either be a part of their life, or not. Don't put a child through a sometimes I want you but most of the time I don't father relationship. So stop the selfishness with you. If you don't want this, move on and let her do the same. She will find someone someday who will step up. If you're not willing to, end it now and walk away. this is not said to you in anger, just common sense. Good luck. And use condoms next time along with the girl's birth control, or better yet, get a vasectomy.

Answer 3

I'll probably get crucified right along with you, but no, I don't think you're horrible at all. And this is coming from a woman who is 7 months pregnant.

Neither me, nor my boyfriend ever wanted children. I was on the pill, and despite our monogamous six year union, we used condoms as well. Something went wrong somewhere anyway. I wasn't comfortable with having an abortion, and decided to keep the baby. I gave him the option to go, no strings attatched, no expectiations for anything, financial or otherwise. I was actually relieved to hear he was hoping I would keep the baby. I'm not saying this to try to change your mind, just to tell you I certainly know how you feel. I don't regret my choice at all, but that doesn't mean I didn't cry and shake and hyperventilate when I got my test results.

Anyway, I've always been of the opinion that if a woman can opt out of parenthood, a man should have the same choice. I think that choice should have to be made in the same time constraints a woman has--i.e. you can't just abandon your six year old, but you should be able to decide early in the pregnancy, "Hey, fatherhood just isn't for me." I will never understand why a woman who doesn't want to become a mother gets all sorts of options, and nothing less than the most sympathetic shoulders to cry on, but a man who doesn't want to become a father is a demon. Women have all the power, and with power comes responsibility. She needs to take responsibility.

It's easy to say get fixed. It's hard to do if you're young, unmarried, and childfree. I was turned down for a tubal by numerous doctors. My boyfriend, who's 29, was turned down for vasectomy. (Ironically, my ob, who I started seeing after becomming pregnant, has no problem sterilizing young women...) It's easy to say use protection, but protection doesn't always work. It's easy to say you knew what you were getting into when you slept with her, but I think, given that you have never been anything but honest on where the children issue stood, she knew what she was getting into with you, as well. I'd even say she had MORE responsiblity. Since she was the one who could end up pregnant, she whould have realized that doing so would mean single parenthood.

It's a crap situation, and of course her feelings are going to be hurts. That's natural. But that doesn't mean that you don't have feelings too. Best wishes through this.

Answer 4

Too late!! You are already a father wither you want to be one or not!!!

You may not have nothing to do with this child but you will always be the dad because of the blood that flows through it's veins. And as far as the support issue the courts can make you pay for this child wither you want to or not! A simple DNA test will tell them all they need to know.

You don't know for sure that you won't be a good father when you have never been one before.

And if you love her as much as you say you do then you wouldn't be rejecting her!!! You aren't even gonna try and make this work!

Look at it this way, you say you love her and that she loves you, this baby was made from your love!! It is you and her! It's blood is yours and hers! It was made by the passion, and desire, and love that you feel from one another. How can you push her to the side when she is carrying what you made out of love.

Take it from me being a parent can be hard but there are great rewards!! I don't regret my children. Being a parent isn't something that you can learn over night it takes time and over time you become better at it.

No one is the perfect parent at first! You won't know until you have tried!!

If you love her as you say you do then you will give this a try. You might be surprised at how you feel about this baby once it is born.

Answer 5

First of all, I have to agree with what some of the others are saying....NO birth control method (other than abstinence) is 100%. So you had sex and opps!, someone got pregnant; it happens all the time!!

Secondly, even if you don't want the child and want to step out of the child's life forever (which doesn't sound like what you want) you are still LEGALLY responsible for support for that child until they are 18 years old under the letter of the law. Your gf can take you to court and get support, whether you like it or not.....that's just the cold hard reality of the situation.

Thirdly, since you don't really sound like you want to totally walk away from this child and your gf, then why don't you just swallow your fears and step up to the plate, be a grown-up and take on the responsibility like your gf is doing??? There's no "parent class" to take, no "handbook" they give out....you just get this wonderful little bundle of a baby that makes you want to cry when you look at him or her and you realize that everything else in life is so immaterial, compared to that child.

Finally, if you do choose to walk away from this responsibility, then make a clean break. Don't come round and visit once in a while because it will only confuse the child and you say that you don't want children anyway!! Just send your support and stay out of your ex-gf and child's life, would be my recommendation.

Do I think you're horrible? No, not horrible.....but I do think you are selfish, self-centered and immature. Grow up and take on your responsibility. Like I tell my son.....if you're not ready to deal with the possible consequences, then don't have sex.

Answer 6

falls under the saying "DO THE CRIME DO THE TIME"

you get a lil' respect for telling her that your feelings on being a father, but look at this way you just also created another statistic in society.

Sex is a wonderful thing but think about the outcome litteraly. women find it very emotional, (heartfelt), MEN just something to get our rocks off so to speak.

It's a whole different world when there is a child involved in the picture. Now you feel that your life is ruined cause she got knocked up.
There are two that are responsible now, YOU AND HER. This child will need all the dependent care that is required.
YES your life has changed and so has hers and all that are around you.

Responsibility in this goes along with responsibility in working, taking care of yourself and anything else you do. By not showing any responsibility in this area just really shows that you yourself is still a child and also someone that others will have a hard time trusting in life as it goes on.

By also not stepping up to the plate and doing your part with this child, you will be answer to the state for child support and garnishment of wages and things along those sort if she and or family pursues the legal course of action.

You do have the right not to see the child, that is your choice, but the least you could do is pay the support that the child is due per the state mandate.

NEXT TIME: put a sock on the pickle and you won't have to worry about the outcome as much..

Answer 7

You just are thinking all that now. If you love her you'll love that child no problem. You may be the best father in the world once you hold that baby in your arms and look into his/her very cute face. You are going to miss out on a lot if you choose to not be in this child's life. Don't let your own bad experiences as child dictate whether you want to be a parent or not. You can decide to love that child and his/her mom and have a great family life for the rest of your life. If you walk away from this you'll just live a life of regret and every time you see a little child the age of your baby you'll feel like a jerk.

Answer 8

In the first place, if u were so str8 forward in the begining, and you both knew where u stood on having children, mayb you wouldnt b in this situation!? If you seriously dont want children, y not consider havin a Vasectomy?? The point is, the child is coming, and theres nothing you can do to change that. You have nine months to figure out what ur goin to do, and I guess u have been thinkin about it, or else you wouldn't have posted the question. You know in your heart, what to do, and your feeling guilty, and u should, shame on U! You really should call her, and really talk about everything. If you love her, you owe her that much. Dont throw her and ur baby away because 'your not ready', now's not the time to be selfish. Be a Man and do the right thing. Any man can make a child, but it takes a REAL MAN to be a FATHER!!--think about it..

Answer 9

but the fact is that accidents sometimes happen, birth control can fail, and you are acting like it is all her fault. It took your sperm to get her that way. You are being a insensitive, and cold hearted jerk, have you stopped to think about how she is feeling about all of this? Maybe she wants this baby or maybe she is just as scared. But if she is completely against abortion and in your own way you are making her make a choice the baby or you. You are being completely thoughtless and you really dont love her as much as you say you do.If you ask me she is better off without you. I have met many people throughout my life who didnt want children but an accident happened and they have a child and they are the best parent they can be. One option is to at least try it out, see if you can be a father. Maybe you will be a better father than you think, what is holding you back, did you have a crappy dad and are afraid that you are going to do the same thing? Regardless, she can take you to court and get child support from you and that would be in the child's best interest, but that would also give you rights to that child, if you can live with yourself and know that you have a child on this earth and you dont want to have anything to do with that child I would suggest cutting all strings with her and the baby so she can move on with her life and get over your sorry, irresponsible *** and make a life for herself and your child. When the child is born, get an attorney and sign away all your rights to the child then go get yourself a sterlization so that you wont have to go through this again.

Answer 10

You aren't going to like this answer, but you asked:

You're not a horrible man. A man would never put the needs of himself ahead of the needs of the mother of his child. Nor would a man ever knowingly abandon his unborn son, knowing that he will need a father figure.

These are the actions of a boy, who decided that he wanted Sex, but not children (did you not know that they often go hand in hand?). If you really wanted no Chidren, you could have abstained from sex.

You say you love her, but your actions don't follow this logic, as you have set you and your needs above those of the woman you love. If you loved her, this would not be an option. It is the childish wanting your cake and eating it too that keeps you from being a man. You say "the birth control method she was using was not so effective and she became pregnant." Sounds nice, except it begs the question, "well, what about the birth control YOU were using, and it is YOUR baby too. And the sad thing is that this is the legacy you leave for your son.

I beg of you to grow up, be the man you want to be, and become the father you are. Otherwise, the damage you are inflicting upon the poor soul that you have helped to create will be the one who will suffer.

Answer 11

Any man can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father. So not only are you horrible, but you are not a man at all. If you don't want kids you shouldn't be having sex. No birth control is 100% effective. And unfortunately for you, if she gets the courts involved for child support and you don't pay, you can go to jail.