How to shake off a 'friend' that you really don't want? Preferably without any drama!?

Question

Many years ago when I was with my first husband his best mate had a nightmare girlfriend.You know the type,after I had only known her a week she was calling me in the middle of the night crying down the phone! Also stuff like turning up at my house and not leaving for 12 hrs,talking about nothing but herself and turning every meeting into a counselling session! She just wore me out. When I split with my husband I moved away and didn't give her my number.10 yrs later I am happily remarried with 2 more kids. His best friend brought his new girlfriend round to meet us.Guess who it was!! The same bloody girl! She greeted me like a puppy and was going on about fate and karma and the joy of us being reunited! To make it worse she is now married to my husband's mate and there is no getting away from her.I'm not leaving town again! How do I get away from this woman without causing a major rift! Oh,and I am also godmother to their child so I get hit up for babysitting every week.

She hasn't changed a bit! And is just as thick skinned as ever.Not returning her calls or texts has no effect.

I adore my goddaughter and don't want to lose her over this.

Answer 1

You are asking how to shake off an unwanted friend but that is not really your problem. The real problem is how do you live with the fact that you cannot get away from her. First, you need to set some boundaries. For example, tell her that you do not accept phone calls after 10pm (she can leave a message on your voice-mail). Ask her to call before arriving at your home because you are a very busy mother now. If she needs counseling suggest that she get professional counseling because when friends counsel each other it usually ruins the friendship.

You can still be friends with her but set limits and make the relationship comfortable for you. I know that you don't want her as a friend but she is part of your husband's life and you can make this situation work.

Nobody on the planet can be a friend 100% of the time; we all need some time by ourselves.

Answer 2

Good lord... this would suck. First.. you can't be the babysitter every week. This arrangement gives her every opportunity to see you on a weekly basis. If you're watching her kid every Tue or whatever, you need to find a hobby or group that meets that night. A bookclub or what have you. Just because you're the godmother, doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold. I'd pursue finding an activity that contradicts the night your 'friend' needs you to babysit. If you think this activity may be something your friend might want to join, then pick something bad. I'd tell her you've been re-born and need to go to some particular church or something. Pick something she has no interest in. You only need to go a few times to 'validate' it to her, and after that, you only need to go out those nights if she seems to push. She sounds a bit pushy, but if you give equal force doing your own thing, she'll get the hint. It may take a few months, but even if she's dense, she'll get it. By choosing to remove yourself from her strings, you set yourself up to put a little space between you without doing it in an offensive way. Think about it and try to find something she'd have no interest in. Pretend to like something you know she doesn't, and then take it to the next level.

Answer 3

I thought about that for a bit before I wrote. you cant really get rid of her can you because of the connections involved around her.
and shes probably not mature enough to have someone put it to her straight. so the best way is to not let it get to you.

in the same way people who live next to railway line. at first its really annoying and it keeps them up at night - the trains randomly passing and shaking the ground. over time through conditioning (by not really paying attention to it, but by paying attention ot other things) it pretty much disappears, they no longer notice the vibration through the floor or the noise - almost like its not there.

do you see what I mean there - just dont put your attention on her any more than required - get on with other things and let her disappear into the background

best I can come up with

worst is, find some people highly skilled at being annoying and live with them for a few months - after that she'll be blissfuly peaceful because your experince will have things much worse to compare her to -but that is really impractical, and perhaps not as helpful.

btw, did you do something really bad in previous life? cos that has to be some of the worst luck going.

Answer 4

If you don't want to lose contact with your god daughter then you may not have a choice in the matter. If you stop seeing her mother you will have to stop the child. Even you can work that much out surely. I would suggest you leave town- blimely looks like you might have to be blighted by the blasted woman forever. Just arrange your time so you see her less- keep busy and don't make plans to meet up- is that possible?

Answer 5

This sounds like such bad luck! I feel for you. First of all being God mother only means you get the kid if anything happens to both parents right? So let it be known right away you only babysit for very good reasons. Also try telling her your not into living on the phone. Tell her that you generally like to keep to yourself. Don't talk a lot about your marriage to her. Don't tell her all your details about your life. Stay very guarded with her. Hopefully your unwillingness to be best friends with her will have her cling on to someone else. If in some cases she pushes you into a corner to have to be blunt with her don't be afraid to do it. People will take advantage of anyone they can! Even if it is to get you to sit on the phone all day. There is nothing worse than a person that tries to make everything about themselves. Who wants to hear that all day from someone you don't care for. If you do have a best friend bore her by talking about your friend.

Answer 6

That's incredibly bad luck that this woman has resurfaced in your life. Bit like Janice out of 'Friends' when Chandler and Monica find a new house and discover who the neighbours are...

This is a tricky situation as your husbands mate is now married to her...your husband is entitled to have whoever he wants as a mate; but unfortunately this means she's not going to disappear quickly.

Number of ways around this:

1. Is she really all that bad? She does sound like a nightmare, but can you tolerate her? Do you see her loads? For a start, put your foot down about the babysitting. I would just come straight out with that one and say I'm sorry, I'm not available to look after your child once a week! Just be doing something everytime she needs you to look after her brat.
So, can you learn to live with her? Maybe try and look for the best in her??!

2. Be evasive. Go out with friends/shopping/cinema/getting your hair done/taking dog for a walk etc etc. when you know she's coming over...

3. Talk to your husband about your feelings. Does she behave like this around everyone? i.e. pouring her heart out etc.??surely he'd be as pissed off by now if she's like that around him too.

4. The hardest one. Just confront her with how you feel.(eek) Sounds like someone needs to tell her! In this scenario I would gently explain that you find it difficult as she's so intense all the time. (you can also mention that you don't like being taken for granted being a childminder) If this softly softly approach doesn't work, then you're going to have to be more firm, such as 'Sorry, I can't talk to you tonight, I'm exhausted as it is'! I bet she's driven people away through her full on approach, and this is the reason why she's latched onto you when you showed a bit of kindness...

good luck!!

Answer 7

Make yourself unavailable to babysit so often, just once a month is plenty, cut her off slowly but progressively - be unavailable, have previous plans, just don't let her sink her claws in again or there will be no escape. What a cruel twist of fate for you, this almost sounds like a TV show or movie - maybe you should write a script! Good luck!

Answer 8

I've had the same type of "friend" and the only way they seem to get the message is if you're as downright rude as they are! Don't always be available for babysitting and don't answer phone calls, knocks at the door etc. She'll get the message sooner or later. Good luck.

Answer 9

Ok ha ha ha so rare!! Well 10 years are 10 years peolple change. The lonelyness of her have now disapeared so the crying also have disapeared. So that is a good point because now she is the problem of her husband not yours.
So do not worry it is better to relax the relationship but in a low level.
Greetings.

Answer 10

Its a bit odd but you can get people like this to stay away from you by talking about yourself for hours on end. Every time she tries to change the subject, you bring it back round to you. She will get tired of you very quickly. Works every time with the selfish ones! You sort of be them and of course, they don't realise what you are up to as they are too daft.