My boyfriend is going to jail for possibly two years. We have been together for seven, he has cheated on me so many times and he hangs out all night. We no longer live together because of our fighting, eventhough I think he just wants his space. We have a four yr old son and I have helped in raising his other children. I do know that now he needs me more than anything but he still hangs out all night and treats me as a baby mother instead of a spouse of seven yrs. I am fed up with trying to give my all to him and I just feel that I cant make him happy. My question is should I leave him or should I stick by his side through this time. There are two sides to every story and I am sure that he can come up with complaints about me as well, but I am just tired of this. Would I be wrong to leave him now ? Should I be a strong woman and take care of my man while he is away and pray for a change? I have not talked to him in four days and I know he already feels like I dont have his back?
2007-07-29 07:26:37 · 31 answers · asked by jwilliamsinvestments 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Two year vacation? Sounds like the perfect time for you and your son to make a new start. I think you should leave him.
Sure, every story has two sides, but that doesn't justify his behavior. You sound like you're incredibly concerned for him, and it doesn't sound like that's a two way street here. This just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
It doesn't really take a strong woman to stand by a man who treats her like trash. All that takes is a little brain washing. If you really want to be a strong woman, stand up for yourself. And if you can't do it for you, do it for your son. Environment does have lot to do with how we turn out. I bet you can provide a healthy one--this man obviously can't.
2007-07-29 08:44:53 · answer #1 · answered by thegnomeofwrath 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave him now before he can damage your son! Do you want your son growing up around him teaching him bad things. Your son can already see what his dad does. They do the majority of there learning in the first 5 years of life.
Your son will grow up acting like him and never really know that it is bad. Because he will have been taught by his dad how to treat a woman. Do you want your son treating women the way his dad treats you????
He cheats on you, never comes home, and treats you like a nobody!!! Why should you stay? If he honestly loved you he wouldn't do these things to you.
He only relies on you being there for him when he wants you and not when you need him. Can't you see the pattern here? It is all about me,me,me!!! As long as it is about him his happy, but if you metion you or his kids it's a fight.
Yeah he needs his space to do his other women in. If you were fighting all the time it was because of the things that he was doing that you didn't approve of. He doesn't want rules or security. He wants the freedom to do what ever he like without consequences. And if you aren't living with him he has that freedom. Because you live apart and he doesn't have to answer to you anylonger in his own home it is his and he makes the rules!!!
No one in the worlds relationships are perfect. We all have our faults. Yes he may have some complaints about you but I am sure that they are no where near the amount that you have went through with him.
Jail can change people some times but not always. Some are good for a bit when they get out but they still go back!!
You say that he has other children. How many? And how many different moms are involved here?
Instead of putting your life on hold for another 2 years for someone who couldn't possibly love you because if he did he wouldn't be like he is move on!!!!!
Go looking for Mr.Right. Find you a guy that will treat you and your son well. One that will love and respect you and your son. I think that you have played your boyfriends little game long enough. It is time to call his bluff and win!!!!
I know that you may love him and this may be hard for you to do. But you really need to wake up and smell the coffee here!!
7 years you have devoted to this man. You have given him all that you can. You have supported him through thick and thin. Bent over backwards to tryin please him. What has he given you other than your precious son? Think about this! What????
You have stood by him long enough. You have given him 7 years to change but yet he hasn't. I honestly don't think that 2 years more are gonna make a differeance here. Because he already knows what you have ignored and put up with when it comes to him and it will only be a matter of time before that resurfaces after jail. Because you have already forgiven him one 2 many times and he has became accustom to this out of you. He will automatically assume that you will go through this again with him!!
So leave. You don't need to prove loyalty here. You have already did that for seven years. Were did his loyalty lie???
Good Luck and I hope that this helps!!!
2007-07-29 15:30:53 · answer #2 · answered by rockn75 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sound like a classic Enabler.
You call him your "boyfriend" .. but you don't describe a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.. what I'm reading is a Mother/Son type of relationship.
You are "comfortable" for him. He can live his life ANY way he chooses without regard for you OR his children and you put up with all of it and call it "love" and "standing by him".
Sounds like a disfunctional parent/child relationship to me.
But hey.. if that's what you want then stay.
IF you decide to stay it's not going to get better.. and if you leave.. he has two years in jail to think about what he's NOT contributed to you or his kids and perhaps make the needed changes to be a Man for the first time in his life.
2007-07-29 18:57:56 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh, dear heart we all here know you should leave him. But why haven't you done so yet? He is a cheater, and possibly lying to you as well. A good man would not do this to you.
But, you love him, and it really is a question of can you do without him? You really need to wake up and see he doesn't love you the same way you love him. Men who use women like he uses you are not good men. You can't and won't change him. You have needed him all this time, and he only thinks with his ''you-know-what", and is always on the prowl for sex.
I want you to leave him, you have no obligation, and yes it will hurt, but you have to move on. In time you may find a real man, who won't be cheating, going to jail, moving out, etc. I hope you have the courage to do this, And really, his stupidity has cost him his freedom. You don't need to be there for him any longer.
God bless you. Now it's really your choice.
2007-07-29 14:44:15 · answer #4 · answered by Nifty Bill 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have short-changed yourself and can do a lot better than this. He doesn't treat you like a spouse of 7 years because you aren't a spouse to him. I think that holding out for the ring before living together and having baby would have caused him to run (because he wasn't committed enough to you) OR caused him to have more respect for you as his wife. You should get your priorities in order - 1. your child 2. you. Praying for your man to change is not what a strong woman does. Just because you have a child with him does not make him your man - sounds like he's everyone's man. Utilizing the time he is away to get things in order for you and your child is what a strong woman would do. You are not married to him and do not owe him ****. He has cheated on you repeatedly and treated you like a slave and a nanny to his other children. Why would you wait around for him to come back with more of the same for you? Is this what you want your son to be like when he grows up? If he is around this and your boyfriend is the primary male influence in his life, he WILL grow up just like that. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? If you do, I think that someday you will feel that your life was wasted. Go for real love in yours and your son's lives.
2007-07-29 14:41:23 · answer #5 · answered by Mrs. Goddess 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He sounds like he has been emotionally abusive to you, his repeated affairs, fighting, neglecting you and his child while he stays out, etc!! Now, he has gotten himself in jail?
He doesn't treat you with respect. He wants "space"? He has a child, but choose to neglect that responsiblity.
Can you get into some counseling for yourself, to figure out WHY you allow this man to treat you this way. It's not your fault that he lacks certain core values, but it is up to you to if you continue to live that way.
You cannot make him change. Prayer may give you peace, but if he doesn't want the change for himself, it will not happen.
Use this time to really think about what you want for your future and for your child. Is this a healthy example for the child?
You deserve more for yourself and your child other than a cheating man who does not value you, but uses you to support him. He is an adult and should be the 'man' for this family. Sounds like he has been acting completely selfishly, leaving YOU to be the 'strong' woman. Be strong for your child and giving him a better life.
2007-07-29 14:56:36 · answer #6 · answered by joyh 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Taking care of "your man" while he is in jail does not make you a strong woman. A strong woman is one who knows her own worth and does not find it in any man. I do think you should be a "strong woman" as you put it; and I think the way to do that is to leave this "man" and just worry about taking care of your child and yourself. I have been married to my husband for over six years, and he doesn't sound too different from yours, and trust me, they don't change. The longer you stay and put up with his behaviors, the longer he will think that it is acceptable and that you will not leave. I left my husband 10 months ago, and got my own place for my children and I, and we are all much better off. You would be too. So embrace your inner strength and leave, for your child's sake as well as your own.
2007-07-29 15:27:10 · answer #7 · answered by aquarius_tattoo 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes I think you should leave him ... why? This is not a healthy relationship for you & your child, just because he needs you to do everything for him (like raise his other kids and be there for him) what are you getting out of this???
Seven years is a long time to be together but with this time apart you can do one of two things ... use this time to see if you really need him in your life, date others, find yourself, be a mom to your child ... or you can pine away for someone who won't change ... Good Luck!
2007-07-29 14:38:35 · answer #8 · answered by emnari 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First, why are you hanging with a convicted person? Surely you are a lady of better class,.
And, why are you with some guy who has cheated on you.. Do you like being the "Jerk in Reserve"?
As women, we attract what we are... My suggestion to you is to go back to school, and get better!!!!! No great guy, with a nice job, will ever know you if you aren't on his level. You can spend your time waiting for this jerk, giving the clear impression to your child(ren) that it is okay to be in jail, it is okay to cheat, and be cheated on, it is okay to be treated as a baby, and trash, it is okay to put up with what you are putting up with. OR, hon, you can get your act together, put your life on hold for a few years, get into a training program or a degree program and make your own future. (You appear to handle English well, so for sure you're not stupid!!!)
As my mama said to me when I was 13, and drilled it into my head all thru my teens, "Children and your education are forever--- husbands, lovers and promises are not"
Thank you mama.
You should be a "strong woman", (your words) and dump this jerk forever, and go for gold, hon, not pot metal, if you get my drift.
(P.S. And sweetie, he ain't "your man" you are his booty call. And an unfaithful one, at that.)
2007-07-29 15:31:55 · answer #9 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't feel your man DESERVES to have you be there for him. It sure doesn't sound like he's ever been there for YOU, cheating and whatnot...
I think now is the time to make your break with him--going to jail for that long means he did something pretty serious, and he'll never get a good job after that. Unless you want to support this guy forever, move on and find a better man.
2007-07-29 14:32:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋