Committing Adultery - Need help to stop?

Question

I do love my partner, but I find that I get a kick out of having initmate relations with someone else, especially if they too are married or in a relation. What is strange is that when I try to perform with my partner, it takes time for me to reach orgasm, and more often than not, it doesn't happen. However, with other women, I find that I come earlier than I want to. This may be entirley psychological and this is a sick and dirty habit I want to get rid of. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what tools did you use to stop this horrbible betrayal? Regards

Thanks for the replies so far. I was never like this and I had condemned these crimes of passion before. I can trace ehere this addiction came from. I did get some counselling, which did help a lot. But it seems I have relapsed. I agree with most of the respondents' stern messages. Not all men are like this (I have met women as well who have betrayed their husbands), and I for one want to eject from this addiction and rejoin the normal community of commitment and honesty. As a result of your kind feedback, I will seek counselling again to help me free myself from this prison of betrayal and extreme behaviour. Pls continue to add comments. And thanks for your help. Rgds

Thanks again. You have been concerned about STDs. I have never had unprotected sex. I have been careful on health matters. But I think I know that path I need to tread to break free and thansk for the websites one of you has provided. To Retro.... dude, you are engaged.... commit to your fiance. It is tempting to have even long distant relations and it is a a taste of the forbidden. Break away from that before you end up like me. Good luck.

Answer 1

You have to want to change. There is no outside force that keeps you from controlling yourself. This behavior is a choice of your own.

Sure, the affairs have that element of the forbidden and secrecy that adds to the excitement. The partner, new and different.

Most likely, you have taken so much of your mental energy away from your marriage that you are now having problems. Add in some guilt and all the effort it takes to keep up your secret life,,,well, no wonder you have trouble at home.

Your wife deserves so much more than this kind of life from you. If she doesn't know, then her life is a lie and she will be heartbroken when she finds out, and it does tend to come to light sooner or later. You are putting her at risk for STD's or the wrath of an "other woman" who gets it in her head she should have more from you than she is! Set her free if she doesn't want an 'open' marriage and you continue like this.

Only you can set up stronger boundaries for yourself. Most likely, if you remove all that 'outside' stuff, your relationship with your wife will improve. This IS all in your head. Something lacking within you. Only YOU can fix it.

I've heard this from others with porn/sexual addictions. Look into sexual addictions. Seek a counselor for yourself that is experienced with sexual addictions.

FAQ's: Sex Addiction
http://www.sexaddict.com/
DOUGLAS WEISS, Ph.D.
1. WHAT IS SEX ADDICTION?
Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.
2. WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME SEXUALLY ADDICTED?
This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.
3. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX ADDICTION AND A HIGH SEX DRIVE?
I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It's not about a fix for something; when their partner says "NO" it doesn't make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue.

4. CAN YOU BE ADDICTED TO MASTURBATION?
Yes, this is by far the most common sex addiction that I have treated in working with sex addiction. This usually is the first sexual behavior many of us will have on a repeated basis. This is usually where the sexual compulsion starts with sex addicts and this behavior, regardless of other acquired behaviors, usually stays active.
5. WHAT ROLE DOES PORNOGRAPHY PLAY IN SEX ADDICTION?
Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person.
6. CAN SOMEONE BE A SEX ADDICT AND NOT BE SEXUAL WITH THEIR SPOUSE OR COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP?
YES! We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict/anorexic avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently and often at the partners request not the addict/anorexics.
7. WHAT IS IT LIKE TO LIVE WITH A SEX ADDICT FROM A PARTNER'S OR WIFE'S PERSPECTIVE?
The partners/wives of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can't open up and tell you about his "real" self. The confusion of even after you do certain behaviors that this still is not enough and the hopelessness that there isn't enough. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common.
Now that I know, What Should I Do?
8. CAN PARTNERS GET HELP EVEN IF THE SEX ADDICT DOESN'T?
Yes, even if the addict stays in denial of their addiction the partner can receive help and support for herself. The feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and many other feelings encountered over the years of living with this addiction will effect a person. These feelings need to be dealt with therapeutically whether they stay married to the addict or not. The addiction was in no way your doing as a partner or wife, the addicts addiction started many years before you even met your addict. This addiction would have grown and damaged anyone they would have related to in any relationship.
9. IS THERE RECOVERY FOR SEX ADDICTION?
Yes, there is recovery for sex addiction. This recovery takes time and hard work especially in the first year but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives. I have seen marriages made better than they ever were and addicts live much happier lives than they ever thought possible. I have been in successful recovery over eleven years and I know it's available for those who choose to work for and maintain recovery.
10. IS THERE RESEARCH ON SEX ADDICTION AVAILABLE?
There is research being done in the field of sexual addiction. The monitored mail list of Heart to Heart Counseling centers provides weekly research information as well as excerpts from 101 Practical Exercises for sexual addiction recovery as well as Twelve Step discussions. To subscribe go to:
http://www.sexaddict.com/Newsletter.html

Answer 2

Self-centeredness is the primary factor with cheaters. I don't think you have an "addiction", but a character defect. YOU just believe that YOU are the most important person in the universe and what you want, you go get, even if it means endangering an innocent person's health (like your wife's). That's not love, by the way! If you are having a hard time coming with your wife, can you imagine how much fun she's NOT having with you? Selfish people don't make very good lovers. But, thank God, you want to change your ways, so there may be a glimmer of hope for you, only, and I mean ONLY if you get some professional counseling. In the meantime, consider this: take charge of your behavior and knock it off. Look in the phone book under marriage counseling.

Answer 3

My Dear:
Its says that forbidden fruit tastes sweeter and many cheaters would agree with that statement.
I think the problem with you is your wife,you need a more adventrous wife or maybe you just need excitement!

If you feel shes the problem its better you let her go,she deserves to be happy and in a sick way so do you!Do everyone a favour and never commit to anyone again because you will do the samething to them.

I doubt if counselling will help you because you are heavily addicted.
What i can tell you to do is to try turning to God and hopefully you shall from the religious point of view stop.
If that doesnot work just imagine another woman when you are with your wife that way you cheat on her with her.Its sounds a little low and sick but a least you will not be with another woman.

Hope you find whats best for you.
Goodluck,sanam

Answer 4

I think that counseling would give you some better insight than yahoo Q&A. What is going on with you is pretty damned serious. I applaud you for wanting to stop & it sounds like you need help doing it. I don't think it's as simple for you as "if you love her, you'll stop". I think you are dealing with a type of addiction - it might be the adrenaline rush you get from different situations i.e. the first time with someone, possibly getting caught, knowing you are doing something wrong, etc. Get help now so it doesn't continue - if you don't, you WILL get caught and your partner will dump you. Also, imagine how devastated your partner will be. Not exactly the right way to treat someone you love.

Answer 5

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/VtHvK

Answer 6

I'm with you there, except I've never been physical about it. I'm engaged, but I seem to have the need to give my heart to others.
Not just the normal love I feel for all people, but the same love I have for my fiancee, I end up falling for other women. Thankfully I never get physical, but I know there will be a first time, and it worries me.

Right now I am having a long distance relationship which I know is wrong on so many levels, but I cannot deny that I am truly in love. My fiancee probably doesn't mean as much to me any more.

Answer 7

1. Tell your partner, that should do it. You may continue fooling with other women but it won't be adultery any more because she will have either left you or approved of it.

2. Introduce her to the partners of your flings and they can join you in cheating together.

3. Get a really bad disease (it shouldn't be hard to do and could rehabilitate you quickly.)

4. Try getting your mate to go with you for sexual classes for adults and work together on whatever ideas tickle both your fancies and things may improve at home.

5. Grow up!

Answer 8

You are the perfect example of what is wrong with men these days, most of y'all think with your genitals instead of your hearts. You are a married man and when you took the vowels of marriage you made a promise to her to be faithful to her. You need to come clean to your wife about EVERYTHING! She has a right to know that there is the possibility that you gave her an STD. Any woman who would sleep with a married man is a home wrecking w****.When you were cheating on your wife did you ever stop to think about STD's? You disgust me! I can not tell you if your wife will forgive you or not but what I can tell you is that she will no longer trust you.

Answer 9

Does your partner know about this?

I see that you added a comment that you will attend counseling again as you did before and it helped for a while...

but if you ultimately cannot stop doing what you do, then perhaps you should admit your "problem" to your partner and let her decide for herself whether or not she wants to stay with you.

Answer 10

My ex wife committed adultery. Don't hurt your spouse. Just end the marriage. Why keep doing it? If you truly love your partner, then you would not hurt your partner. You need to decide whether you truly are in love with your partner or yourself. I have no compassion for those who committ adultery. Your judgement will come someday. You better clean up your act and repent of your sins.

Answer 11

Admitting you have a problem is the first step in overcoming your addiction to this type of behavior. Now go seek counseling and undertake the "12 step program" much like alcoholics go through.

I wish you the best of luck and only move forward in achieving your goal of forsaking others and remaining devoted only to your significant other!