I really really don't want to get married but my boyfriend has popped the question. What should I do?

Question

I said I'd think about it! We've been together almost 4 years and lived together for 2 - if I was going to marry anyone, it would be him, but I hate the idea of marriage - being a "wife", "belonging" to someone. I just think marriage is so outdated and pointless, and I don't want to make it difficult for us to split up if things go wrong. I mean, I don't think we will, at the moment, but then most people think that don't they, then they all get divorced. The idea of so much pointless commitment scares me.

Hey men, what would you think of your girlfriend if she hated the idea of marriage? Would you start looking elsewhere? Guess this is what I'm really worried about.

Sweet Suzy 777.

"Sex is for married people only. You should never give yourself to anyone, but your husband. That is a privilege reserved only for him. You are committing the sin of fornication by having sex with him out of wed lock."

Not in my religion it ain't.

"Your future children will also be legitimate."

Children are children are children. The idea of an "illegitimate child" is highly insulting to the child.

Why should you worry about him looking for someone else, when you want no part of commitment?

About the only decent thing you've said. Well, I mean I worry about his commitment now. If we don't get along in the future, of course, his options should be open too.

Answer 1

Just say NO.

Answer 2

Sex is for married people only. You should never give yourself to anyone, but your husband. That is a privilege reserved only for him. You are committing the sin of fornication by having sex with him out of wed lock.

He has been disrespecting you, by living with you. He is now doing the right thing, by asking you to marry him. Marriage is a life long commitment as it should be. You will understand more the older you get. Life doesn't stand still and before you know it, you will be old. Having a committed husband will make life a lot easier. Your future children will also be legitimate.

Why should you worry about him looking for someone else, when you want no part of commitment?

If you think the commitment of marriage is pointless, you are very immature and you should move out and grow up, before you marry anyone.

Answer 3

Well, I'm obviously not a man, but I agree with you about marriage. I once asked my boyfriend if we'd been together 10 years, would he want to be married to me? His answer was yes. He knows I feel differently.

After a lot of thinking, I've come to the conclusion that marriage is a necessary evil. It is so ingrained into society and so many laws depend on it, that it's difficult to avoid. The fact that these laws haven't moved on enough with the age of the working woman says a lot about this society's backward attitude and unwillingness to adapt.

I won't even consider getting married until I have children, when I think I might for their protection. I would love to stay unmarried in my happy relationship, but I think I'm going to have to give in eventually. I'm just putting it off as long as possible - leave my options open :)

But bear in mind if you are living together, and especially if you own a house together, splitting up will be difficult anyway.

Best wishes in your quest.
abdotzed

P.S. ...or do what one of my friend did (she also never wants to get married) - say yes, on the condition that he organises the entire wedding. She and her boyfriend are engaged...and have been for the last 6 years

Answer 4

I totally know how you feel. I have the same feelings about marriage. I am in a very secure relationship and don't feel as though I need to change anything about my situation. However, my boyfriend is very into the whole marriage thing. Basically, I told him from day one how I feel about marriage and he accepts it. He still asks me to marry him every other week and I have told him that one day I will probably say yes. He is just happy to have the secure relationship that we have. I think often people marry out of insecurity in the relationship. I think that if you explain to your partner that you are committed to him and that he would be the one to marry if anyone then this should be enough for him. At the end of the day, loving eachother is about making eachother happy and wanting to do the best for the other person. Talk it through, I'm sure he will understand and he can explin any insecurities that he might have.

Sorry for the long winded answer, I just feel very strongly about this situation and good luck
xxx

Answer 5

being married doesnt mean you belong to someone. it means you are going to commit yourself to this person and the two of you are going to share your lives together. if you have been living together for two years already then it sounds as if you get along fairly well. if you are already thinking of the problem of splitting things up if things go wrong then you probably just arent ready to commit to a serious relationship. it isnt that marriage is outdated and pointless but peoples moral values are not the same as lets say 20 yrs ago. the divorce rate is so high because people get into marriages before they are ready and dont want to stay to work through some of their differences. marriage is supposed to be a sacred union between two people but if you have all of these doubts then talk to your boyfriend and let him know what your views of marriage are.

Answer 6

I am ten years with my partner. We were both married before. He has popped the question several times, and I have always said " I can't.I don't want to."
He accepts this; that doesn't mean he is happy with it though. I did go through a phase of wondering if he would get fed up and leave, and once or twice I have thought about saying "yes".
But I know myself; I know that I would start to feel trapped as soon as I did say it, and I would want out. As long as I can see an escape route, I am happy to be with him. If he forced the issue, I could not stay with him
Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him about your fears. You do take a chance by doing this of course. I wouldn't for a minute suggest that "if he loves you, he'll understand."
He may not understand. He may want different things;eg, he may feel happier and more secure if you were legally married.
Be fair to him and be honest too. Tell him how much you love him, and that if it's not broken, it doesn't need fixing. Tell him how secure and happy you feel with him anyway......and best wishes!

Answer 7

you could talk to him about your fear and maybe have a commital ceremony between both of you that's not recorded at the court house as a legal document and see if you can handle that level of commitment.You already live together and get along.some people freak out over the piece of paper.
I am also afraid or legal marriage but I would probably stay with someone under a common law marriage which you already have because I would feel freer that way.
Marriage makes some people feel trapped and it does not mean you don't want to be with that person.

Answer 8

Let him go. This is what my boyfriend told me. "We both have different goals on life, and marriage is not one of mine."
Basically, he wants marriage, and he wants it now.
You do want to marry him, but you are scared of the committment and because people put it in your head that its a fact that a little over 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
I suggest that you accept the proposal, but say you want to wait for the wedding. I know people who have been engaged for 10 years, no lie.
It will take time for you to decide whether you really want to marry him, or if you are going to let your thoughts ruin the relationship.
He might go look somewhere else, I feel that if my partner was not in marriage, it would make me feel like he wouldnt want to marry me, and thats the idea that you are putting in his head, and nothing can change that, even you telling him that if you were to marry anyone it would be him, but you just dont want marriage right now.
Talk to him, and decide what you want to do. The consequences may be hurtful, but you cant leave him hanging if you dont want the same.

Answer 9

I agree, I don't like the idea of marriage either and I already know I will never get married. (Actually, I don't even like the restrictions of traditional dating, but that's beyond this scope.) People should know this about me by the time they show interest, so I just keep saying no to any unwanted advances. Maybe he really feels the same, maybe you'll change your mind later, you two might compromise, or might break up - who knows! Just try to discuss it, and keep true to yourself and your views. I think you'll be happier for it. :)

(Haha - I loved your reponse to Suzy)

Answer 10

I don't think you should be so opposed about getting married. If you've been with him for 5 years and feel like you two are great together, then don't completely rule out the idea of getting married.

It's easy to get discouraged, because of all the divorces, but do you know how many morons get married? Not many people understand the concept of marriage.

Anyway, if you're not ready...then, be honest with him.

But don't be surprised if he decides to find someone else who shares what he wants. (Not saying he will cheat, but he might break up with you)

Then again, maybe he'll be ok with it.

Just think long and hard about it.

Answer 11

If that is how you feel, then marrying him would do him a disservice.
When you turn him down.. explain to him your view of what Marriage IS.
He may want to rethink a life with you in any capacity because it sounds like the differences in opinion of what "being together" is are already completely conflicting.