Marriage Advice - Feeling alone and invisible?

Question

Firstly my apologies if this all sounds so pityful. I recently got married, however, since returning from honeymoon, my new husband has just gone back to his sloppy ways, thoughtless ways. Everytime I try and talk to him about anything, it's like having a conversation with a stroppy teen. He seems to spend most of his time sleeping, or playing on his computer. I feel so alone with everything, it's making me feel really bitter towards our life together. We own our home, and have lots of nice things, but he doesn't seem to appreciate any of it or respect any of the responsibilities that come with it. I spent my whole life working really hard to have my own home, the nice car, and little luxuries, my new husband is now a part of all that. I feel like he should want to look after our home, to care what i think and feel about things, but all i ever see him do, is winge, or sleep, or play stupid card games on the pc. This is not how i saw marriage, I have tried talking things through...

Each time we've talked it's like i've got the message across, but then it just goes straight back... like a vicious circle. I have walked out this morning, i doubt he even realises, still snoozing in bed. I feel so alone, so cold and empty... why does he make me feel so unloved and unappreciated! If i had never told him how i feel then i would expect the 'can't be bothered' approach but i have, and yet it still seems like it's too much effort for him? What is happening? I'm not his mother, i'm not his cook, cleaner, and social worker.... I'm his wife! I need support too, i need to feel loved too, so why don't i get it?

Answer 1

have one last talk,tell him how you feel,that you expected more from him,if he can't deliver can you carry on like this,good luck.looks like it's time to move on,he doesn't deserve you

Answer 2

I'm having a hard time understanding that this man changed his personality overnight, because that's not possible. This is the man you married.

Now, you cannot let anyone mistreat and disrespect you like that. You have to get your self respect, pride and dignity and knock this waste out of bed. You have to get some power and control and threaten that this will stop right now. You will not let him waste a wonderful time in your life making you miserable. He's being so selfish that he should be alone, because that's the way he's making you feel.

A marriage is when two people in love will do anything to make each other happy, not themselves. If they take care of themselves, then why are they in a relationship?

Confront this guy once and for all not asking questions, but telling him that if he's going to focus solely on what he wants, then you're going to do that too. Dinner, laundry, etc. are over. This is not what you want and if he keeps it up, you will file for divorce. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant because it will definitely get worse.

I wish you all the luck. God Bless

Answer 3

I dont want to be harsh but you say he's gone back to his sloppy ways so obviously this has been an ongoing problem.
You cant change your basic personality and maybe this guy likes being sloppy -most men are if they have a wife to clean up after them.
I do sympathise with your situation and I know how important it is to have the nice house and car ...its the norm I guess but dont forget you in the equation.
Go out and do something for you. Join a class or group with the same interests -all women if you want but by having an interest outside of your home and marriage it will make you feel more valued and worthwhile.
In general, men are hopeless. Their mothers wipe their bottoms until they get a wife who'll hopefully continue to do so.
And while its nice and right and proper to look after your man, youre not his servant.
Do something for yourself and you might see a change and if you dont, well, you might have made some nice new mates -you certainly wont have lost anything
Good luck chick

Answer 4

as the other answers state marraige was not invented to change men
the only thing you can change is you if you want that is
if you do everything then he simply wont wil he
stop doing everything for him
leave his laundry in the basket just wash yours
cook for you not him
clean up after you not him
see what happens
he sounds down
perhaps you both need some space to realise why you got married in the first place
organising a wedding can take over you life the year before it happens and now it's over you both experience a lull.
time for a new project. Suggest you both get invovled in something or separately you need more than just work and housework to get through life otherwise it's just boring.
Get out and about in you community and find whats out there to interest you.
dont give up this soon, give him soem space but then bring up the issue again if he remains the same ask is he depressed or something?
And by the way donnt go getting pregnant to see if that fixes things cos believe me things will be even harder then if he stays as he is now.
Good luck.
And if it does'nt come good, prepare to accept him as he is or think about whether you want this relationship at all.

Answer 5

I understand how you feel. Men can act really childish and immature sometimes. He obviously isnt mature enough to handle a relationship if all he can do is sit on the computer and ignore you. Is this something that a lot of men do? My stepdad acts a lot like your husband too.

People wont change after getting married. Old habits cant be changed. Its like the saying 'leopards dont change their spots'. People think that by getting marriage, the person will get out of their sloppy ways, but a lot of the time they dont change. It is a shame that you didnt recognise this at the start. Has he always been the same?

Sometimes, men think that because they are now married, they dont have to pull their weight either.

Answer 6

you say you recently got married and your new husband WENT BACK to his sloppy ways.... which means he was like this before you married?

I suspect perhaps you told him to straighten up before the marriage and he did so just long enough to get you to think it would be ok to marry him? And now that everything is "safe" he dropped the act?

if you are already having these feelings at the beginning of the marriage you should really try and go to marital counseling. Don't wait until things get worse and worse to where you are actually thinking that divorce might be best.

with counseling you might find the right compromises to keep both of you happy to be able to move forward to have a good marriage instead of you just waiting and waiting and waiting for him to change. Don't waste time by waiting. Don't let him waste you time by making you wait. But you have to realize that you both will have to make some compromises here. You can't expect him to change EVERYTHING. If he plays his stupid card games for say 3 hours, have him compromise it down to 1 hour. You may think its stupid but obviously for him its entertainment..... or, are you talking about gambling? Gambling is a whole other issue that I personally won't tolerate at all.

if he won't compromise for you, that is a huge sign for you to make a final decision on whether or not you are going to stay with him.

like I said, demand that the two of you go to counseling together--obviously just you talking to him isn't working so you need a third party who can help you. Don't delay this and become more miserable.

Answer 7

sounds to me like he's quite a lazy person and he's just given over responsibility to you on everything - in fact, he sounds like he's back home with his mum doing everything for him, which is what you are doing.
I think you have to start as you mean to go on, which means only cook your meals and leave him to forage for his own. If he wants a meal then he has to agree to wash up the dishes afterwards. Get some trade-off like that. Agree to iron his clothes if he agrees to vacuum the house.
Marriage is about give and take and sometimes you can have a sloppy period and your partner should bear with that. But this sounds like a chronic habit.
I think you have to treat him like a lazy child in your house. I fyou had a kid, you would want them to pull themselves together because the real world is a harsh place, so you'd probably try some 'tough love'.
It's going to be hard but, heck, you can't live the rest of your marriage like this. Good luck.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

You said that your husband has gone back to his old ways before you were married? Did you think that getting married would change him? You said that this is not how you saw being married, did you discuss with him what you wanted from a marriage? I'm afraid people don't change unless they really want to and if this is his nature then you might just have to accept it or get a divorce! If there anything postive about him you didn't mention anything? Could he be depressed?

Answer 10

I noticed that you said "gone back" to his ways. If he was like this before the wedding why did you marry him? And please don't take that as criticism.
It honestly doesn't sound like this man wants to be a part of the life you want for you both - and you can't change that I'm afraid.
My (soon to be Ex) husband has just behaved the same, he's sacrificed everything that we had together, nice home, nice cars, two fantastic kids, to lead a single mans life while still having the perks of a wife (meals prepared, laundry, house kept etc). He joined the police as a Special, went out and had tattoos, which he knew I hated, he bought a motor bike, ran up huge debts and spends more time out of the house than he does in these days doing Police stuff. I've finally snapped and said that enough is enough, so we are now in the process of separating - but it's taken me 16 years to open my eyes to this, please don't waste your time with a man who isn't prepared to spend time with you.
Good luck. x

Answer 11

It sounds like an unbalanced relationship. By that I mean, you bring a lot into this marriage, but he brings almost nothing. How does he feel about being an add on? If he's like most males, he feels emasculated and unmotivated to do anything.

In my experience, men are motivated to change when they feel appreciated. It is hard to appreciate something that should be done anyway, but if it gets you what you want, it's worth it.