Poetry Help?

Question

heres one of my poems, please be honest.[im unpublished]


Face the day.
Without you its so much harder.
You make things right and life fun.
Listening to the sound of your voice makes my heart melt.
Thinking about you makes me smile ear to ear.
I hope you have the same problem.
And i hope you don't take that offensivley.
Hope that its just as hard for me to be gone.
Face the Day.

Face the Day.
I know i can.
But with you here, i'd never want the day to end.
Your everything i've ever wanted.
I hope im the same for you.
I dream every night of what is meant to be.
I close my eyes during the day and see you and me.
Just you relize im not ready to
Face the Day.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuegKjhBxwtmk4HWIk5yrEXsy6IX?qid=20070729032734AAAGiPS

[all my poems are copy written]

Answer 1

Anna, I'm glad you asked for "honest" comments. It is difficult to put "your children" in the beauty pageant called "posting"...but if you're going to do it, you need to be prepared to hear what some of the judges may say, because it isn't always "you're great, get published". Motivation is key to commentary, and some want to encourage you, others want to be the best answer, some just don't know the difference between good and bad, but they know what they like (at least the honest ones), some are just mean and want to put you down, and others want to help you make your poem better and see you be a better poet...which helps us all.

With that in mind, let's look at your poem. The first thing that catches my eye is the bracketing you did with 'Face the Day'. It is a good device, if used correctly. However, you could have done better. How? by making the line just before it and just after it (end or beginning) make "sense" with it. For example, you did it correctly in the second to last line...and that's the way to make your echoed phrase "make sense" Next is punctuation and spelling. Yes, it matters even in poetry...in fact, it matters "more" in poetry because poetry is more about subtle differences and nuances of words, phrases...and even "pacing". For example, let's look at one of your lines: "But with you here, I'd never want the day to end."
now, compare that to:
But, with you, here, I'd never want the day to end." Do you see how just the addition of a comma after "but" and "you" changed the phrase? You suddenly said that it wasn't just with "you", it was with you "here". that is the real power of punctuation. Spelling...well, use a spellchecker, but understand that it's and its sounds the same and spellcheckers may not pick up the difference...but they would have helped you spell "offensively" and "realize" correctly :)

Your theme was fine, but your line lengths need to be trimmed so they flow more evenly. Be careful of using "I" too much at the beginning of a line...we know it's "you" talking. For example, you could have said,
"I hope I'm the same for you
dream every night...
close my eyes..." etc.

Not a bad attempt, just do some editing and keep working on it. When you think you've tinkered all you can with it, put it down and come back to it after several other poems are written...I promise it will look different than you remembered it....and that's a good thing.

keep writing

Answer 2

I like it for the most part I can't put my hand on what I don't like about right now. I do have one question why do have I lowercased is it because you feel iralvant or was just a mistake.

Answer 3

Very nice poem anna, makes me think of my x that i still love that's how i felt or still feel.........

anyway very nice you've got some talent

Answer 4

it's simple but nice. a little too nail on the headish, but whatever you said what you needed to say

Answer 5

wow that's really nice. I think it's a great poem :)

Answer 6

it's a good poem i think you should publish it