how about this poem?

Question

this one rhymes and is written with a purpose. this one i wrote with kind of a moral behind it. thoughts?

the half of me that you can keep

is whole and perfect and complete

distanced from the rest of me

to ensure the guaruntee

that you won't lose your interest

i keep it clean and organized

for your attention that i prize

reeling you in with my eyes

and hope that i don't jeopardize

a friend that i consider best

of course there is the other half

flawed and filthy from the past

secrets i won't let you have

and promises away i cast

don't pull back the curtain

these halves of me are quite the same

as those that you hold to your name

but just like me you only claim

the one you show to gain your fame

but surely this is certain:

i know the other half of you

is there no matter what you do

but i will make a promise to

always love the entire you

so one day you can join them

Answer 1

its real good man keep up the good work

Answer 2

It's clear you have an ear for rhyme...now, here's what I suggest: try a different rhyme scheme and try using lines with more beats. Paired couplets, especially "short" paired couplets will beat your ears to death. Really. Try making your lines twice as long and try a different pattern. Since you hear rhymes pretty well, try doing something with a aaba pattern, like in the Rubiayat, or an arched rhyme with abba, or even just a simple abab cdcd rhyme pattern. I think you'll be more satisfied with the result and you'll be able to say "more" in the same number of lines because you can say "more" between the rhymes. Watch, we'll take four of your lines and change the last word in just the third line:

these halves of me are quite the same
as those that you hold to your name
And yet you claim that you're like me
the one you show to gain your fame

Do you see how the break in the rhyme allowed the last line to bring it back without sounding so tired? That is one of the poetic devices poets use to keep their work interesting and less predictable.

You have a good ear, just practice different styles, patterns, etc., and perhaps even rewrite this poem using the technique I showed you with your poem above.

Good luck and keep writing!

Answer 3

Great! You did take my comments to heart!
Your moral is basically talking about not showing your true colours. But at the end, you seem to contradict your moral by saying that "these halves of me are quite the same", saying that you are showing your true colours! At the end, you also said that "I know the other half of you"; you're saying that [following your moral] you are not showing your true colours, but the other person is and you know it and you love the entire "other person".

Looking at this poem and the previous one, you seem to be taking a great poetic interest in Romance & Poetry! That's great! Keep it up, the 21st century Shakespeare! :P

Answer 4

We are all light & dark, good & evil, open & secretive... but if we don't show are true selves to others we are partial truth tellers and can never entirely love or be loved under those conditions. Pull back your white silk curtain and reveal to us your true self: the good, bad, and the ugly!

Answer 5

say, it's not a good idea to tell us what you mean in the beginning. a good poem already tells us. I have made this mistake, too.

one thing is clear and that is you have control of simple rhyme.
keep working on it.

Answer 6

really quite nice!