How do you stop questioning your husband regarding his affair?

Question

My husband says he wants to make our marriage work and I want that too. I have never felt so unsure about myself before. We didn't communicate about alot of stuff and I feel that led to the affair. I've been asking him about details and he has lied to me (he says he lies so not to hurt me). I just feel like I need to know everything, so that way I can just get over it (or decide not to). I just don't want to find out about something later and open up the hurt all over again. Should I just let it go and judge my husband by how he is with me know or do I need to know everything, so that I can keep it from happening again?

Answer 1

Your lack of communication may have had a part in the fact that your husband ventured outside of your relationship. You didn't want to communicate before but now all of a sudden you want to communicate and find out all of the details. You have all of the information you really need to know. There was a problem. Your husband found a way to deal with it by being with someone else. If you do not want him to do the same thing again, you might want to do something different and acting untrusting and insecure is not the way to go. If you want to love your husband and be with him, then do just that. Love him and be with him. If he gives you all of the details of his infidelity it is not going to help you get over anything. You would never let him live anything down. If you want to love your husband and forgive him, then that's what you have got to do. I know it hurts. If you feel that you can't get past his cheating then you are well within your right to leave. But you can't have it both ways. You have to decide what you want and follow that decision whole-heartedly.
Good Luck

Answer 2

Ugh, I wish I wasn't able to relate. I was cheated on, and went through the same thing... wanted to know every single detail, every place, every activity, every word spoken, every EVERYTHING. I could not be satisfied.

You will never fully get over it, I'm sorry to say. Everything may be going well for a year or two-- and then that one night he is out "with the boys" or "working late" it will all come back to you. The insecurity, the images in your head...

To answer your question, you have to make a decision to either love your husband or not.

If you are going to love your husband, you have to stop thinking about the affair. I know it's easier said than done, but you just have to stop yourself whenever those thoughts creep over you. It is in the PAST, just like, say, a relationship you had with an ex-boyfriend before you got married-- it has no bearing on what your life is TODAY.

If you realize that you cannot love your husband anymore, then you have a different decision to make: Do you want to stay married to him anyway? (Maybe you have children, religious issues, etc.?) If you choose this path, you might end up having an affair of your own, in search of your own source of love and affection (and probably some revenge). Does this sound like a satisying way to live your life??

Sometimes, sex is just that-- SEX. It is not love or a soulmate connection or a lasting marriage. It hurts when you learn the other person has had sex with someone else, but if it was only sex and not an involved, romantic relationship, it would seem like there is hope for you to forgive your husband, and for the two of you to rebuild for a happy marriage.

Best of luck.

Answer 3

In all honesty I think that you have every right to have the honest answers to those questions. He says that he lies so not to hurt you, but what did cheating do?? That hurt you and he did that, ( sorry, my sympathy lies completely with you and not with him) so if he can hurt you by cheating, why not let you know what happened so you can move past this?

If you are wanting the answers simply so you can figure out if you can get over it, or not...then I think that is healthy and fine, but I caught the last sentence you said. Do you need to know everything so "you" can keep it from happening again.

Let me tell you something that happened to me. I was in therapy and was dealing with trust issues. My husband wasn't cheating or anything, but I was still all worried about things and was trying to be more trusting. I told my therapist something like..."I just need to know how I can keep him faithful". He told me to go home and think about how I thought "I" could keep him faithful. I racked my brain all week long and couldn't come up with anything that I could do that would make him stay faithful to me. I went back to my therapist and said, "I couldn't think of anything that would ensure that". He said, " That's right, only your husband can ensure that. I was shocked. I think I actually thought that it was within my power, but it wasn't and it isn't for you either. When your husband had the affair, it was a problem with him. Honey, just because you were having problems...just no excuse and don't you ever forget it. Good luck..hope this helps.

Answer 4

Lets look at this from two different sides.. I have been cheated on numerous times, twice being while married..My last marriage, I did a "retaliation cheat", which hurt me and my husband..From past experience (on HIS part), once a cheater, always a cheater.
My "retaliation cheat" was found out about and I believe in all aspects that we were going to be okay..He wanted detail after detail and I had honestly 'blocked' alot of the details. He was furious saying I just 'did not want to remember'..We went into marriage counceling for several months, yet he would not let up on wanting every detail of the affair..his not letting up inevitably caused our divorce. I knew the details would kill him inside.
If you love your husband, let the affair go, or end the marriage if you cannot. Trust him for what he says and base the future of your marriage upon his future behavior..just keep your eyes wide open.
The details will hurt you and leave you feeling inadequate, in one way or another..so my experienced advice would be, let it go, or let him go. Good luck to you.
I will also add, that I know, for myself, I will never have another affair as long as I live. It is not worth the hurt to you, your spouse and your kids..when you cheat, you 'cheat' yourself AND you family.

Answer 5

Rehashing the details of the affair just feeds your insecurity and serves no other purpose, you have to stop doing that if your marriage has any chance of growing.
There are no guarantees that any marriage will survive whether there is a history of affairs or not so my advice would be to keep working on your relationship but don't place every ounce of happiness and your entire self-esteem on another human.

Answer 6

You seem to be blaming yourself for a choice he made. Seek therapy. Would you choose to have an affair? A good therapist will help you deal with it if you decide to stay with him. Actions speak louder than words. If he says he wants to make the marriage work, then look at his actions. He committed adultery and that's grounds for divorce, so what he chose to do was really bad.

Answer 7

You should see a good counselor that can help you learn how to trust him again. You may not want all the details, because you can't forget them. If you do decide to stay, you both have to work on the relationship and accept him from this point on. He should be willing to do as much as you need, within reason, to be able to make it work.

Remember, you can always back out, too, if you have really tried and you just can't get over it. He wronged your relationship, you and himself.

Good Luck.

Answer 8

I think everyone is different, but for me, I could never stop wondering. It would gnaw at me. I don't know if that's bad advice or not. I just want to say that I would be feeling the same way. When trust is breached, it's so hard to retrieve it. Especially if you have problems with trust in the first place (as is my case.) Hang tough. If he truly loves you, and is on the up and up, he will understand.

Answer 9

I would need to know the details because my imagination would probably conjure up scenario's much worse than what actually happened!
I would need to know everything so that it was shared between us and we could deal with the reality of what happened and then hopefully put it behind us.
You could say you need to know and talk it over because the communication issue that led to this affair is not a place you want to go again.

Bravo to you for wanting to try to make it work and for accepting the part you may have played in his straying. His wanting to "sweep it under the carpet" will not allow for healing so be forthright and and sincere in your request for knowledge. I wish you a strong heart to deal with this pain and the ability to forgive and move ahead- no matter how it turns out.

Answer 10

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