so, my husband and i have always had a rocky relationship. we've had really bad times, and good ones. its been 5 yrs and we have 2 kids. we are at a point where we just "get along" when the kids are around b/c i told him about a month ago that i love him just have very different feelings for him, i'm not "in love". we've been trying to work on things but i just don't feel like he cares enough about me. he told me he doesn't think he's the right guy for me if i want him to be so "gushy" and he's not going to change. i just felt like a husband is supposed to show more care and affection toward his wife if he still loves her. i think his lack of doing these things is what made me fall out of love.i'm going home for my birthday and he was pretty angry that i wanted to go home and see my family. i didn't intend on it being a marriage seperation but he has been looking for new apartments and i really think he's going to treat this as a step toward divorce. any advice?
2007-07-28 15:45:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he hasn't ALWAYS been the husband that isn't affectionate, things have changed drastically over the last year. he USED to do all the little caring things i love so much, he doesn't ANYMORE....
2007-07-28 16:01:11 · update #1
also, when i mean being caring and affectionate, i mean doing little things that are considerate, such as bringing me a drink just because he knows i don't have one with my meal yet or asking if i'm ok after i fall or burn myself on accident. and by affection, i don't mean making out in walmart, i mean sitting next to me on the couch with an arm around me when we're watching a movie, just little signs of affection...
2007-07-28 16:09:03 · update #2
"i just felt like a husband is supposed to show more care and affection toward his wife if he still loves her" So WHY did you marry this man in the first place? Why did you choose to base your marriage vows on a lie? If he was not your idea of what a husband should be then why did you choose to marry him?
YOU are just as much at fault, as he is, in fact more so because you married this man for WHO he is and obviously expected him to change into the person YOU really wanted. No wonder it isn't working out. You CHOSE to marry the wrong man and figured he would change to suit YOUR needs, what about YOU changing to suit HIS? You're not going to succeed in any long term committed relationship until you learn to either accept the other person as they are or not enter into such relationships expecting the other one to change becuase it isn't going to happen. Find someone who suits your needs from the beginning.
2007-07-28 15:57:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only 5 years? From what I've been hearing, the new feelings of butterflies in the tummy, breath catching moments, the novelty of being in love with someone, is fading for you.
That's a natural thing as you move into the real life and now, the work starts, it's not that you're losing anything, it should be moving into a deeper level of love.
You married him for who he is, not who he's supposed to be or can be, maybe you had an idea of what a marriage is supposed to be, not tv or movie, real life. He's not a drunk, he doesn't do drugs, he's not an abuser, not an adulterer, you're very lucky.
If I were you, I would go ahead and see your family, if you want to lose him.
2007-07-28 16:08:10 · answer #2 · answered by Yankee Micmac 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
texas, you are being unfair to your husband - just because you are an affectionate person doesn't mean that he is - he showed his love for you in his own way - and you have chosen not to appreciate it because it is not how YOU would show love...
You are actually mistaken when you assume that husbands automatically go out of their way to show how they feel. If he was not brought up in an affectionate family, he isn't going to be that way...you need to work on appreciating him for who HE is - not the guy from the movies and books you want him to be.
For your children, I suggest you try marriage counseling instead of leaving. The two of you need to find the common ground that most married people have to once the "newness" of marriage goes away and you settle in.
I would also re-consider your trip - now is not the right time. You can visit your family anytime. Your husband & children's stability should come first.
2007-07-28 15:58:44 · answer #3 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been divorced 2 times, I never regreted it. If it's not working then go on with your life. Being married or having a relationship is like a plate if it broke, it broke it doesn't matter if you put the pieces together, the crackes are thier. Divorce is a solution to a problem, and go on with your life. The kids will always love you both, even if he turns out to be a super $^&@. I know my kids love thier dad and he's a real ***.
2007-07-28 15:58:18 · answer #4 · answered by PRIVATE 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sorry you're having these issues...
women expect men they marry to be all romantic and "gushy" as you said... if they weren't very romantic before marriage, they aren't going to change...
perhaps you DO need more than you are receiving in this relationship? perhaps you have tried and it's just not working.
did you see the movie The Break Up? Your situation sort of reminded me of that movie... he wasn't romantic or involved with her much at all, and she just couldn't take it anymore.
I hope you will do what is best for YOU and that your life works out well. take care.
2007-07-28 15:57:37 · answer #5 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marriage counseling sounds like a great idea, but it also sounds like he is finished with the marriage. If he is already thinking like that no amount of counseling will change him. It will not, however, be a bad thing for you to seek counseling for yourself. Good luck.
2007-07-28 15:58:09 · answer #6 · answered by sweetnessmo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Was he "gushy" when you were dating him? If not, he has told you he won't change, believe him. Are you trying to see if absence will make your heart grow fonder? If so, you are expecting him to change. He told you he wouldn't.
Ok, not clear on him looking for new apartments. For him? For both of you? He's your husband, simply ask him what's up with that. It IS your business.
2007-07-28 16:00:13 · answer #7 · answered by Tonya R 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best advise I can provide is to seek marriage counseling before seperating.
2007-07-28 15:50:37 · answer #8 · answered by Gloria H 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree, marriage counseling would be a good idea.
2007-07-28 15:55:19 · answer #9 · answered by ctelly22 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋