Poem Untitled- Critique?

Question

I look at the world and all I see is a cesspool drowing Humanity. Sex and Violence are now the norm; our children caught in this deadly storm.Tossed and battered by the winds, paying dearly for their Father's sins. Brotherhood is fading fast; soon just a memory from the past.Violent visions on TV are the things our children see.Murder, mayhem, blood and gore, the Four horseman stand at the door! Across the land the Demons ride, evil armies by their side. The good and pure are soon downtrodden; the time has come, now Armageddon! Oh where, Oh where are Peace and LOVE and Faith in the MAN above? Love of Country, right or wrong, the things that made this Nation strong !T he end is near, it won't be long until the Earth sings it's sad swan song.

Answer 1

First of all, your poem should have a title...not giving your poem a title is like not giving your child a name...call it "Bob", or "poem number 1"...something, anything!

Secondly, there is a reason for line breaks and stanzas. First of all, they assist the rhymes and pauses. Along those same lines is something called "punctuation". You use it very well in some places, but not at all in others. In any event, your poem would benefit from line breaks alone. Perhaps they were there originally and you didn't get them in when you posted your poem...so enough about line breaks, just put them in.

Next is something called "cliche". I can't figure out how to get the accent above the "e" in cliche, but trust me, it's there, and it means "something that has been done so many times that it's lost its affect." "Green eyed jealousy" is a cliche, so is "cesspool of Humanity" (I assume you just had a typo and meant "drowning" and not "drowing"). In fact, your poem is almost a string of cliche's tied end to end. I understand where you were going with them, but you could have done it without them...I have faith in you. Don't feel bad, it is probably one of the first five mistakes you'll make when you start writing poetry...what are the others? Here they are:

1. rhyming in couplets (two lines back to back that are full end stopped rhyme)...as in "do you really like me now, if you don't then take a bow".

2. using archaic terminology such as "thee", "twas", "afar", "'er", etc.

3. Cliche terms: sands of time, battered by the winds, father's sins, swan song, raining tears, etc.

4. forced lines and words; making words fit the rhyme even when they don't really fit the sentence.

5. Prose. Many new poets think that writing a story and breaking it up into short lines makes it poetry...it doesn't.

You committed a few of these, but not all, and your poem wasn't all that bad, it was a good progression along the way to you becoming a better poet. You "need" to go through these tough lessons in order to get better, and you need to develop a thick skin if you're going to continue to post poems and ask for comment. The good news is that you "will" get better. Read more, write more, try different styles, forms, etc. Poetry is about expressing yourself in original ways, so don't be afraid to try new things...just be prepared for honest feedback. You could write down the list of ingredients to a can of dogfood and you'd get some people telling you it was brilliant...but you need to listen to the ones who tell you it's just dogfood and not shoot them when they give you what you say you wanted.

That being said, you are doing okay, just work on the line breaks first, get more comments, and go from there. Don't give up, and for goodness sakes...Keep writing!

Answer 2

Kill your television, spend more time outside and do volunteer work at a nursing home or daycare ...

The "poem" is to maudlin and full of cliche'

Answer 3

Is it any ask your self that Christ got here to earth so very humbly, took on a humble commerce, and lived with few luxuries? is this not God, "making it genuine" ? the 1st genuine fact sequence that shall stay on the a protracted time. marvelous write, Semp.

Answer 4

I love it, but it seems like too much of a run-on, and almost too much rhyming.