Please critique this poem before I publish?

Question

If there was any drug that I would take
The one I'd take would be as sweet as cake.
I can't tell you her name but you will find
That the drug I take is so very divine
She's lovely to see after a long hard day
And she's better than anything I can ever paid
As soon as you want some you'll always want more
And each time you take some you'll take a little more
You’ll start to get a feeling that you won’t ever forget
Your heart beats faster and you might even sweat
As the moment gets closer you start to feel
A tingling sensation that you know for sure is real
No matter how hard you try it can’t be controlled
And the best part is that it never gets old
You start addicted, and you can’t ever stop
And you get so much love you feel like you’ll pop
It turns into a problem and you can’t seem to solve it
Even if you did you probably wouldn’t resolve it
And even after saying this I know this much is true
Girl, you got me addicted, and it’s all Because of You

the drug I am refering to is a girl. NOT an illegal drug. damn people...

Answer 1

I know the feeling...they can be "very" addictive at times. The poem is "okay", but you could make it read much better if you'd find a different rhyme pattern than paired couplets.

You could try abab, and rearrage your lines, like...

If there was any drug that I would take
I can't tell you her name but you will find
The one I'd take would be as sweet as cake.
That the drug I take is so very divine

I didn't change a word (although I would definately do some editing here), yet you can hear how the "singsong" of the couplet has vanished and been replaced by something a little less predictable.

or abba, as in...

If there was any drug that I would take
That the drug I take is so very divine
I can't tell you her name but you will find
The one I'd take would be as sweet as cake.

again, no editing of any lines, just rearranging them. Can you hear the difference? These two arrangements have different tones, even though they have identical lines. This is what you need to experiment with, taking what you want to say and trying different patterns to see which one works better with your subject, your rhyme, your voice, and your meter. It will also make an older subject seem fresher and if done well, gives it a new perspective.

good luck and keep writing!

Answer 2

Aww. sweet poem. Whatever girl you give that to will like it.

Answer 3

good ideas, but don't quit your day job
need some basics training still.

also cadence... think cadence

read it out loud.

Answer 4

I get it. Its about a girl. Quite honestly, its boring.

Answer 5

Is the drug a Girl??

It was good and it rhymed! :) good for you

Answer 6

stoner !!!