How do I cope?

Question

How do I put this ,I have been going through a bad time lately and have always been independent .To my horror I discovered that every single one of my so called friends could not help me out .I always thought that they would have my back as I have been there for them every single time they needed me .I just broke down and cried not actually wanting to believe that all this while that i have been giving myself to them 110%They obviously just saw me as a ways to a means,Why do I do this ,I realized that i make myself so available to others thinking that this is the way it should be,because that is exactly what a good ,loyal friend does ,right?How do I stop giving too much of myself .and how do I protect myself from repeating the same stupid mistakes?And how do I say no and not make myself feel like I have to take responsibility for their problems.You dont understand ,When I care about someone I automatically feel the need to nurture the relationship ,usually to my detriment.

Answer 1

hi hon...

i see you care very much for your friends, and that is a nice characteristic of your personality...

however, there is ONE person in your life who needs to come first and that is YOU. Other people's problems belong to them, not you... you can't solve anyone's issues or change anyone but yourself.

Making yourself available to others constantly and giving until you are blue in the face isn't healthy, and it's a sign you're not taking care of yourself properly. And feeling left out in the cold because your friends can't come to your assistance after you've worn yourself out helping them, is a big let down.

The truth is, most of the time, people are busy living their lives, and taking care of their own stuff.

Friends are meant to "be there" for understanding and support when they can. Sometimes they just can't...it's not because they don't care.

We can't solve our friends' problems -- such as fixing things for them, giving them money, doing things for them they can do for themselves. A person who puts everyone else before themselves might be codependent. You could do a websearch to see what this means, exactly.

Hon, if someone asks you to do something and you don't feel like it, or can't, just say "no thankyou". You don't have to give a reason, or explanation. You have the right to say NO.

It's something I had to learn, and i say NO these days, because i'm tired of sticking my neck out -- even so, i have had the same, very nice friends for many years.

I DO UNDERSTAND. I used to give give give all of the time. I was worn out, felt trampled upon, like a doormat... because it seemed i got nothing in return. I had quite a low self-esteem and wasn't taking care of ME.

Perhaps it's time to take care of YOU first, and when your friends need you, if you have the time, and can do it... by all means be supportive... otherwise, i'm sure they will be just fine and figure things out for themselves.

take care. sending hugs.

Answer 2

Well, the very best thing to do is to just realize that you are right. They are wrong. Understand that YOU ARE a good person. DONT change yourself. Your very valuable. Never let uncaring people fade you.

Answer 3

ive been there u have to learn to say no its not easy but the more u do it...