Stay together on his terms or ask him to move out?

Question

Together 11 years and engaged to be married in January. He feels we argue too much and wants to see "if" we can get along and be happy or we're not getting married and I guess break up. I feel that we can work anything out if we love eachother and there's no reason to put our lives on hold. I don't want to walk on egg shells for 6 months just so he'll marry me. We've been seperated for a week now and I've tried to give him space. He makes no effort to contact me and I'm the one that always breaks down calling. Each time we end up talking we argue about this and I end up crying. I've been so heartbroken and have lost 5 pounds. Should I ask him to move out? This kills me but I don't know what else to do. I love him so much but can't be sincere about "trying" to work things about when I'm just afraid he'll leave me. Should I give it a try but tell me if we're not married by January it's over or should I ask him to take him things and really move out? - and will that wake him up?

Answer 1

Sounds to me like he's having his cake & eat it too. Why would you want to marry someone who always is calling the shots. I would re-think that one.

Answer 2

Sweet Pea I can see that you are hurt. Look at it this way, give him space. That's nothing wrong with that. At, this time while you guys are taking a breather get you together. Work on yourself because no one person is perfect. He might need sometime to evaluate the whole relationship, but you need to be open to anything that is right, to help you both in this realtionship. Find you a hobby, mingal with some friends and give it a couple of weeks with no communication. Then you can call if he hasn't and try to talk calmly about what you would like for the future of this relationship! Good Luck

Answer 3

I disagree with you on this "I feel that we can work anything out if we love eachother and there's no reason to put our lives on hold. "

Love is great but it takes more than love to make a marriage work. Honestly, it doesnt sound like the two of you are ready for marriage. you shouldnt pressure him into it at all. If hes having second thoughts, dont make him do it, thats just asking for trouble.

If you are ready to throw in the towel, go ahead but if you are so in love with this man why dont you give his idea a try. At least there is still a possibility. If you ask him to move out now without giving it time to settle down, I dont think yall will be getting back together.

Answer 4

I hate to just say "dump him" - I know you love him, and he's been a big part of your life.

BUt - marriage gets harder in a lot of ways, not easier, as time goes on. It's a cliche, but you have to work on it because the initial spark can get a little weaker and you face more problems, more responsibilities and more stress. Not to say marriage and a life together can't be wonderful - it can. But if you're starting out with problems, the future isn't looking too hopeful. He's not treating you right, it's almost emotional abuse and definitely blackmail.

Try to picture the rest of your life like this. The arguments, and him controlling you. How powerful will you feel if you're the one to say "I'm really sorry, this isn't working for me". Wow, now won't that shock him? He thinks he's got you eating out of his hand and then he'll see you've got a mind of your own.

You sound sweet, and you deserve better. Don't give him a commitment he doesn't deserve.

Answer 5

You said it "I don't want to walk on egg shells for 6 months just so he'll marry me".

One little arguement and the marriage is off. He'll have control over you for anything he wants for the rest of your life, even if you did put up with all his sh it for 6 months.

You must see a good reason for arguing with him, but he only wants things his way so there is no discussion and no way of working things out. This also means you will not grow closer in your relationship, married or not.

Don't waste the crying you have already done. You are mourning a relationship that's dying. Finish it off, your own way, and be strong. You are going to have to see him as he gathers his things, and he will try any little trick to win you back. Just hand him the rest of your box of tissues. You are finished with it!!!

Answer 6

It sounds to me like he is not 100% sure that you are the one that he wants to marry and commit the rest of his life to. The smart thing to do, is ask him to come and remove his things from your residence. Tell him that you have given him 11 years of your life and if he is not convinced that your marriage can make it, then there is no point in you two continuing to be together.

It is quite possible that he will come to his senses and realize that he does not/can not be without you. If he doesn't see that, then you don't need him and he doesn't deserve you!

I would hate to see you waste any more time on a realtionship with someone who isn't very committed to it to begin with. It sounds to me like he has no real intention of you two getting married in January.

You need to begin to put your life back together and stop putting him and his feelings first. You need some time to figure out what it is you want from life. He is not going to help you in this, as he knows that you will always break down and come running back to him or call him because he doesn't call you first. He has you right where he wants you......but is that where YOU want to be??

Answer 7

the problem is that you love him more than you love yourself. give yourself half of the love you have for him and you will wake up one day and realize that he is not the one for me, because first eleven years tooooooo long to be in a relationship and not be married. a man knows the first six months to a year whether he will marry you or not, this man has milked the cow long enough and now wants to try something new and different. let him go and have all the space he wants and needs. take that time to get to know yourself, treat yourself to the day spa, do a pedicure/manicure, arch your eyebrows, go shopping, do a movie. enjoy this time hangout with some girlfriends, family member, babysit a cousin, niece, nephew, take a class in belly dancing, computer class at the community college, volunteer at the local school after school program, teach sunday school at church. DO something other than sitting around crying about this man. let him go and you go on. its better now than to get married, have children and mess up their lives as well as your own. MOVE ON dont call him, call your best friend that am sure you have not talk to is years. find a part time job. do something to occupy your time and your mind. i wish you the best. GodBless

Answer 8

I have been in a smiliar situation and to be really honest with you, it just sorta sounds like HE may love you but isn't IN LOVE with you... and to be really honest with you, it's probably a better thing that this is going on NOW rather than when you get married... I know its really hard to remain strong right now because of all the years that you have with this man, but you really must dig deep inside you and know that this isn't your fault and there isnt anything YOU can SAY or DO that will make him change his mind! You really need to give him his space and let him venture off and figure himself out and in the mean time... A little alone time is good for you too..i know its easier said then done.. but you have to trust me when i say that there is a rainbow at the end of every storm!! BELIEVE in yourself

Answer 9

A marriage is about each person giving 110%. Its not about one person deciding how, when or where things will be done. You should be able to say what is on your mind without it sparking an argument and the same goes for him.

I think you should call this relationship over with and move on to someone who can respect you for who you are. I know you are scared and it will take alot of courage to move on, but this is what you need to do in order to find happiness and honey, you deserve to be happy!

Good luck and you can email me if this helps and you just want to talk.

Answer 10

Do you really think that this is the way "love" is suppose to be?
Could it be that your more "into" him, than he is with you? Are you the one who's being "walked over", a "door mat", does it seem you do "more than your share"? This time of separation should be used wisely, analyze every portion of your relationship with this individual.
It's obvious that you've been this way for a long time, it's time to break the cycle.
I broke the cycle, I couldn't stand living with myself! I inflicted unnecessary chaos in my life, I actually had no life! It hasn't been easy, but friends/family have been there by my side. Which is more than what I can say about the "ex". Gather up your self-worth, pride, and recognize your inner self. Take this time to gather your strength, start treating YOURSELF with LOVE! Pixie

Answer 11

Sorry to say this, but it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you at all. When a man wants to marry a woman, he'll do just about anything to be with her and to have her close to him.

It's been 11 years - oh my goodness! - and he STILL doesn't KNOW ??!? Come on- give me a break !!!

Sounds to me like he wants you to "get it" and to call it quits...He doesn't have the guts to be the "bad guy" who dumped you after so long, so he's acting this way so YOU will become fed up and dump HÏM.

I know it will be very painful for you, since you obviously care for him a lot, but you have to see things the way they are, honey. And this is his way of telling you he's not in love with you anymore and he wants to move on- without you.

Hope you can overcome this as unscathed as possible...Good luck!