Do you like my new poem?

Question

*****

Miss the mist

Maps cannot show where the road doesn’t go,
To places mistaken for paradise,
Oasis of spaces, lofty plateaus,
Of valueless vanity sacrifice,

Faces collide,
Fratricide follows,
And wallows in pride,
Having lied and gotten away with it,

I try to deny that I asked God why,
And wished every time, to hear a reply,
I’ve said all the words and read all the books,
Maps cannot show where the road doesn’t go.

*****

Yes...I always try yo outrun the audience...this is a form we worked on last week called the Dorsimbra.

I even worked in a little Bermese Climbing Rhyme in the second stanza. Father Al or Tom can probably tell you what it's about, if they see it.

Answer 1

This sounds like beautiful bones for a much longer piece--in my humble opinion.

It's almost sketchy, saying more than it can contain, winding up saying little, for want of the more.

The third stanza is complete, but still, the tag of using the first line doesn't seem to go with the rest of the stanza.

I love the rhythm; I love the idea and words of "Maps cannot show where the road doesn't go." But even in the rhythm, there's a contradiction between WHAT you're saying and the almost lilting, not forceful quality of this rhythm. I love even the rhyme, though I'm no fan of rhyme, as you know (lol). As a matter of fact, here the rhyme also betrays the content, as it's light, airy, "misty." And to me, the words are HEAVY!

Yes, T.D., I'm convinced that this wants to be a bigger piece with more flesh on its bones. Your use of words is so wonderful, that it tricks you, because (to me) it's almost too facile, as in "oasis of spaces." That sounds great, but what is it really saying that MEANS something to you? That isn't clear to me, actually, much of this (but for the first three lines of the last stanza) isn't clear, as to what it means to you. Are you passionate about fratricide and lies?

Okay, it's as if you've made a light poem of a heavy subject.
Again, facile, is the best I can say. Professional, technically fine, but lacking in the depth that "words" like sacrifice, vanity, fratricide, getting away with lies, seem to want.

I so love "the maps cannot show," that I need you to get INVOLVED with what you can't see where the maps won't take you, not just casually state some wonderfully poetically talented thoughts.

My feelings are a shame, because when I read it out loud, I hear the absolute brilliance of the TECHNIQUE, the inner rhyme, the consonance and assonance, the lilting, almost flip, quality, so easy to say and to hear, but for some reason, form and content aren't meeting.

Am I missing something big? I'm no expert. I can only put it in this non-technical way: Were the last line suddenly, "Some apples," I'd get what I'm hearing elsewhere. Does that explain what I mean?

(Don't be mad at me!)
;-)

Answer 2

TD,
I enjoyed this very much; I do agree with Desiderata that this might be a want of a larger piece, however, I think that there's an ethereal quality present. It's seems that your in a head space: may I suggest tring some of this in a pantoum or villanelle? You have many wonderfl lines here that would benefit from the study that those forms would give you.

Thanks as always for sharing...your work is an inspiration and a challenge.

Answer 3

That sounds very similar to the song they teach little lizards on my home planet…

Gyros cannot show where the interstellar route doesn’t go,
To quantum dimmensions mistaken for Phlab Quarry 7,
The desert of spaces and hyper-plateaus,
Of valueless lightless distance and age sacrifice,

Particles asteroids collide,
Vaccuophile closely follows,
And wallows in space dust,
Having misled and gotten away with it,

I try to deny that I asked compass why,
And wished every time, for the mainframe reply,
I’ve pushed all the buttons and pulled all the levers,
Gyros bought from pawnshops cannot show where time-space bends

Answer 4

Your poem has great rhythm. It sounds good to the ear when read aloud, especially "To places mistaken for paradise,
Oasis of spaces" and "Fratricide follows,
And wallows in pride,"
In the last two lines it sounds like you're searching for meaning. You don't want to just fit in.

Answer 5

This poem looks like the face of a shark
I know this isn't the answer you were looking for but if I didn't tell you you could have gone through the rest of your life not knowing. Now , Hey! you're Shark face poet TD Euwaite

Answer 6

Beautiful Dorsimbra man. Not as good as your first (but that one might be the best poem you've written so no crime there).

Interesting and cool. This form is one I see you using a lot going forward (I've already done two also so you're not alone).

Answer 7

who cares if you are or aren't an atheist, your poem was good. then again there always good! I like the first line it is simple yet very complex. like when you think about it, it applies to other parts of life to. when i first read it I thought about maps and religion at the same time.

Keep up the good work! :)

Answer 8

That was nice, but I got a bit lost. Did you write it with that in mind?

You have a better sense of rhythm than I usually see, but it's not the best poem I've ever read. Keep writing! :-)

Answer 9

Ok...I don't get the title but I think I understand the rest of it and that's the "mystery" that I enjoy about this poem. And "maps cannot show where the road doesn't go". I'm assuming this means you are an atheist?? Am I way off here? Please answer.

Answer 10

Who is this, 'Adam' in diguise? Paradise lost? Or maybe 'Moses' is lost, wondering where to go next?
Perhaps a little too much time spent at sea...
...and it sounds like ultrastooge is a bit envious, no?
Maybe HE'D like to go there and see for himself...