Poem: This Dark Night (comments welcome. please let me know what you think)?

Question

I will eventually step back into free verse--but not yet. Let me know what you think:

This Dark Night

At a time when the light was far too bright,
With a clash and clamor—a clanging din,
You flip off the switch succumbing to night,
As insects crawl in, out, over your skin.
You choke, gag, swallow—finally invite
A twitching, a twinge, a tremor within.
As blue devils scuttle in endless flight,
Though closing your ears, the voices begin.
Failure and shame they are set to recite,
Litany of wrong, a message of sin.
You run around aimless, lost in your plight
Adrift and misplaced, undone from chagrin.

The chills commence, the shaking’s begun,
Pleading, praying for the next morning sun.

Answer 1

Very deep.....

Great poem!!

10

Answer 2

This is a good one, Todd. Here's some recommendations:

There are a few minor errors...however, there is a lot of good stuff in here and minor editing would easily improve it. However, errors in logic are more difficult to reconcile. For example, if the light is too bright, why would there be a "clash and clamour-a clanging din"? I love the line, but why would it occur "in the light"? You could turn this around, and correct most of the other little quirks, especially since your poem's title is This "dark" Night, by trying something like this:

At that time of the evening when lights are too bright
With a clash and clamor-a clanging din,
You reach vainly for the switch to push back the night
As insects crawl in, out, over your skin
You choke, gag, swallow (not quite an invite)
With a twitch, a twinge and a tremor within.
As Blue Devils scuttle off in their endless flight
You close your ears, but the voices begin
Failure and shame they love to recite
With a litany of wrongs and a long list of sin
You run around blinded, quite lost in your plight
Adrift and misplaced, undone by chagrin

The chills have commenced, the shaking's begun
As you plead and you pray for the next morning's sun

As you can see most of the lines are pretty much intact, but the beginning shows the biggest suggested change. Again, these are suggestions and you probably already see where you can rewrite it in your own direction keeping these thoughts in mind.

Again, some good images and other than the logic error at the beginning, a nice creepy little piece of work :)

nice job

Answer 3

Brilliantly dark Todd, loved the topic and meter also...

This Dark Night

At a time when the light was far too bright,
With a clash and clamor—a clanging din,
You flip off the switch succumbing to night,
As insects crawl in, out, over your skin.
You choke, gag, swallow—finally invite
A twitching, a twinge, a tremor within.
As blue devils scuttle in endless flight,
Though closing your ears, the voices begin.
Failure and shame they are set to recite,
Litany of wrong, a message of sin.
You run around aimless, lost in your plight

"Adrift and misplaced, undone from chagrin."

The chills commence, the shaking’s begun,
Pleading, praying for the next morning sun.


{try the third to the last line without "and" I know it takes a syllable away but, it sounds much smoother I think}

Truly Todd tho, this RoCkEd! You're quite the lit'l dark one aren't you?

Loved it *^_^*

(and you really don't have to change a thing just because I said so lol, I really hate to critique *^_^*)


NEW(next morning): After a re-read, that line does work Todd, lol, never mind me, lots going on now, would love to see more from the dark from you *^_^*

Gotta go, c u after work (sigh)

All the Best, Shad @)~>~

Answer 4

I am afraid to say what I think this poem talks about.
It speaks to me about an addict.
Margot

Added 7/29 at 4:36 p.m.
Todd, I never did "critique" the poem. What is striking to me is the absence of involvement. I am not saying this is a bad thing. It just stuck me that you've managed to observe this person without ever once, that I can tell, interjecting any of your own feeling into the telling of his/her dilemma.

Then, what strikes me, is how well you seem to "know" the dilemma. Even if we hypothesize that you have "seen" what this person had gone through (perhaps too often seen), somehow, from your distance, you ARE there.

The combination of the distance from which you observe with the "thereness" of your reporting is pretty interesting to me.

There is are a few word that didn't fit for me, and one is them is "invite." Also, I might have to go diving for my dictionary to see again exactly what "scuttle" means. I'm not sure that is the right word, either.

There's more but the chicken is on the grill.

Peace.
Margot

ADDED: ok, you can see I edited my response and there are some typos in there. I think you can wade your way through them. :)

Answer 5

Todd,

As one who struggles with rhymed verse you are a bit of inspiration. What works the best here, besides vividly working to express one idea is the clean ines: we're reading a sonnet, however, the rhymes aren't forced, the line lengths are right, and you've used punctuation to accentuate your verse. A real pleasure!

EDIT: The voice of the poem isn't dictatorial, rather, it's the voice of the "colder eye" (I imagine Alan Rickman's angel from "Dogma"): observing the moment of confluence that evokes a scene, as a person in flux (whoever they are, however they got there doesn't matter) makes a life altering decision. We have light in the first line as perhaps the light of truth, casting out the Darkness, however, the character in the poem PREFERS the hadows of half-truths and self-delusion (am I stretching). It's not enough though, the character is too well aware of his/her failure with the "voices" of his own guilt/shame/self-loathing. The voices may have started from without, but they are now within, and the character owns them: is unwilling to confront them, submits to his/her damage becomes undone.

If I'm reading this even halfway right, you're own feeling is irrelevant. You are the writer; the power and emotion are in the effect of the poem, not in the ab/use of words like "power" and "emotion"

Answer 6

You are great! I don't think you have to go back to free verse, because you truly rhyme so well. Yet, your rhyme isn't forced and silly like some poets.

Another negative one, Todd! : ( JK! I love your dark side; it is your best. If you force a positive one, then it wouldn't be you and then we would all hate it! Well, actually we would probably looooove it!!!! You usually conquer all of your challenges.

I agree with Margot; it seems like you are discussing a person with an addiction. Or someone with insomnia. It actually reminds me a little of Stephen King's book Insomnia. Creepy but very good!!!

Answer 7

Incredible talent, incredible. and you have a way with words that so draws a person in and just says what that person is feeling that is in the pits of despair from sin. Invited it in to the point that they now know they cant get rid of it, and they are pleading in their misery for help, but have no idea how to get it. But, this person does pray. So its not only a wonderful piece of writing, but it is completly Biblical. When a person stays in sin long enough, it becomes them and they wont hear God anymore.
You need to always be writing. God has given you incredible talent. Aclways acknowledge HIm for it and you will go a long ways. Sir, this is your ministry.

Answer 8

I like the flow and rhythm and the wording but I don't understand the "voice". At first I thought the voice was from a willing vampire. Then I thought it was from someone who has nightmares. Then from someone who has schizophrenia. But why would you agree to" flipping off the switch" if you knew what was coming? Please tell me who is the voice.

Answer 9

This is very cool. Half-way out of the classics.

My first time through, I expected "You run around aimless, lost in plain sight." But plight is good.

Answer 10

This poem is so great, Todd. I really like it.
If you read it, it makes you get chills and like dark poems.
I myself write some poem sometimes, but you're a great poet, so keep it up.

Answer 11

I like it very much Todd. Sounds like a dark sonnet, if Shakespeare was alive now, he would've steal it.

Nice job, like it a lot.

Marilyn