This is my 1st time datting a "dad" and want to know the good,bad and ugly.Here are the details.Hes been divorced 5 yrs with joint custody of 2 young(7 and 8) children.His children live with him 50% of the time and 50% with their mom.He loves his kids to death and would do anything for them.His exwife is very involved,jeasous,possisive of her kids and has made it clear there is no room in their(the kids) lives for anouther "female figure".If i make this work can anyone tell me what i'm in for? Please no scorned single moms with deadbeat dads who want to vent about thier ex's gf's/wife.I just want honest advice.
2007-07-28 08:31:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My advice is to think long and hard before you get serious with him. I'm a bonus (we prefer that over step) mom and my bonus kids' mom is very difficult to deal with. She did everything she could to turn the oldest girl against me (our youngest girl is multiply disabled...I'm sure she said the same stuff to her but there was never any outward displays of it) and it worked for a very long time. The ex told "Lee" that I didn't love her and that "lee" couldn't love me and still love her mom. Hateful, manipulative stuff. I knew that the ex wasn't crazy about mu hubby marrying me but I figured it would get better over time...but it didn't. It's been nine years and it's no better. Actually, us getting custody only made it worse. The good thing is that once the kids were living here full time "Lee" started realizing that I wasn't the monster that her mom made me out to be. Her mom told her that she had to choose between me and her...so Lee did. She chose me and hasn't spoken to or seen her mother in 2 years (She's 16 now. We encouraged her to suggest to her mother that they go to counseling but her mother refused). When there's an ex involved it's almost like there is another person in your relationship. The kids are great and I wouldn't trade mine for the world....but some mothers will never get used to the idea of another woman being in their child's life. I always thought my hubby's ex's feelings were a little unwarranted...I mean SHE cheated on HIM...SHE left HIM and now she's going to go psycho on me because he chose to remarry. I mean if she didn't want her children to have a step mom then she shouldn't have cheated on and left their father.
2007-07-29 01:57:48 · answer #1 · answered by aly_des 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, it depends on what you call "sacrifices".... if for you it is a sacrifice to spend less time with him because he spends a lot of time with his kids, yes, there will be such. If it's a sacrifice to deal with kids which at times will be rude to you (most likely, due to what you said about their mother) or will not want to share the time they spend with their dad with you, yes I think that's going to happen too. Whenever something unexpected comes up which is related to the kids, they will be the first priority. And yes, you will have to deal with the fact that your partner still has a sort of relationship with the ex, even if it's only b/c of the kids (this is something I find terribly difficult to overcome).
I don't think the mother is jealous but her pride might be hurt, and of course no woman likes to know that their ex is with another woman.... even if they don't love them anymore, believe me. They just don't like this idea of having been "dumped" (if such was the case) and "replaced", especially if she isn't dating anyone, so if she's still bitter about this she will try to avoid her kids from having any positive feelings towards you or any other woman their dad dates. You have to be aware of this.... I date a dad and that's the way it is, unfortunately. Good thing is that I haven't had to deal with the kids so far, but I know that the day will come and it will be hard for them and for me. But let's hope for the best and, as long as your partner always respects you and grants you the place you have in his life, you should be ok! Good luck....
2007-07-28 08:54:01 · answer #2 · answered by Lprod 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say if you get married that she's going to be a witch about things. She just probably doesn't like the idea of another woman possibly "taking care" of her children, playing w/them and also she's probably afraid the kids may love you more than her. She has insecurities that she needs to get over. It's normal tho and some families w/step parents the bio parents all get along and no probs.
I'm a mother and my daughter does not see her bio dad but we have been around him and I met his new wife and I wouldn't want her to discipline my child or be all lovey dovey..but I also don't know her. I'm sure if I got to know her better then things would ease down. It's just a mother thing and jealousy and all that. Have you got to sit down and chat with her? If things do get serious w/you and the dad then maybe have a cook out or something and invite her and her boyfriend/hubby over and have some girl chats and maybe she can feel more comfy w/you.
2007-07-28 08:52:39 · answer #3 · answered by shortysml 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not a step mom or dad and not a scourned single mom.
Seems that him and his ex wife have a pretty good routine going. Maybe the ex feels you may mess that routine up. Also she is not possessive or jealous, those are her children, of course she is going to wonder what type of women her husband may consider bringing around his children.
Have you made an attempt to be nice to this woman? And the children? Are you a serious girlfriend of this mans or an off again on again type?
If its a serious relationship then let him know, so he can also inform her, that you plan to be in the picture permanently (or as long as he lets you), so there is no need to fear you hurting the children when you up and leave their lives. Also let him and the children know that you are not going to try to replace their mother.
As long as you watch and know your boundries then your relationship can work. If you begin to cross them with her or the children he may end the relatioship because he is going to choose the childrens well being before yours.
Good luck!
2007-07-28 08:37:32 · answer #4 · answered by Lizzie A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be there for him, be there for the kids and things will work out in time. The kids will make the decision on their own as they grow older. She is trying to make the decision for the kids based on her feelings and not theirs.
Remember, I say any one can be a dad, but it takes some special to be a father, the same shoe goes the other way for women. Any one can be a mom, but it takes someone special to be a mother.
2007-07-28 11:25:35 · answer #5 · answered by PCSTech 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a step-mother to 2 young girls that i love dearly. Their mother attempted to be this way when their father and I started dating. This is my advice: let him handle everything with the ex wife...don't even attempt to discuss the children with her as she won't want to hear you anyway. Show the children that you are interested in them. Although she may plant mean things in their heads about them, you can change that with your actions. Leave all forms of discipline up to the father, at least until you are married. Once you get married and have his blessing you can act as a motherly figure to them. If you are in a long term relationship or marriage with him eventually she will accept you as part of their lives and back off a little. Just never try to step in and replace her, believe me that makes matters worse.
It can work...just don't wear your feelings on your sleeve when it comes to them. If he loves you, he will teach them to respect you the same as they do their biological mother.
2007-07-28 10:20:24 · answer #6 · answered by Tina 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I'm no woman but I feel the need to ad my 2 cents here. This woman is blackmailing the ex into not having another woman. I would wonder if she has another man. For some reason she doesn't want your guy to get involved and if I were you, I would like to know why.
2007-07-28 08:37:13 · answer #7 · answered by pappysgotitgoinon 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was in the same situation, when I met my husband his kids were 2-4. They are now 22-21-it was pure hell for me, it eventually broke our marriage. His kids had no respect for me growing up cuz I wasnt their real mom. I'm just telling u it is hard to go into a pre made family-it was for me anyways-good luck
2007-07-28 09:51:35 · answer #8 · answered by Kitty A 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what you say, let's just say that you will have a long hard
road ahead of you. And your love alone is not the full answer to resolution. Nor do you alone, "make this work".
I wish you the very best.
2007-07-28 08:50:49 · answer #9 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the kids mother is as you say she will use the kids. It'll be hard to get next to them. Don't make the rules . Let him and her do that.; you can suggest to him. It's a hard row to hoe. If your not really committed to it don't start.
2007-07-28 08:43:46 · answer #10 · answered by reinformer 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋