Do you like this poem?

Question

I'm looking up at the stained sky
so my tears don't well up and fall.
Why can't people live
as they wish
I don't want a weak heart that can't cry
or the strength not to cry.
I'll search for a shooting
star to cast my wishes on, but
dawn is coming too soon
and I won't be able to find one.

There's never a day that I have
to remember you because
I never for a moment forgot you.

Whenever I'm sad I have
a habit of saying I'm ok.
After something stopped
that day, no matter
how much I pray,
I can't see a single star.

I want to see you, I want to see you.
Your smiling face in my memory is
just too kind.

I want to see you, I want to see you.
Your smiling face in my memory is
just too kind.

It translation of other language.

Does it have any mistak of English?

I don't want a weak heart that can't cry

Is what I wanted to say. I'm not native English speaker. I wanted to mean that people try to be strong and try not to cry and I don't want a weak heart that can't cry.

Answer 1

There might be some errors in translation...it might explain a few odd words. "I don't want a weak heart that can't cry"...I think that lost something in translation. Maybe you meant that you don't want to have a weak heart that "needs or wants" to cry, but can't cry! If so, you need to add just a little more detail.

You need to watch out for your line breaks; ending a line with "shooting" is not too wise these days. You could also say "dawn is coming soon"...instead of "too soon". The stanza that says "there's never a day that I have to remember you because I never for a moment forgot you" needs to be trimmed. Maybe, "How can there be a day when I remember you when I have never for a moment forgotten you?"

The line "after something stopped that day, no matter how much I pray, I can't see a single star"...that one "really" lost something in the translation. Maybe, "after the day is said and done, no matter how much I pray, I still can't see a star."

Lastly, don't repeat the last stanza...once is enough.

very loving poem

Answer 2

Read many current poets. Start with journals you can easily buy at bookstore or go on line as many website journals let you read sample poems or evne the enitre issue. You can get name of poetry magazines at duotrope.com. If the magazine or company wants you to put up money or buy the anthology then it is a gimmick because they accept everybody. Read the pulitzer prize winners, take a poetry class at the local college. Share yur poem with people who are not your "friends" or your "family" or someone who is going to say it is great. Ask them why it is great and what they liked bes & least about it. Look for honest answers.

Then write something you know about that you can show in a single scene or moment instead of telling the reader what to think and feel. Stay away from vague abstract language like beautiful and good and bad. They are vague because people are individuals and what is good to one person is not good to another. Use the five senses, describe more, stay away from weak passive verbs like 'to be' and the '-ing' verbs. Use allusions and metaphors and similes and lots of action verbs. Avoid cliche similes & metaphors that have been heard before like walking on eggshells, hit the nail on the head, sweet as cake. Use alliteration to emphasize certain words. I hope this helps. Get on sites where you can post your poems and get 'honest' feedback like splahhall & critical poet & poetry circle.

Answer 3

I just want to get my arms around this:

I'm looking up at the stained sky
so my tears don't well up and fall.

How did the sky get stained?

"I don't want a weak heart that can't cry"

What does that mean?

"no matter
how much I pray,
I can't see a single star."

And why is that?

I could go on to challenge your expressions.

There are some really beautiful lines here. Are you going to throw them away in this lazy poem or make them speak?

Margot

Answer 4

James,
This poem is obviously in memory of someone dear to you,
I sensed this when I read lines like not a day goes by I don't
think of you, you look up so there is no tears. James there is nothing to be ashamed of in crying. Lines like when I see your smiling face, I pray are just what I sensed when I read this poem.

Answer 5

I like it! its really good. It reminds me of my dad who died.

I'm looking up at the stained sky
so my tears don't well up and fall.

I really like that. i do that all the time.


There's never a day that I have
to remember you because
I never for a moment forgot you.


And i really like that!

Answer 6

that was beautiful.
it reminds of my dad.
it doesnt have to rhyme cause its
good the way it is.
it seems like it came straight from ur heart.

Answer 7

Good work! I think it came straight from your heart!

Gerogia Fayne.

Answer 8

I loved it. Was this poem inspired by some dear to your hurt?

Answer 9

Yes I do.

Answer 10

love it. next time, make it rhyme