Am I wrong to want a little help with the kids?

Question

I'm a lucky stay at home mom with three kids 6yrs and younger. The problem is, I often feel overwhelmed with house work,laundry,cooking and tending to my childrens needs. I often fall short. I've talk to him about how I feel and he prettty much refusses to help me with anything pertaining to the home or children saying that it's my job, not his and makes comments about me trying to take advantage of him telling me I'm a "modern day woman" or feminist.
He works hard outside the home and I'm gratful to him for this...
Is there a reasonble amount that he could pitch in when I fall short..I was thinking dinner dishes sometimes, helping me out at bed time(nightmare!! with three). I would appreciate if he would clean up after himself too. I often feel like a house maid.
Maybe I'm looking for some sympothy...and maybe I'm wrong for this.
I want some honest oppinions on what I should or shoulden't be expecting and whether or not I should get over myself.

I wasn't clear..I'm talking about my husband here.

MR R- I never once said I wanted to split chores 50/50 or close to that. He comes home and heads striaght for the computer all night or goes golfing..same for the weekends..lay off

MR R- he gets up in the morning and goes to work!!?? So do I ,plus have been up all night with sick babies while he sleeps like a baby.
And did you overlook my being grateful parts of the question.?

Answer 1

You're not wrong for wanting help and lots of stay a home moms can't get everything they need done over the course of the day. If he refuses to help at all then I think you need to look at your schedule and see what has to be done and what you might cut back on till he's home and willingly to play with the kids or something while you take care of it. Your feelings are justified but there might not be anyway to make him help out. Going on strike will end up making more work for you eventually. Heck you might be able to make some of the clean up a game for the kids.

Answer 2

It can be very overwhelming when you have young children. I agree that he should be picking up after himself and helping with the kids a little. If he's not helping put the kids to bed, he's really missing out on a fun time with them. Sit down with him and have a serious talk about all of this. Find out where he's coming from. You can usually look at his own home life to find out what he thinks is typical. I don't think you'll change his way of thinking overnight. Think about what talks with men. Money. Let him know that if he doesn't help out a little more, you'll be hiring a teen "mothers helper" a few times a week. I did this while I was working at home and it really helped me get more done. This person can watch the kids while you get some of YOUR work done. Get organized and I promise you can get through the day. If you have to let something go, let it go. Nobody is expecting perfection. See staying at home as your job and schedule your own "days off". Take an evening like he does. You deserve it. If all else fails, a long weekend away with girlfriends works wonders on a husband that doesn't appreciate how hard you work. The first time I did that, my husband was begging me to never do it again. He totally got it. (I still go away just to make sure he doesn't forget....and to get a little peace)You just have to show him somehow that you need a hand now and then. If you have to let something go, try the laundry. Nothing talks to a man like a lack of clean underwear ;)

Answer 3

It's not wrong to ask him for help with the kids. Raising kids is a job for both parents. Even when most moms were stay at home moms, dad spent time with, and helped out with raising the kids when he was home.

Remind your husband that stay at home moms of the past did not do everything themselves because the job was too big. They always had the help of their mother or mother-in-law. Speaking of which, if either grandparents are nearby, use them as much as possible. Let them spend the day with the kids once a week.

Instead of asking him to help out, ask him to play a game with the kids. While he is busy playing with them, you could catch up on other things. Ask him to read a story to the kids and call it quality time. Remind him that they need a father as well as a mother. Just don't call it helping out.

Hire a teenage Mother's Helper. I suggest a teenager because they are cheap and the teenager will not be alone with your kids, but will be helping you by doing some cleaning and playing with the kids.

Since bedtime is such a problem, why not ask another question where you describe the bedtime problems and see if anyone has some good advice for dealing with those problems. Also, watch Supernanny, it's a tv show that deals with issues like the ones you are having. You might get some good ideas from Joe.

Answer 4

You sound like one of the women of today that try to live up to an unattainable standard. You want to be the Donna Reed of the century. That was just a TV show and not real.
Do the best you can at the wonderful job you do. Your priority is your family and if you can't get EVERYTHING done in the 24 hour period of a day .. then don't be so hard on yourself.
IF the dishes don't get done or the laundry is falling short.. don't beat yourself up about it. While the kids are young it's always tough but it will get better in time and you and your husband will reap the rewards when the children are older.
Sounds like your family life is pretty normal. Your husband works very hard and so do you. Appreciate the sacrifices he makes and he'll appreciate the sacrifices he sees you making as well. Don't EXPECT him to pitch in and vocalize your gratitude when he Does.
Enjoy this hectic time in your lives because one day you're going to look back and not think about how much work it was.. you'll just remember how rewarding it was.
Anything worth the effort is worth doing.

Answer 5

Wow, I'm only the 3rd male to answer this. Should you give you a little help with the kids. Absolutely. No equivication, no buts, equalifications or anything remote suggestion of a way out for him.

First and foremost, you are a family. The roles do not have to be strictly defined as "his" or "her" jobs." Repeat, you are a family. Let's face it, doing laundry isn't at all hard. The most 'difficult' task is ironing and folding. You can do that watching TV. I'm not a fan of doing dishes, but my step-dad, and he's in his 90's, has always done the dishes. Picking up? Give me a break. Vaccuming, another toughy. But totaled up, and I left out a LOT, isn't fair and isn't right. Your role as mom doesn't allow you to punch out, come home and do nothing. He needs to get up off his lazy ***. Now I even have a solution!

With 3 little ones you are on the go all day long. That's a given. Come up with a chore list. first, and be objective about this, list out what you do all day long. Then list out what doesn't get done during the day. Then sit down with him, let him see what you during the day and the chores remaining to be done at the end of the day. Let him pick and choose (if that's ok with you).

Eg. Monday he does dishes, Tuesday he vaccums, Wednesday he cleans the bathrooms, Thursday he cooks, Friday is his laundry day (wash, dry, fold, iron), Saturday is general household maintenance or do nothing except family stuff, Sunday go to church - younger go to the nursery + Sunday School, you both relax, go to coffee hour, maybe meet some older folks that takes to you & the kids & might want to be surrogate grandparents + your kids pick up a value system (I'm not suggesting you go simply so you can find someone to use!). And it's a family event.

Also, at least once a month you should each have a boys night out, a girls night out, and/or your night out together. And don't forget the wild-monkey sex. It can really make up for a lot & opens up a huge line of communication that far exceeds the deed(s) themselves.

Whew! Not if only I'd practice what I'm preaching . . .

Answer 6

Ok I am a 25 year old mom of 3 and going to college and your man should be there to help you not just work outside the home trust me I would much rather work than be at home goin crazy with 3 kids my kids ages are 1 1/2 ,3 and 8 and OMG they are sooo hiper and bursting with energy I have a really hard time dealing sometimes especially since it is summer and school is out for me till end of sept!! But anyways my man understands he gives me a break and I give him a break about once a week. You should wait till he gets home and just leave him with the kids and dont say anything you dont have to they are HIS kids too not just yours and maybe he will get a taste of what you go through and help out a little more and tell him yes I am a modern day women since it is modern day and you are a women why live in the past women can do just as much as a man if not more !! I do all the man stuff around my house (my dad had 4 girls so he had to teach us boy stuff too) And him saying it is your job to stay home with the kids OMG if my fiance said that I would punch him in the face !!!! Yes you are a mom but it does not define you, you are much more than that you can do anything you want .You should look into college or a hobby maybe a class or something just time away for yourself!! College is hard with three kids but it is doable and I actually pull off pretty good grades by some miracle! But you should seriously not take no for an answer and just leave for the day so he can get a taste of your life and how fun it is!!

Answer 7

Marriage is a fifty/fifty commitment. I have 24 years of experience to qualify my answer. It's 2007, not 1807, the men now need to help the wives with the chores, many men use the workplace as an excuse or haven to get away from helping around the house. Is he also about 30 pounds overweight, America's moms are raising these "momma's boys" that lay on th couch watching tv after a hard day of playing solitaire on the computer at work, all the while getting fatter and gaining bad attitudes. Tell hubby to get the heck off his bottom and help you with the kids,and the housework, or he can think about the possibility of someday paying you a hefty child support and alimony.,,,while he's out looking for someone to be his new mother.

Answer 8

I have been exactly where you are. No, it's not too much to ask that he for one, pick up after himself. He's a grown man. He should not be taking advantage of you simply because "your job" is to take care of the house. He may work hard outside the home, and yes, you appreciate it. But, where's HIS appreciation? He doesn't realize just how hard being a stay-at-home mother is. I bet anything he couldn't last a day doing it. He is only being inconsiderate, and fails to accept his responsibility as a husband. It's not about whether it's his job or your job...It's about helping each other, working TOGETHER to make a happy environment. Each mate should strive to keep one another happy, not blowing off the other's needs.

I do not think you are asking too much. Give yourself a break sometime, you know? Take some time away from the kids if you can to get pampered. You need to rejuvenate yourself.

Answer 9

It won't do you much/any good to show him a bunch of Yahoo Answers that mostly pretty much say that you are right and he is wrong. It will probably only make him defensive.

I think that you need to get some time to develop the person that you are (or want to be). Some "Me Time." Every mother I've ever known wanted that more than just about anything else.

I second the suggestion that you see about hiring a young teen to watch your kids for a bit of time each week. maybe for a while during the day so you can go work out or shop or see a movie with some girl friends, and maybe once a week in the evening so you and your husband can get some time together.

This kind of stress can really lead to some challenges in the long term and you want to try to fix things now when you still know that you love him and want to be with him. If you allow anger or unhappiness to fester it can erode your marriage.

Answer 10

You ask a tough question. I don't know do you two have a agreement before the Kids where born? Does he work around the house,maintaining it? Was raised to think wives are maids? For you are the wife not a maid. So you should be treated with respect as one.Remember love always wants whats best for the other person. Is very tried from his work day? Maybe he could help out on his day off? Get him involved with the kids.or does he just comes home and sits in a chair all night. Show love you get love. Show understanding you get understanding ,sometimes takes awhile.
He sounds like he is not connected to the family. Try finding a church. so you both will learn about love and sacrifice for each other.These are hard things to learn in so little space here.
But most of all show him he is loved. Ask him why he thinks the household is not apart of his thinking/ responsibility. Is not a man? A man cares for and love his kids , wife and he shows that by being involved in their lives.

Answer 11

You're not wrong at all . I would suggest therapy. If that doesn't work then go out and find a job outside the home and get daycare. Your well being is important for the kids. Being frustrated, overwhelmed, and unhappy will not help your children. Just being a stay at home mom is not the answer. You need a life with a supportive husband to make the stay at home mom thing work.