I want a child desperately, my husband doesn't seem to b/c he already has a son from his first marriage.....

Question

First of all my husband is 38 and I am 24. The age issue has never come up until now. We have been married for 3 1/2 years now and of course we discussed this before marriage. I made it very clear that I wanted to have a child and he agreed. Along the way however, we have suffered from fertility problems and have not been successful in getting pregnant. Now whenever we talk about it, he says that he is too old to have another child anyway (he has a 10 yr old from his 1st wife). I am lost with what to do.....do I give up my dream of becoming a mother or do I leave my husband. We have the most wonderful relationship together (minus the child issue). I don't know that I would ever find another man like him, but I don't know if I can sacrifice my future either....advice needed!

By the way tnsupermom....if you had read the question details you would know that I did discuss it before hand. Thanks for all your answers, I've got a lot of soul searching to do...

Answer 1

I'm not 24 so maybe I'm looking at this from a different angle. If everything else about your relationship is wonderful then why leave it just because there are no children in the relationship? Yes you could have a child with someone else but you wouldn't have the same feelings and connection you have with your husband. I would talk to him as the others have said and work out a time line for when you might say enough on trying to get pregnant and maybe look into adoption. I don't think you would be sacrificing your future as you wanted to make your future with him but there are ways around you having biological children and still remaining in your marriage.

Answer 2

Dear sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear about your very real pain. At tender age of 24 you seem to be so impressively together, where you know who you are and what you want. Bravo!
Now, to love someone means to put their needs in front of your own. How does your man do that? By denying your dreams? What kind of a right does anyone have to take away your God given need for being a mother? It has nothing to do with his previous marriage: he had already experienced the wonders of parenthood. Why rob you of it? It is selfish and cruel of him. Please, take a hard look at your marriage: is it really how you want to be treated for the rest of your life ( sacrificing your dreams and hopes for your husbands selfishness )? Then make a decision about your future and let him know about it. You deserve better. I'm keeping you in my prayers sweetheart. Best wishes.
P.S. For all the 'tender hearted' supporters of 'poor husband': There are a lot of alternatives for problems with man's sperm these days. To deal with them takes an open mind and desire to see your wife's dreams come true.

Answer 3

I am finding some of the above responses to be absurd. Tell him how much in means to you etc. How about trying to understand his position. People do change their minds. Suppose it had been the lady that changed her mind and did not want children, but his deepest ambition was to be a father. Would the same apply? I doubt it very much.

I have a sister that would have been a wonderful mother, but her husband would never commit to having a child. She did not divorce him, and she did not get pregnant anyway. She did accept that it was his decision and she is the most wonderful auntie that a child could have. She made the best of the situation, which is the best that anyone can do.

Answer 4

It sounds like his issues with a child a stemming of insecure feelings of not being able to produce one! You obviously can't trick him into you getting pregnant because even if it does work he might resent the child and cause even more turmoil. Have you considered adoption? This way he could almost guarantee to get a child and you can skip at least the first 2 years that stress you out!!

Answer 5

I know someone who was in your exact predicament. She decided that he was more important than having kids. 10 years later they divorced and she always regretted she never had children. If having children is important to you now, it will always be important and don't put it aside for anyone. I think you will regret it late. They also had a so called wonderful relationship at one time. If it was so wonderful, then you wouldn't have the "child issue".

Answer 6

I would tell him just like you said above.. you love him with all your heart and want to be with him, but having children is of utmost importance to you... and that you don't know if you could stay in the marriage without having a child.. perhaps he doesn't realize how very important it is for you... a marriage is communication and compromise.. talk to your husband and let him know how serious this is for you.

Answer 7

You are 24 years old, way too young to abandon your dream of being a mother.
Let him know how important this is to you, and persist and persist so he knows just how much this means to you.
From his perspective, it's also his life and he might not want more children. But if he did agree to it, he should at least discuss this with you with more depth than just saying "I'm too old for more children"

Answer 8

He is feeling down about himself.
That's why he is playing it off. He feels he is not able to give you the one thing you want, and he feels terrible inside.
It is quite a blow to a man to think that he cannot full fill his wife's desire to have a child. Like he is less of a man.
So he is playing it off that he is too old.
Trust me, he wants to give you a child, but inside not being able to is tearing him up.
He is trying to be strong on the outside, and saying he is too old is his way of trying to feel better about it.
All these people are telling you how selfish and worthless he is, and that you should leave him.
But you said yourself there were fertility issues.
He is feeling worthless by not being able to impregnate you.

Answer 9

Bottom line I believe that you will only regret him if you do not have a child together and you know it. I have said a little prayer for you-hope you get pregnant soon. Good luck.

Answer 10

dump him and find someone who does. i already been dwon that road for 8 years. its not worth giving up your dreams to have a child for a man. its just not.