Am I asking too much of my girlfriend?

Question

Can't do this properly in 1000 but I'll try. Split up some months ago with partner of 10 years (my fault). We have small kids, a joint business, a massive tangle of joint debts and a house that needs to be sold.

Things are vaguely amicable between us but I've been told in no uncertain terms that they won't be if she finds I have a new g/f. She's already made a proper suicide attempt and has also threatened to take the kids 300miles away to her home town.
I have a g/f and am keeping her secret because of the above, as I love my kids above everything. My g/f wants me to tell my ex about her now. If not I'm dumped.
I believe that with a bit more time my ex will calm, and she will become more accepting of a g/f announcement, and everyone will be happier. My g/f says I'm spineless and obviously care more about my ex's feelings than hers. I do love my g/f and want to be with her, but I feel that there is too much at stake to just tell my ex when she's not ready.

My kids mean everything to me and currently I can see them and have them stay over as much as I/they like and I was sure until recently that when the family home is eventually sold, my ex will stay in the area and things could remain fairly amicable. But My ex has said that there’s no way she would want another woman in the lives of “her” children, and wouldn’t allow me to see them with a g/f.
Likewise there are some pretty serious financial matters that can only be dealt with together, and failure to do them could potentially lead to bankruptcy for both of us.

In meantime my girlfriend wants to make a go of things NOW and is frustrated at being kept a secret. I can understand why she feels that way and I do feel guilty over not taking the leap she wants me to take.
My intentions towards future with my g/f are serious but she believes that I am merely stringing her along.I do truly love her but can’t make her see what I see. Or perhaps she’s right and i'm wrong?

For the record, we were never married so divorce proceedings are not an issue.

In response, I don't want to end up in a custody battle over the children. I want them to have the benefit of 2 equally involved parents.

I'm not asking my g/f to remain a secret for much longer. We've been together a few months and all I believe is necessary is another few weeks or so till my ex is in a better mental state to deal with me having a new g/f.

My g/f thinks that is too long. I say a few weeks or so for the long-term happiness and stability of my kids, my ex and myself isn't the biggest thing in the world to ask of her, but apparently it is. I don't want to lose her, but I also have to be able to look myself in the mirror, and i believe the damage potentially caused by not waiting a while could be enormous. My g/f says my ex should just deal with it.

Answer 1

I my honest oppinion it sounds like you have too much going on without having to deal with the girlfriend mess. your girlfriend shouldn't expect to come in and take over being the boss when you already have kids and all that. She needs to want to be a part of your family not be the head of it. Tell her that it's not that you still have feelings for your ex it's that she's the mother of your children and you still have to respect that for your kids sake. If she's not happy with that than you're with the wrong girl. Find a woman who will respect you for who you are and for the past that you have and understand that you have to watch out for you children and their mother whether you're married to her or not.

Answer 2

Wow, this is a bit of a mess. First, I'd like to ask you how you would feel if your ex brought a male figure into your childrens lives? How would you deal with that? Secondly the new g/f needs to respect the fact that your children are the ones who will be damaged by all of this drama. If the new g/f were in your shoes and had a threats of suicide from her ex how would she handle that? Although I don't believe in living in fear of anothers threats, I do hope know that if the ex did keep good on her threat - your children would be without a mother because you had a girlfriend who refused to be patient with your CHILDREN. I think if your girlfriend cared about your children and the sake of there wellbeing, she would understand that their feelings have to come before her's in this situation. Otherwise don't get involved any further.
This is a critical situation and can backfire if you don't keep the needs of your children first. By the way - how long have you been seperated. That too will determine how it will effect your children. Maybe you and the ex can seek counseling to help your children embrace the new life that you as parents have chosen. I work in an environment where custody exchanges occure daily - it's sad to see how many parents forget about their children and begin using them as pawns.
Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

Get rid of the girlfriend. If you were up front with her about your ex she knew what she was getting into. Sounds to me like your gf is a selfish person or doesn't want you to have your kids around. Whenever kids are involved they should come first. Don't risk losing your kids for this woman. You can replace the gf but u can't replace your children and if your ex is having a bad time with the break up she will do everything to turn your kids against you. The last thing that you want your kids to hear is "Daddy didn't love you enough to want to be with you, he loves her more" Even if it is not true if they are 300 miles away they won't see you very much and start to believe there mom.

Answer 4

You are giving too much credit to this new G/F.
You need to stand up to her and let her know in no uncertain terms that...your past life with the "wife" is in no way ANY of HER business and all decisions or opinions about it are off limits.
You say you love your children with everything.. but if that were so you would do anything to avoid hurting their mother in any way. You've already mentioned her fragile mental state .. most likely due to the divorce she wasn't any part of creating... (you said it was YOUR fault).
Be the Man that your children NEED you to be and figure out what your priorities are. IF it's your children.. then step back and take a look at the selfish **tch you've chosen to replace their mother. Sounds like she is more concerned with keeping the drama brewing and hurting your wife (for unkn reason) over doing what would be best for the situation.
You've already told her how you want it handled and it's obvious that she is dead set in making sure it's as uncomfortable as possible for everyone involved (even YOU).
Hmmmm.. you sure you're thinking with the brain in your head these days and not the one in your pants?!?

Answer 5

The law may have changed recently, I'm not sure, but it certainly used to be the case that if you and your ex were not married then you did not have automatic parental rights over your kids. This is one of the things Fathers for Justice were campaigning about.

You need to see a solicitor and establish paternity, then no matter what your ex does, you have every right to see your kids. Once that's settled then the ex can, quite frankly, go to hell. It is absolutely none of her business what you do and who you see.

Just ask your current girlfriend for a bit more patience. But do try and get this sorted - it'll come out in the end anyway, and it's better if you have some control over events.

Good luck - I feel for you.

Answer 6

You have a wife and a girlfriend................ hmmm would you expect either to give way to the other? The soon to be "ex" has already a suicide attempt so you say......... courts will look at that under a microscope when there are kids involved. So her taking the kids is not an option. And depending on their ages most likely they can choose who they want to be with. You or Mom.

The girlfriend is pressuring you to do something you don't want to do. DO YOU NEED A MORE BOLD SIGN? The girlfriend needs to support you not pressure you. Are you getting yourself into another situation as what you are trying to escape? Put the girlfriend on hold, your kids should be the most important thing to you in this situation.

Answer 7

I am assuming that you cheated on your ex with your gf and tore her world apart.
That would be obvious based on the suicide attempt you mention.
Your gf, is cold and selfish and unsympathetic to your situation.
You are knee deep in a ton of crap over this break up, and there are several things that need your undivided attention right now. And if your gf can't deal with that and back off for a while, I don't think you need her.
Explain to her that after you get the sale of the house and the debt situation resolved, you have the rest of your life to be with her.
The bitterness your ex has for you tells me you tore her heart out with this break up, and the amount of commitments you and her were in jointly tell me she was committed to you for the long long term, especially having your kids.
I don't know if this gf was worth all this you are going through, maybe she is to you, but your about to lose her too.
All you can do is one step at a time and if your gf can't handle that, then maybe your better off.
If she is like this now, I can only imagine how selfish and unfeeling she will be down the road.
Bottom line is, you made this bed, and like it or not, your going to have to lie in it.

Answer 8

your new girolfriend needes to realise that these things take time and when there are children at stake, things cant be rushed. Your new g/f is putting just as much pressure on you as your ex and needs to realise this.

You need to do what you feel is right and to hell with everyone esle. When there are joint debts, business, kids etc its never going to be straight forward and its nearly always going to end in tears,. Tell you new g/f to back off. If she loves you she should understand why you are taking your time - you know your ex and her actions better than anyone so do what you feel is best. Good luck

Answer 9

Your new girlfriend is insecure and probably feels you harbour feeling still for your ex. That is natural fear and she is questioning why you cannot tell her.
Have you organised any agreement legally with regards to your kids? Do you have parental responsibility? I would suggest talking with a solicitor to organise your legal rights to seeing your children. Your ex sounds unstable if she has been suicidal in the past and this may impact on a courts decision as to whether she is fit to have the kids.
It sounds like your ex still has feelings for you and would be jealous of any new person in your life? You cannot let her jealousy rule your life. Be firm and now open about the fact you have moved on. She has to accept it.
Ultimately your ex cannot stop you from moving on in life but she can make it awkward at the expense of your kids. I think that's terrible but it happens often.
My advice..take a look at the website families need fathers as they may be able to offer some advice and also see a solicitor with regards to sorting out your rights to your children. You also need to be form with your ex.
Up to you what you do about your current girlfriend but i;d tell her it's all in hand but your kids are the priority here.

Answer 10

Wow you had some real pain in at butt women around you, you know your situation better than any one and if the girl friend can't except this, to bad, the ex has you whipped, and you need a lawyer to straighten things out instead of being walked on, you have allot going on here, you need to decide what is the best for you and the kids. I do wish you the best.