I am
I am nobody when I am in Love
I can scream but she can not hear me
The sound is in my head
I want to go down with a voice
I shall sing off key
In my dream's l can travel far,
where life is darker than the pitch blackness
that covers her soul
I see a demon on my bed sheet,
I can not kill it in my dream's
I am where I don't want to be
l am not me anymore
Yet I am what I am
She is what I am living for
2007-07-28 04:27:33 · 12 answers · asked by catsclaw 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Wow... I'm just amazed!
Add me as a contact please! I want to see your other poems!
2007-07-28 04:39:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anthony C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem is beautiful, but in my opinion I feel it would sound better if you take out the first line, "I am" and just start with "I am nobody when I am in Love." If you notice that is the line that you are explaining, you are in love: you are screaming but she can't hear you; its all in your head; you try to tell her but you can't about your feeling and so on and so forth.
2007-07-28 11:35:24 · answer #2 · answered by jumba 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly I don't really think this is a poem. It's more like poetic prose. In order for it to sound more poetic, it should flow.
Also, it's not "can not" it's "cannot"
It's not "dream's" it's "dreams"
2007-07-28 11:47:12 · answer #3 · answered by Cinnibuns 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
nt bad ! did eu compose urself ?
well suggestion is to make it rhymes
i hope tat helps
and try to make it more sorrow or a small laughter
this is quite important
2007-07-28 11:30:53 · answer #4 · answered by imperfecxt_guRLz 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think its either a boyfriend who can't live up to her expectations, or a child who is trying to appease his/her condescending mother.
Thats my interpretation anyway
2007-07-28 11:33:09 · answer #5 · answered by pierremanonogrn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is really good
did you make it?
put it on myspace
in a blog or somewhere
show people
i like it
its nice
2007-07-28 11:35:24 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
that was nice. but i think u need to look at it once more and correct the i am's and stuff. make it have a little more flow
2007-07-28 11:32:10 · answer #7 · answered by You wish you were my chapstick~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Id loose the first line "I am" otherwise its ok, but pretty random, and you could be more descriptive.
2007-07-28 11:32:03 · answer #8 · answered by Lena 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it
2007-07-28 11:33:07 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think its ok
2007-07-28 11:30:05 · answer #10 · answered by Mantonio B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋