Could angry words destroy a relationship?

Question

Sometimes my husband and I get into these stupid fights, they get out of hand and result in name calling, put downs and angry words. My husband has the ability to bounce back fast and usually is the first to apologize, and is able to be affectionate afterwards. But I on the other hand, words cut through me really deep, I am very sensitive. Angry fights, and nasty things that were said or done pretty much destroyed my feelings for my husband, and my ability to be affectionate or deeply intimate with him. Its just not the same anymore. We are currently seeking marriage counsellling. We went to one session, but still had a bad fight afterwards. I think my extreme sensitivity comes from growing up with insensitive siblings, I just expect more from my husband. I am not close with my siblings also because of things they've done to me. I get so upset if my husband acts in any way negative towards me that I can get physical at times.

No mean responses please. I came from a very dysfunctional home life. I was treated very unfairly at times, growing up. I have been to therapy, and am still going now to get help and to change. I'm doing it pprimarily for our 2 boys, 1 and 5. THEY ARE MY LIFE!!! I LOVE THEM SOOO MUCH!!!!

Answer 1

Ah, most people have given such wonderful replies that I have nothing much to add to, except a cute and very meaningful message for both of you in the form of this beautiful story on 'how to make marriages work'. Its not a lecture, not a set of tips and tricks or any advice even... its is just a close to real-life story of a woman who learns the real meaning of marriage in small moments that she spends...


http://thescentedcandles.blogspot.com/2007/06/making-marriage-work.html


And please don't forget: ANYBODY can run away from a relationship... but those who put their heart and soul to make it work are the real winners in the end.

Enjoy the story :-)

Answer 2

Yes, angry words can definitely destroy not only a r'ship but a person's heart and spirit. Words are very powerful. My husband is the same way. I can have a short fuse, get annoyed by silly little things and when I do, I snip and snap at whoever is closest. He grew up in a family who didn't talk about things, never argued and so he wasn't used to being snapped at. I realized I had to change the way I communicate with him if I didn't want him to stay constantly hurt. I didn't MEAN to hurt him but I just grew up in a different environment. My family are very close but we always used sarcasm. It was a loud family where arguments were typical so I never learned how to communicate in a kind, respectful way. I've gotten so much better. I made a conscious effort. It sounds like that is what has to happen now. You have to work on not taking everything personally or letting it cut you to the bone. He has to work on not having a short fuse and then controlling his reactions knowing how sensitive you are. Communication is so important and it sounds like the 2 of you just need to make a conscious effort to change how you communicate when you're angry.

Answer 3

Words do hurt more than physical fighting. THey stay around a lot longer and cause emotional problems. Angry words can definetly destroy a relationship. You can't be happy and in love and affectionate with someone that is badmouthing you. But everyone has their fights and moments they wish they could take back. YOu have to decide if some bad angry words are going to destroy your relationship. IF it happens on a regular basis, i wouldn't put up with it. Explain to him that you dealt with crap like that for a long time and you need him to be sensitive to that and your feelings.

Answer 4

YES, WORDS CAN DESTROY A RELATIONSHIP! I'm speaking from personal experience. Also, we've heard counselors say countless times that verbal abuse does more damage than physical abuse. Now you never said what causes these arguments but that can be a major factor. You guys really need to get to the root of what is causing the arguments so you can make a serious attempt to remedy the problem.

Also, you should get counseling for yourself. It sounds like you have some demons from childhood that you may have very well brought into your marriage.

Name calling is very adolescent, you and your husband need to get that childish behavior in check really fast and physical demonstrations of anger are completely out of the question. Next arugment STOP...stop and say "let's discuss this calmly" and insist on calm voices and intelligent words to articulate your thoughts and feelings. Trust me, it will take you a long way. Also, you get resolve much more quickly. When you yell all you can hear is yelling, you never hear the words being expressed.

Best of luck to you and your hubby. Sorry this is such a long response, but what you are going through is a personal experience for me and I just had to give my opinion. (smile)

Answer 5

I don't give advise mostly but.....I finally realized alot of me and my husband problems came from not letting go of MY own issues. THIS is a NEW relationship, your siblings are not in it.( I know its hard to forget the past) But What you put out there( your yelling too) will come back at you. I'm glad you are seeking counseling. Angry words are not easily forgotten. Beware! I used to apologize and be loving just to shut my husband up and I kept secret grudges. My way of being superior I guess. I know stupid. I had some really bad months this past winter( my Dad Died and I lost my Job) he stuck by me even after I left him. That showed me his TRUE nature. So we are well. Good Luck and well wishes.

Answer 6

I personally had this problem really bad with my ex girlfriend.You have self esteem issues.Forget about the past.You can't take back the hurt.Your husband should be a little more sensitive to your weakness.He sounds like he does'nt know quite how to handle your sensitivity.You need to learn how to transfer that negative energy that makes you get physical.Don't blame him for everything.It takes two to tango.At least the two of you have excepted that you need help outside of yourselves.Improve your communication as a couple.Alot of collision can be avoided by good old fashion talking

Answer 7

yes angry words can destroy a relationship but it sounds like you are on the right track with counseling but always remember the little ears that also hear the angry words my ex husband and i would say some awful things when we were fighting i don't remember half of it but my 3 older sons can and it has stuck with them over the years and we were divorced 12 years ago so please think and remind your husband kids not only hear us they watch us and learn how to behave to be careful what you teach them even when your angry... good luck

Answer 8

Unfortunately, we cannot control how our psyche reacts to name calling. I too experienced that for a number of years with my husband. And over the years, I began having feelings of rage flow through me during these fights. I started hating who I was when we were together. I left him several times. He was always able to bounce back as well, being affectionate, wanting intimacy etc. But as therapy pointed out, that was primarilly because he was the one who started the name calling. He would call me the most awful names. Names that could destroy anybody's sense of well being, confidence, and desire to be intimate. We are still together, but the intimacy is almost non-existant. It's been two years since the name calling stopped (with therapy) and I still struggle to be comfortable sleeping with him. At many times, the thought of being intimate with him turns my stomach. But I love him, and I want us to be together still. In time, I believe I will get back that security I had before. I just know not to rush it, and he has learned that to pressure me about it only causes more harm. He has accepted things the way they are now. Right now we are more of a partnership, co-living, co-parenting, friends, and maybe one day romance will return to us.

Answer 9

You are just doing what you saw in your home when you were young. You need to take a class or read up on and the practice fighting fare. If you don't you are continuing the cycle. You don't want you children to have relationships like this when they get older.

Answer 10

Dear Sweet Rese, I know first hand what you are talking about; and yesangry words can ruin, damage and kill a relationship. My husband and I, have had very nasty arguments and disputes that result in name calling more on his part than mine. HE admits, to saying things purposely to hurt me when he is angry, upset or mad; but that does'nt make name calling and saying things just because you are angry right. You guys are doing the right thing by going to a marriage counselor the reason that i type this, is because that this is a sign that you two are trying to and willing to work it out on smoe levels and sort out your problems and issues. You are right on the other hand, that there is no reason for name calling and saying the wrong things when you or your husband is angry because all that does is push the other away and make the both of you resent the other and wish that you had'nt gotten married. I am the type of person that believes that everything happens for a reason, whether it is good or bad or whether we feel like it is a mistake or not. Everything is a part of GOD'S designed plan for us and until we, people realize that then we won't be able to accept things as they are and try to see the good that "WILL" come or "CAN" come out of any situation. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you and your husband been married? Me and my husband have been married for 9 months to the date and we have gotten soooooo much better than we used to be about alot of things from the arguing in front of the kids to him trying to hold me and make me talk to him when he felt that he was ready to talk and i was wasn't. Men just have that in them to argue and fight, cuss and fuss, and then have gotten over it in 10 or 15 min. after the fight and us women, are left still upset and angry or hurting, thinking, and analyzing the situation more so than he is that's just the way it is and probably always will be when it comes to a man and a woman. But it all boils down to having great and open lines of communication and strategically knowing how to approach a situation and how to say things without setting off a bomb. It Is never Ever what you say to a person it is 100% how you say it and when you and your spouse learn how to talk to each other and learn how to say it, then your relationship will get sweeter and sweeter guaranteed! Because once you say somthing to somebody whether it is good, bad, ugly, or indifferent you can not take it back. Everybody has to learn how to say things and when to say things to everybody all of the time because words mean alot and the tounge is a powerful thing. Everyone has a mouth, and they are all good and bad at different things. When you open it, you are telling the world who you are. When you keep it closed, you are doing the very same. It is the only body part that can speak for itself. Take care of your mouth it can be brilliant. In other words,talk to your husband the way you want to be talked to, and before you guys even start an argument justgo out the door and go for a walk, or take a ride in the car get time to and for your self just to sort things out and then come back after you've gotten your thoughts together and say hey babe this is what i meant when i said this or imeant this when i was talking about that don't let the thing escalate until you guys are name calling and cussing stop it before it gets to that point.I would like to be a support system for you and iwould like to hear back from you so please feel free to email me and let me know if i was any help at all in your time of distress and in need of answers and advice. My address is [e-mail] i look forward to hearing from you soon Be BLEST and STAY STRONG GOD BLESS YOU and YOUR husband.