OMGosh!!! Arranged marriages, marrying cousins, what's the deal here?

Question

I'm not an Indian woman so, no, I won't understand based on having a traditional cultural knowledge of this. But for you Indians out there who live abroad and not in India, why do you say parents know best and select spouses whom you've never met?? As you may have read earlier, I left a question about being pursued by an Indian guy (I'm African American), and I have recalled in our 4 1/2 months of conversation, him mentioning his parents wanting him to marry an Indian woman (not GIRL- what the fudge is up with "girl"?) and why he'd never marry me. It feels like I've step into parts of the play, The Fiddler..., you know, TRADITION!! (Yes, I know the Fiddler's not an Indian play, duh, I'm just saying) Why do your parents control such aspects of your lives, and what does a more modern Indian marriage look like, be it traditional or interracial?

Based on some of the answers I received, my question is not based on criticism, but curiosity. I am aware of cultural diversity and I embrass the differences. Please know that I am asking this question with the desire to understand. And I do know that India is a leading country...

Okay. I'm getting a bit upset here. I dislike the fact that so far some of my responders have used me to sum up the American or other foreign population as a whole. I am not every American. I am not every foreign person. I am only one person.....only one. And I wasn't born understanding the world and all it has to offer. Everyday I learn something...don't we all!! And there are things in many cultures, even to you all whose answered so far, that come off as a shocker prior to understanding the reason behind it. So once again, I am asking this question for the sole purpose of understanding, and not to be used as a foreign target to bash.

Answer 1

Hey I understand your situation. I've seen so many the so called Indians freak out with people of other Natianalities but none either have the GUTS to stand against their parents or have been simply having fun and then blame Parents, Society, Culture and Traditions to be stopping them - its just an excuse!!

The Real Culprits are neither Parents, Society, Culture or Traditions its these kinds of Men - who think the moment they step out of India they are free to do all rubbish including playing with sentiments and emotions of others. Try pinching thier sentiments or emotions they are a deadmeat - but they do not care about others!!

Yea..the parents are only concerned about their son's stable married life - and only they know how murky narrow minded their son pig is so only another murky pigy would suit him!!

Stay away from such PIGs!!!

At the same time, You would find a lot of Indian men marrying women of different origins, not an issue!!

Answer 2

If i understood ur question correctly, all I can provide is this. The reason ppl on this site let parents make every decision for me(some do, some don't), is because that's how we were raised. That's how their parents did it, that's how society did it...and therefore the culture is sustained. Some even believe that love marriages lead to divorce, because in marriage...no matter what type, families are married, and in arrangement, u get to make sure u like the family as well as the individual before u get married. It's a common belief that parents know what's best for u. Nowadays, the beliefs are changing in India...divorces and annulments happen...ppl do fall in love and get married w/o parental consent...and all is forgiven later...and all is well. But it's like this, if something has worked pretty well for centuries...y not continue it? I don't know about the marrying cousins part, but that might just have to do with a particular lineage or something. Arranged marriages were done in America a century or so ago, and even in Africa, I still think they're done in some cultures there.

Plus, some parents let their kids choose who they want to marry...u know, after they screen them and deem them ok first. It's just another way of finding someone to marry, but this way, ur family has a say in it...because in Indian tradition...until ur spouse takes care of u(after marriage), ur parents are supposed to...and this is just the last thing they give u. I hope this helps a little. And as ur earlier comment about the letter u received...American guys and girls do this too. They'll date someone solely for dating purposes, and then when they're ready, they'll go after someone else whom they intend to marry. It's all about what ppl want...some know what they want, and others find it along the way. As for inter racial marriages, I've known other races who were ok with their kids mingling with other races, but no way would they tolerate marriage between the two...sol that's not an isolated Indian thing. There are plenty of ppl who want to keep their family "pure" but they're not racists. I can see pros and cons to that. IT gets iinto culture, and some just rather avoid the issue if possible...because there are different cultures even in a melting pot like America.

Answer 3

Good question. I worked with an India guy that was in love with an India girl. However, she was going to marry someone her parents "chose". He was heartbroken. I told him to tell the girl that is it her or the parents that will have to spend the rest of their lives with the "chosen guy". I also told him to tell the girl she should make her own decisions and move to the US. He ended up marrying some girl his parents "chose" for him because his parents thought he was getting too old to stay single, and if he didn't marry now, then nobody would want him. He hadn't met the girl, and I told him that I hope it worked out, because why wasn't she already promised to someone? Told him to make sure he checked her out before he got married to her. He said it's all tradition. I told him traditions are meant to be broken and new ones created. He agreed, but told him to do whatever he felt he should, as I didn't want to create an international incident. He's not very happy. But, he stays because it's "tradition".

Answer 4

There is nothing wrong in arranged marriage. In love it may or may not end in marriage. But in this arranged marriage love starts with marriage and goes on forever.
But this should not be compelled if the brides are in love with some other.
We love our tradition and give respect.
We do have different kind of customs and castes. If one man loves and marries another caste girl she may find it difficult to get around with new atmosphere/custom/habits. That is one of the reasons this system emerged and accepted widely even by the younger generation.

Answer 5

By the way what you Americans think about Indians & Indian Culture that you come out of all such things. Madam India is a huge country having one sixth population of the whole world; we are secular democracy not a Christian democracy like you. We respect all the religions of the world & have people following all the religions of the world. But in Indian culture marriage is not only a legal obligation but even a social,sacrimental & family function where every one wants to be participate in this function & bless the newly weds. No doubt the old traditions change with time but basic structure remains the same. As far inter-religious, inter-caste, inter-racial marriages are concerned we follow those too & even want to celebrate such union in our own traditional manners. Its not we but you Americans will have to come under our traditional, colorful atmosphere & enjoy this family function in our ways of music & dance, lots of sweets & various types of delicacies, lots of fun & love, fire crackers & lightening etc in which we celebrate this occasion, not for one day but for days together till every one is too tired to do any thing more. One finds the same colorful atmosphere in all religious weddings in India whether it is Hindus, Muslims, Christians or Jews, whether they are people from North India or southern India, whether they are Gujratis or Bengalis, any where you go & you'll find the same fun in an Indian wedding. Now for your question of arranged & love marriage is concerned, now the difference between both has diluted so much that even a love marriage ultimately is being celebrated as the arranged one & vice versa. Boy & girl if meet & like each other they do inform the parents & in most of the cases the parents get them married with full traditional way, even if they have not met before but are introduced by some one from the family they take time & meet each other to know more about each other before they actually give their consent for this marriage. It is not the way you Americans think as if the Indian marry off their kids like some cattle’s tied with rope & given to another person like that. I advice you American guys to better change your ways to see India & Indian culture as it actually exist not from some 50years old Indian Satyajiy Ray's Bengali motion pictures point of view. India is not living in 18th century as you think but we are now very much in 2007. My purpose is not to hurt any one but to tell India is a very large, multi-religious, multi-cultural & multi-traditional country but we all Indians are ONE when it comes to our Honour & no one can take us for granted.

Answer 6

arranged marriage these days r very different 4rm the ones 4rm the 17th century
now in the 21st century our parents choose 4 us but then theyfix us up wit tiime wit the guy they chose 4 us then we can decide if like him or not and my parents will never get mad at me 4 refusing

Answer 7

I think you got your answer from Vijay.M, and it has kicked you americans right where it matters.
You Americans marry on Monday and get a divorce on Tuesday because you people can only FIDDLE and do nothing permenant. For americans marriage is a one night affair and maybe if the female is tooo hot a week long affair.Right.

Answer 8

i dont know why u foriegners are always contradicting or raising questions over our traditions and beliefs even if u dont know about them in depth.and how come wud u get to now about them,unless or until you come n experience them....why dont you people come and explore the new and different INDIA,but wth same amount of love n respect 4 others...........