In a marriage- is a lie just a lie....?

Question

I was caught lying about my credit card balance but it's all in the open now and I no longer have any secrets. Yet my husband has lied to me about his whereabouts and I am pretty sure he cheated on me. I feel like both are lies but his is worse. Some would say that I lied, he lied so we're even. Anyone want to weigh in on this? I want to confront him but he's the type to throw my mistakes back in my face.

PS it is not as though he started his behavior AFTER he uncovered my lie- it was about the same time, possibly before so it's not that he was just reacting to what I did to get revenge.

Answer 1

Yes, both are lies....but one is much worse than the other. You lied about your credit card because you didnt want to get into trouble or have a confrontation....and while it wasnt the right thing to do, it didnt question your loyalty as a wife. Cheating affects everything....your pride, your self worth, and even your sanity. You wonder what it is about you that makes your man want another woman. Cheating affects your whole life. Lying about a credit card balance, while it does raise trust issues, it certainly does not affect your husband's self esteem. What he is doing is attacking your very soul. He may through lying about the credit card in your face, but hell, let him, what he is doing is much more serious and the only reason he would throw it in your face is to take the focus of the severity of what he is doing. Its a very good offensive trick because it put you on the defensive and you back off. My kids are masters at turning things around. When I chastise them about something, they will always come back with the things I have done wrong. I calmly tell them., this is not about me, its about you....so explain why you did what you did. If they continue to try to turn it around on me, I will repeat......"this is not about me,. this is about you". I wont be drawn into a power play. I always say to them, if you have issues with me, then bring them up with me first, not as an excuse for doing what they have done. I refuse to explain myself because I am wanting the answers. Be firm, be consistent, dont explain yourself. If he tries to turn it around on you, you calmly say to him....I want answers....this is not about me, its about you. If you remain calm and consistent, you will eventually get your answers. Dont allow him to argue with you. If he gets angry and starts throwing things up in your face.....walk away, tell him, you will discuss these issues with him when he is calmer. Take control.......dont be drawn into his cover up tactics. You keep on asking the questions.....do not answer any of his.....this puts you in the drivers seat.

Answer 2

How convenient for him to use your lie so that he can hide what he is doing and cheat on you. A bad credit card balance is easier to deal with than a spouse who is unfaithful and jeopardizes the very basis of your marriage. Your so called "lie" may have been brought about by impulse or bad planning and was never any reason for it to be hidden. But if your husband is cheating on you and being evasive then his is a down right deliberate lie and he would have every reason to avoid any confrontation with you by trying to throw your mistake back in your face. As it stands now your mistake is out in the open where there is a favorable chance that your marriage wouldn't suffer as a result. On the other hand, your husband is still hiding something from you and has yet to explain just what he's been up to and with whom. Even if you two went for counseling you would benefit from it because you fessed up and are no longer hiding anything and you now have a clear conscience. But your husband is still living his lie and is trying his darnedest not to be found out. He wouldn't want to admit that he cheated to come out in a counceling session would he?
Whatever the case, using your "lie" as means of avoidance is wearing very thin and losing it's punch where it will quickly be no longer any kind hold for him to use on you. Sooner or later your husband, (like Bill Clinton) will run out of ways to hide and will be exposed, forcing him to face and admit in front of you and everyone, just what he was afraid of and had been hiding all along.

Answer 3

any lie to your spouse is something you should feel terrible about. In a way it is good that you were caught because it probably means that this behavior will not continue for you. However with your husband, it is tricky- I think that cheating is worse for some of the reasons stated above you obviously don't lead a blameless life and did intend to deceive him in a way that could cause major problems for your family. I would tread carefully and determine if this is an isolated incident or not, also try to find if this incident can pose any health risk to you or your family. If you feel like it was a one time thing look deep inside yourself- can you forgive as he forgave you for your deceit? Your marriage is not doomed.

If it is not an isolated incident I think the choice may be farily obvious.

Answer 4

a lie is a lie. the difference here is. you took responsibility and accountability.
This is not a game, its a marriage so that part about being even is bulls--t.
Allow him to throw what ever back at you it still doesn't change or make his lies justified.He as well needs to take responsibility for his actions, his doings and his words, he and only he made the choices he made.
You have integrity. Does he? call him up on it and ask what you want to know, but make sure you are ready to handle and except the truth, he may just tell it.

Answer 5

There's a difference. That's like you telling your man that you didn't go shopping and you did and he saying well it's not my baby but, I did have sex with her. It just doesn't make sense. He basically put your marriage at steak by committing adultery. So know it's up to you to set the record straight. I was always told by my elders that a good way to catch a person cheating is don't say nothing at all because a person will always tell on their self if you just listen and, make them think that you do not suspect anything. That way they want be careful in hiding the truth.

Answer 6

for one its just a credit card its not that big of a deal and it probably would be best if he did not know the balance and for the other stuff you will find there is nothing but hiding and deceiving in a relationship and always someone well get hurt in the end.

Answer 7

Well, I'd say the two of you both have issues with being honest. It makes me wonder just how good your marriage is.

Frankly, you need to get into counseling. That's assuming you want to stay married, and not just go on and on forever in THIS mess.

Answer 8

A lie in a marriage is when you will lose trust in your partner. It also depends on what the lie was for. Let me tell you that if that guy lied and cheated and you lied too, I'll predict your future.

ANOTHER FAILED MARRIAGE, BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING A DIVORCE!

Good work. I hope you two idiots don't have kids.

Answer 9

guess 2 of you need to seek help from counselling...

both are so blind with the lie(s)... forgot the respect and trust all should have in a relationship. do you know the purpose of marriage?

so what who is wrong and who is right? unless you 2 enjoy such a life style, lie(s) around....

stop the nonsense and move on please.

Answer 10

Your credit card balance can't give him AIDS. If you really think he is cheating on you get out now!