How am I supposed to respond to my husband who completely disrespects my lack of libido?

Question

I totally understand that he feels rejected each and every time I do not want to have sex and I am in no way mean about it... if anything I am apologetic. But every time I reject him he treats me like total crap. For instance... this afternoon he wanted to get frisky before getting ready to go to a BBQ we were invited to at our friends' house. I really sucked it up this time and told him to go wait in the bedroom until I was done with my shower. I told him it'd be really cool if he checked out the book on my nightstand, "Love & Respect" (within marriage), and that I'd meet him in there after I was done showering. Apparently he didn't like my suggestion (or I'm sure as he thought, "being told what to do") because he was getting his clothes together... asked me where his shirt was, etc., and it just bummed me out that I told him what I needed (to not HOUND me to have sex and just wait for me to come to him) and the little inkling I had to go on to want to have sex vanished. So...

...again, I turned him down. He quickly said this is BS and left the house just 45 minutes before we were supposed to leave for our friends' house. It is now 2 1/2 hours later and he still isn't back. I had to call our friends and tell them I was sorry but had to cancel at the last minute - totally humiliating me. AND, as usual I feel completly disrespected that he gets so angry and treats me like crap every time I don't want to have sex... which, in turn, is a total turn-off and makes me not want to have sex next time. I'm just at a loss...

I completely understand that he feels rejected time and time again but I am in no way disrespectful. This all started when I got pregnant the first time... she is now 2 years old and am pregnant with my second child. I'd like to think that it's just hormonal but his reactions have turned into why I have a lack of libido. And yes - I have explained this to him many times but apparently I'm not doing something right. I can't just suck it up and give him his daily dose of sex because I would feel used.

SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Yeah, I see your point about telling him to go look at the book while he waits for me to come to him... but in my defense, I told him about being excited about this new book I got right before he started gettin' frisky... so it wasn't completely out of context.

Answer 1

I am sorry you are going through this.

I think you were on the right track with the reading suggestion, but your timing was WAY off.

Everything in a marriage is basically negotiated, including sex. This means that you absolutely have the right to let him know what you need from him, and if that includes him reading some of that book, then there is nothing wrong with that AT ALL, however, it should be clearly discussed and understood. Mentioning it while you're naked in the shower after he thinks he's going to get lucky was probably pretty insulting to him and I can see why it was a mood breaker.

I never like the typical answer of "a man's got needs", because quite frankly, HUMANS have needs- not just men. All of our needs are equally important and the notion that men are these animals that lack self control bugs me to no end.

He is probably rebelling because it would seem to him that you are holding all the cards and he is at your mercy. No one likes to feel controlled. The truth is, though, that you are just as miserable, only in a different way. You have got to sit him down and have a heart to heart and you must do it from a non accusatory stance. Show him your vulnerabilities and be understanding of his position.

It maybe that you two can't work this out on your own and there is nothing wrong with that. That's what therapists are for! Best of luck!

Answer 2

I am talking sincerely here so please read what I have to say. I understand that you don't always feel like having sex because you are now a mother and pregnant again, but a man's needs are different, more urgent. I agree with what some of the others have said - if he doesnt get his needs met at home he will look elsewhere.

I personally did not feel like it this morning, but my husband did. So he played with himself while I helped out and kissed and caressed him. How long did that take? A few minutes. You could have done the same thing! You should read 'The Rules for Marriage' and another book called something like 'Secrets about Men that every women should know' - that's by Barbara de Angelis. They both give very sensible advice.

When men are turned down sexually they feel very very rejected. Men feel that you have rejected ALL of them, not just the sex. There are so many things that you could do to keep him happy, surely that would be better than having him go off, feeling rejected, and leaving you alone? What is that achieving? Nothing!

Men are not alway looking for a long drawn out love-making session. They just want some quick relief. For goodness sake, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Use your hands, use your mouth - make him lie on the bed and do it himself while he watches you pose.... or anything.

Men who want sex don't want to be told to go and wait or read your book - you're making him feel like a naughty school boy.

When he comes back, tell him you are sorry, and get your hands down his trousers!

Why do you think men have affairs or see prostitutes - because they are not getting what they want at home!

I KNOW how you feel is important too - but think of the marriage as a whole. Its not just about you, or him, but preserving the whole thing - for both of you AND the children.

Stop making a big deal out of it!

Good luck and best wishes,

Faith x

Answer 3

well, in this particular situation, that book you wanted him to read is something to read during "down time" and not when you told him to.
if you want him to read something while he is waiting for you to "freshen up" then it should be a story or poem or something that has some erotic writings...maybe something that is either to be read just to get more excited, or something that has something you want done to you or what you are going to do to him.

it sounds like you both need to go through the lessons of the book "Love and Respect" but a sexually excited time is not the time for it.

now, to the issue of your low libido..... do you think you really just lost interest? Or do you think you are so caught up in being a parent and doing things for child and the home, but not making time for your husband? Is now your husband's sexual needs just another chore for you?

now, yes, during pregnancy many women lose interest while other women want sex even more. But I think after pregnancy it is often getting so caught up in the business of parenting that many women forget to put their husband's needs anywhere on their priority lists.

for example, do you ever initiate the sex? or is it always him having to do so? if that is the case, see if throwing him a bone once in a while by surprising him with your initiating. maybe if you did this once in a while, the times he is rejected will be a bit more bearable.

sexual frustration is VERY real. it can make a person lose sleep, feel angry, feel their spouse is abandoning them, even make them to start thinking about or looking at other people... with the worst result a person acting on those thoughts... meaning going out and having an affair with someone who will give them that need.


.... I do think though, that if you want him to eventually read "Love and Respect" with you, you should apologize to him for suggesting him to read it when you did. If you don't apologize about it, he might keep being reminded of this day and never want to read any of it.

Answer 4

After watching too much TV ... I've learned that Mother's get the serotonin fulfillment from their children. It is the touching, hugging, kissing and attention. Men do not get enough of this from their wives or children. Since children complete the woman's sexuality and is infinitely longer than a man's sexuality.

To cure this it has been suggested to increase touching with your husband. Don't start with 'sexual' touching. Instead, plan to meet him at the door and jump on him and give him hugs and kisses. Then find ways to touch your husband more and more; this may have to be forced on your part. So, make goals ... I will touch my husband so many times, and then increase. Within 21 days you're libido should be back in alignment with your husband. Plus, he won't feel so rejected if you increase your attention and touching in other area's of your life.

Also, having your kids hug and kiss him more too bring you all in closer. Try sandwiching your kids between you and your husband and spoil with kisses and hugs.

Answer 5

my suggestion is to talk it out what you shared here with your husband IMMEDIATELY. (of coz, u have to discard some points which might hurt him).

I do encourage you both to arrange for a honeymoon. A set time only to encourage romance. Out of work, child, etc. U might need help of someone you can trust to take care for your daughter.

If time is the problem, what if you deal with your husband to go for 'date'. We, women, are different from men. Some people describe us as 'diesel' which needs to be heated quite long to work its function well. While guys is alot faster than us to get aroused. It takes more of the psychology-factors for us to be ready for 'action'. Our feelings and emotional security does matter for good sex.

What if dine-out, movie, then just touching each other. As time goes by, increase intimacy with kisses. Then at another day, give some more flirtings.

Let him know your feelings dear. Don't bear it alone. I'm sure he'll feel much better after knowing what you are facing. This will help him understand you better.

Answer 6

I am still single...but given your situation... i understand how frustrating it is for both of you. You need your peace and he needs his release. Well, i guess you could ask your husband politely that you can't do it today... but you can't refuse him all the time. He still has rights to make love to his wife too. Besides... a man needs is different from ours. Would you rather have him have his release with someone else...that is if worst comes to worst.

You said you are pregnant with your second child? are you pregnant at this time? maybe you could ask your doctor to tell your husband to lay low for a while... coz you are on a delicate situation.

You have to ease with your husband...in some way or another...coz you both need your peace. Maybe, if he has his way once in a while... even if youre not in the mood... he will be not as nasty as you put it. good luck.

Answer 7

Wash only your laundry and dishes. Stop painting. Frankly, it sounds like a major communcation issue so the two of you sit down and calmly discuss various issues. No screaming or crying or nonsense just talking like adults. I don't see mention of kids and that is good so you can make a fresh start when you dump his butt. Don't get pregnant until you know what kind of person you really married. If counselling together doesn't work, get divorced. You deserve to be happy and you sound miserable.

Answer 8

my current so-called g/f hasnt given me anything since around last thanksgiving, since then, nothing at all. now, i am not by nature the cheating type, but just because she has decided, for whatever reason ( and she still wont, or cant, tell me why she doesnt want to have sex with me), that she no longer wants to have sex, or any kind of a sex life at all, does not mean my sex life is over, too. like i said, i am not the cheating type, never have been, but since last nov., i have been with 4 other women, to satisfy my libido. and your husband will more than likely end up doing the same.

Answer 9

I understand your dilemma, but, honey, the guy needs his "fix!". And his porkchop of desire is YOU! Not the hoochie next door, etc... I have a low libido due to my antidepressent and I could be plain ole cellebute (or however you spell it). I don't really think of it as a wifely duty exactly, but I do oblige him once a week. He's so hot and bothered, it don't take long! Think of it as him taking out the garbage. It aint fun for him, but it's necessary if we want our junk picked up! Same with sex. It's necessary, tho you may not wanna do it, and it keeps his "junk" in check and happy. I just got a prescription for testosterone for my libido., so I'll see if it makes me feel like a slu**y wench, which is what I 'm hoping for!!!!!! Sometimes women lack testosterone that gives us sexual desire. It's just a low dose cream for woman And as long as it works and I don't grow a mustache, I'll be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

Your problem is a two part problem. Your lack of interest in sex and your husbands perceived disrespect of that problem.
To deal with the first part...it is not uncommon for a women, after she has a baby, to regard her sexual body parts as utilitarian. She begins to think of those parts as "being for babies", and not for the husband. There are also hormonal aspects to take into consideration that can produce mild forms of depression. Take the initiative to talk to your doctor about these things. This will give your clarity as to what you can do about yourself and give you legitimate talking points to discuss with your husband.
Secondly, your husband needs to work on not reacting in a passive aggressive manner in regards to this problem. Nothing is ever accomplished by "storming out" and it generally causes more problems than it solves. That being said, your husband is not reacting out of disappointment in not having sex, but out of a perceived rejection by you of his manhood. Understand that to feel loved...a man needs to feel wanted...and needed.
After seeing the doctor, talk to your husband and let him know that it isn't a coldness on your part...or rejection of him, but rather a "situation" that the two of you need to discuss, and solve together.