No matter what happens when we fight, my husband doesn't think we should divorce is something wrong with him?

Question

My husband seems that his boundaries are limitless as far as how much he would take before he would leave me. I could say the worse things to him or we could have the worst possible fight and the the next few hours he could just let it go. When we say mean things to each other my husband is able to get over it, but I can't, even if I was wrong, in fact my feelings are pretty much gone because of things that we're said. I don't beleive in that saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Words do hurt. I could never really love him anymore , but for some reason he doesn't want to give up. If it was up to him we would never divorce. Is it a lack of self love that causes him to be this way?

Our fights get really bad at times, personally I think we should never talk to each other again, if we weren't married with 2 children, that's how bad it gets

I just beleive that when someone loves you , that person would not say certain things to you, or call you certain names even if you we're wrong

Harley: yeah it can get physical too, mostly on my part

Delilah-.Lol, actually if we get divorced if he wants he can take me to the cleaners. I make alot more money than he does.

Answer 1

You need to make an appointment with a marriage counselor. It sounds like you are wanting out and he doesn't. It takes two to argue. When he serves it up don't return the volley. Think twice before you serve it up. When you need to talk of something that makes you mad do not enter anything personal in the discussion. Say something like "It hurts me when I'm lied to" instead of "You're a damn liar".

Answer 2

<<>>

Why on earth do you ask that? It sounds like he loves you a lot and is in this marriage for better or worse, for the long haul.

You also added that when someone loves you they shouldn't say certain things to you...well, you started the whole thing off by saying <>> Then you go on to say, <<>>

I too, have no clue why he doesn't leave you. You are very unforgiving. Even you admit that YOU can't get over the argument even when YOU were wrong! <<>> Could be he LOVES you faults and all. Do you have any idea how RARE that is???

I'd work on being a bit more forgiving because few guys are going to just let you push them to leave you and not actually leave.

Answer 3

Honey, it's not a self love thing. It's a man taking his vows seriously and you having issues that you aren't ready to acknowledge. There's more to this than you are letting on and it's more than the words that are being said. Alot of times in a marriage, couples get bored. That boredom turns into annoyance and before you know it, those cute little things you once found adoring that he does, have now become the very things that make you want to rip his head off. Words get said, and the distancing of the heart begins. It happens all the time. And you are right, words do hurt. But are they hurting because there is some truth to them? Or do they hurt because you could think such horrible things of each other? Either way, it's a sign that neither one of you likes the person you've become in the marriage. This is where you need to stop blaming each other and start taking some responsibility to turn this around. Rather than focusing on all the negative, thank him for something he does for you everyday. Even if they are little things. Have him do the same. After a few days of this, the fighting won't happen as much and the walls start to come down as you realize why you fell in love with this person and why you wanted to be in this relationship. Marriage is hard work honey. For some, they take it lightly and are quick to run for divorce. For others, they stick by their committment come hell or high water. Would you rather have someone so loyal to you, or someone who didn't care to stick around? I know it's easier said than done, but if it were easy, everyone would do it.

If you've put some thought into this and really want out, then talk to him and tell him how it is. But if you want that ideal family you dreamed of, you've already got the loyal husband and children...all you need is a way to work through this. Couples fall in and out of love all the time. It doesn't mean it's the end. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and when you have someone to work through the problems, it makes you a stronger force.

I hate to sound like a poster child for anti-divorce, but you have so much emotion in your question that leads me to believe there is alot of emotion in this relationship. It's a sign that it's worth saving.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck and I hope you learn to let go of the things that don't matter and learn to appreciate all those little things we take for granted...that really do matter.

Answer 4

I really believe you're talking about fights that not only get mean but down right verbally abusive, I know because I'm there. When the same things are repeatedly said and names called fight after fight it's hard to disregard them. This is not healthy for you, him and most importantly the children!
However, sounds like you're a culprit too. You need to get a grip for you kids sake and knock off your verbal bashing and as you said you can get physical..STOP...it takes two to fight.
You cannot be the victim and the offender..stop participating in this damaging behavior for your children.
No one knows better than you how bad it is, and should never suggest that you stay with an abusive partner because he's apologetic or it's the "right thing to do"...they need to educate themselves on abusive cycles. It's not any more healthy for children to grow up in a fighting home than a split one.
I'm not advocating divorce here, marital counseling is MUST and should come first before a divorce..you both need to learn communication skills whether or not you remain together. Because you have children together, you'll be interacting with each other for the rest of your lives and need to learn productive communication skills.

Answer 5

No, he's made a committment to you and your relationship. Those guys are hard to find. You both would do good to find out how to "fight" and discuss your problems rather than saying things that are hurtful just to make a point. Don't let the heat of the moment overtake what you are trying to discuss and just discuss the problem-no name calling or bringing up past actions or fights. Keep your voice calm. You've learned that bad fights hurt and hurt for keeps. If you don't learn how to fight in this relationship, at least learn how to for your next. Start with this discussion now and see if it helps. Long term relationships are not easya nd are lots and lots of work. And you have to work at keeping your feelings in the right place. It just doesn't happen. Just remember if you're mad his dirty socks are on the floor, just tell him nicely that you'd like him to pick up his socks because it bothers you to have to constantly pick up after him. Do not call names-like you're a lazy bum because you can't pick up your socks-that just esculates an argument. The trick is the second time the socks are on the floor to not lose it and that's the hard work part. Get some romance back in your relationship. Committed guys get harder and harder to find as you get older and older. However if you're trying to get out of the relationship-just do the opposite. He'll get tired of you soon enough. . .

Answer 6

No honey guys let go of things a heck of alot quicker than us women do, but you are right words do hurt and they can actually do alot of damage if you let them fester. But it sounds like he really wants to try and maybe you do too since you're asking the questions. Why don't you guys try marriage counselling so that you can get things out into the open and deal with what's really bothering you.
Getting a divorce is actually alot easier than working on the marriage but once it's done it's done, so think long and hard before you make a life alterring decision like that. Best of luck!

Answer 7

He's probably afraid you'll take him to the cleaners.

You sound like someone who deserves a better marriage than this. Of course your feelings are, as you say, "pretty much gone because of things that were said." Once you say hurtful things, you can't take them back. I honestly don't believe the reason is because of his commitment to his marriage vows or he would be working harder at creating peace and harmony with you. If you don't love him anymore, why don't you file for divorce?

Answer 8

He might be willing to stay in the marriage because of religious belief, personal honor in keeping the vows or because he loves you and the kids.

The important thing is that he is willing to work through the rough patches. If you want to try to work things out and renew your feelings, he would most likely try with you.

If you really believe that the two of you and the kids would be better off if you divorced and ended the horrible fights, you don't need his permission. You could just go file for the divorce.

Answer 9

No he just doesn't want to lose you.
Anyone can change so maybe the two of you should try working on your differences so you can both get along better without fighting so much.
Find out what pisses him off so much and try not to do whatever it is and you tell him the same.
Pride has no place in a relationship.
So let go of your pride and tell him to let go of his and communicate without getting so bent out of shape.

Besides if the two of you divorce the only thing that will change is the person each of you will be fighting with.
You will only fight with the next guy your with and he'll fight with the next lady he'll be with because your problems will still be the same.
So fix your problems and work on staying with each other.

Answer 10

Maybe the problem isn't just him. I'm not saying your entirely to blame, but you should be able to get over words. They may stick once in awhile, but you should forgive and forget. Holding a grudge about something that happened 3 weeks ago is not a good idea. You 2 should maybe see a marriage counselor and let him/her figure out a solution.