Is it right for my dad to be this way...?

Question

I'm sorry if I tend to sound selfish here. I'm really not trying to be...it just hurts I guess. Anyway, I found out my parents were getting a divorce June 8th (I remember because it was the day after the last day of school). Today I found out my dad was on one of those online dating services. He uses my brother's laptop all the time and I clicked on the history button to find a website url I was on before. Then this dating stuff came up and all these links from a bunch of women's 360's. I'm sure it wasn't my brother because he's eleven and i've already talked to him about it (and my dad and brother are the only ones who uses his laptop. I just use it when I leave mine in my room). Am I right to feel hurt about this? It's not so much the dating that hurts me...it's just that he decided on doing so so soon. Doesn't he know we are nowhere near ready for that yet? What do you think I should do?

Answer 1

My parents got divorced a couple years back...i felt awful. My dad had been on several chat rooms and even had a women calling his cell phone. He was cheating on my mom. They talked about inappropriate things and he had been on several porn sites....for gay and straight men. So as u could imagine, i was very hurt. So yes it is definately ok to feel hurt right now. I am always here if u need to talk...best of luck. :)

Answer 2

There could be millions of reasons for a divorce. Children are never the reason. Most of the time people separate mostly because they got together for all the wrong reasons. In this case, they must have known quite a while about separating and waited till the time was right for them. Even though they were living together, the relationship and companionship just wasn't. That would explain why your father is looking so soon. He got really lonely and feels empty without companionship from someone close to his age. Just remind your father that he is on the rebound and needs just to date and not get romantically involved. Try being your father's best friend and daughter. Speak to him openly and tell him that you will help him look for early signs that the girl he might be dating is a little off kilter... and also help look for someone that seems to have all her ducks in a row. This way, if your father does meet someone new, there will be a very good chance you will do better than get along with her as well. Please tell your parents that you love both of them as many times as you can. They both need your support more than you will ever now.

Answer 3

It's a hard transition to make for everyone involved when it comes to divorce but I promise you sweetie that just because your dad is looking doesn't mean he's trying to find you a new mom. Some men are so hurt by break ups that they sometimes feel the need to just see if they can get a woman to be interested. It's a scary and lonely time for your dad and you have to understand that he is not going on dating websites to "bag a chick" but maybe for some companionship. To maybe feel like a man again. I went through some problems with my husband years back and I left him for 4 months and during the time I was gone, he was so devastated and lonely that he dated other women just to see if he still had "it". He was trying to feel like a man again. Divorce is devastating and your dad is trying to cope the best way he can. It's okay to hurt but don't believe for a second that he's doing this to be a stud or something.

Answer 4

Its your parent's divorce, not yours. Remember, they are your parents, but they are also people trying to be happy. This is the only life they have to live and a good portion of it is passed.

Chances are, its not as soon for him as you think. The marriage was most likely bad for a long time, probably more than a year, before they decided to divorce and to inform you kids. Even though you live in the same house and are family, you don't know what went on in your parents personal relationship. Thats something parents try to keep personal, even from their kids.

I understand that you are not comfortable with your parents dating anyone but each other. The reality is that the marriage is over and that your parents will be lonely and want to find someone to be with. Try to be supportive while they search for happiness. You love them and want them to be happy, right?

So, when either parent meets someone they are involved with enough to introduce you, be open minded. Judge the person on their own merits.

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear you are going through this.
It's going to hurt because it is so new.

He may be hurting as well and is trying to fill a void. People handle emotions differently. I have looked on line as well, but it is because I am lonely. I have talked to a couple of guys, but nothing has come out of it. People get lonely, people are hurt. And some people think if they force them self or rush them self into a new relationship, it will help ease the pain from the last one.

Let him be and try to understand he is trying to work through his emotions as well.

But do talk to him. Let him know that you are sad and hurt as well. Hopefully you both can communicate with each other and understand each other better. Maybe even help each other a bit.
But remember to talk from your heart. Not your anger or hurt.
Learn to separate those.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

Answer 6

Not sure what to say but my heart goes out to you. That has to be brutal. Besides all the stress and major life adjustments that will be coming your way, it would have been nice if your father had been a bit more discreet and deleted his web browsing history. I agree it seems awfully quick for him to jump back in the game. Even if he had his mind dead set on doing it that way, he really should have covered his tracks a lot better. It would not be a bad idea if you told him you know what is going on and tell him how you feel. I am sorry.

Answer 7

well, all depends on your age, your way of thinking . It's difficult to understand why adults make things wrong.
i know is not nice for you, but still he is your father, You don't have to do anything because you can't. It is out of your hands, he is an adult and take his own decisions. For you own just avoid getting depress because of this problem. Just, relax yourself and don't anticipate to any fact, that is not happening right now. he is probably dating just to show your mom that he still young, and attractive or maybe to show that he can convince a woman to be with him. it is a little crazy but just give him some time and you will see that he will stop doing it.

Answer 8

Well, if your parents decided on divorce, then nothing's really going to change that. I'm actually really sorry to hear that, because I come from a divorced family, as well. As soon as my dad moved out, he was looking already, too. I guess it's just a "guy" thing, but there's nothing you can do. He's going to date if he wants to, and my best advice is to keep going strong; brighter times are ahead.

Answer 9

No you are not being selfish. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do, but this is just me. I would make that B I T C H g/f of his, (when ever he gets one) life a living H E L L, he couldn't bring her around me. You have to handle it in your own way when it happens

Answer 10

Valerie, you said you found out your parents were getting a divorce June 8th, right? Do you think this came up suddenly, or did they wait to tell you until after school let out? Did you notice their marriage "going downhill" years or months ago before this divorce announcement, or did they keep it looking the same as it always has? Now, do you think they made a decision to divorce closer to June 7th, or let's say March 7th, or maybe even earlier than that? My guess would be the last one. One or the other may have decided a couple of years ago to get a divorce, but then decided to stay together for the family, or to try to work it out. After awhile, if it still didn't work out despite their best efforts, then maybe they jointly decided it best to split up.

Both your Mom & Dad really need you to be a loving daughter right now. They both will feel hurt and pain of their decision, so they will need your love and support (but don't choose sides, love them equally as always). The divorce decision is not yours to make, it's theirs, and they have made that decision on whatever grounds. Don't play the blame game either, people divorce for many reasons & each of your parents may have a completely different reason for wanting to get divorced. If it helps any, get both sides of the story, in order to be fair to both of them.

As to your Dad's "behavior," give him the benefit of the doubt right now. His going to online dating sites may have just been like "window shopping," with no intent to "buy" anything right now. Most likely, he'll need some time to heal, before he gets into another serious relationship and gets remarried. Although I could be wrong about this too, but if he gets into a serious relationship in the next couple of months, you may want to ask him (out of concern for his welfare mind you) if it's too soon to jump into that, and is your heart truly ready for this next step? Don't forget, your Mom will need your support too, as she may be quite depressed over this and need your shoulder to cry on -- make sure you are there for her as well.

I know it's not easy for anyone to deal with this divorce right now; for all of you, including your brother, along with your father and your mother and yourself, will still have to work together as a family, but as seperate entities in the equation.

God bless you & I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.