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My husband is an alcoholic/drug addict. We had a huge fight on June 13 and I haven't heard of seen him since. I have tried calling his family, friends and nobody has heard from him either. He does have a job working offshore and i don't know if he is even working. I have called and left messages at his job, and still no response. How can a husband do this to his wife? Should I take his behavior as him telling me that he has not intentions of ever coming back? his alcohol and drug addiction has been the very root of our problems but i have always stuck it out with him and been there for him. he makes excellent money working offshore and I have not seen one dime! what would you do?

2007-07-27 15:32:29 · 28 answers · asked by juju43 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

just to add a few more things and thoughts. How do you get over feeling so rejected and unloved? how does somebody just walk away like that and not even blink an eye, or call to see if i am doing okay. I always told him how much i loved him, i tried everything in my power to encourage him and let him know how much he was loved, buy my good was never good enough! so he is out there somewhere drinking/drugging and everything else that goes with it, while i sit with nothing! when will he pay?

2007-07-27 18:15:54 · update #1

lord knows that i have made mistakes, but i always said i was sorry and made things right. I am in recovery for drug addiction (prescription pills) and i relapsed during all this, and where was he when i needed him? in fact, the night before he took off, while i was still in recovery, he wanted to buy me some zanax off of somebody...now tell me, what kind of husband is that? that really hurt! I feel like if i wasn't good enough for an alcoholic/drug addict, then who am I good for? I took the marriage so seriously and fought tooth and nail to save it. I am just totally baffled! sorry to have gone on and on, just venting! thanks for the support and prayers!

2007-07-27 18:23:58 · update #2

UPDATE: I found out that my husband is on his 14 day leave from offshore, he called his mother to let her know he was off, but she hasn't heard from him since last week, nor has he called me, so therefore, he is out drinking/drugging and god knows what else with over $3,000 to do it with, he could careless is I am dead or alive and it hurts like hell, but its to be expected. Nevertheless, I am done! I have spent the last two days being nothing but angry! just overwhelmed with anger, I don't like to hate anybody, especially those I love, but i feel hate toward him, just pure disgust! I have to pick myself back up and get myself back into recovery, and quick! it's going to be a tough road, this has been a rough relapse, but no more! once I get stable and get my strength back, I am going to file for divorce, the divorce can wait, my recovery can't. Thanks to your answers and advice, I have learned so much, stuff I already knew, but was not utilizing it like I should have. pray!

2007-08-03 14:02:42 · update #3

28 answers

I have been through what you are going through now and I will tell you it was very tough. I was also fighting the same drug addiction (Perscription benzo's) I was hospitalized because of the withdrawl. I was so very sick. He was at the hospital with me and that helped me so much. He left to goand take a shower and took my car. Hours passd I never seen him again. I received a call that he had a wreak and was in another hospital and the car ws totaled. He was fine andd was released from the hosp. to jail from drinking and driving. My fight to get off the benzo's took months. I stayed very sick and lost 50 lbs. I couldnt' eat unless I got sick. I was in and out of hospitals and I didn't hear from him. It hurt me so bad I thought I would just die. I also had been there for him and loved him very much but His drinking came before me and his own kids. Well, its 5 years later..I survived..it was hard and I leaned on family and friends but I have now remarried and am happy. I will never forget him as long as I live. It was the worst experience I have ever gone through. He shot himself and died instantly. So its over for him, He lost his battle with alcohol. He was in and out of treatment centers for years of his life and he just couldn't stop, he lived with guilt untill the guilt ate him up and he couldn't take it any more. He was loved by many and family and friends never once turned theri back on him. Eeveryone tryed to help but he still felt he couldn't fight it any longer. I have went on with my life but I still think of him from time to time. He was a hard worker and a very handsome man with two beautiful children that he left behind whom he had with his first wife. Within 2 mths. of his death, his ex-wife (mother of his children) had a 4 wheeler accident and is paralized waist down and has alot of health problems that go with that and I never hear from the kids. I do hear they aren't doing well. They lost their father than almost lost theri mother and did loose her as they knew her. Very sad story with a bad outcome. We are stronger than we think and we are not alone. There are many of us who walk around daily with broken hearts. We just do it one day at a time and one step at a time. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong because you must and know it isn't that he doesn't love you. He has a disease he is battling and he took it away from you when he left so u can live a normal life. It may sound crazy and it is but it is the way things are.God Bless

2007-08-04 05:11:33 · answer #1 · answered by sash 5 · 1 0

ok, so coming from an ex-addict and ex-alcoholic, you are not in a good situation. you need to leave him and fix yourself before u kill yourself. even though i am clean and have been for years, it is still an everyday battle. i just remember that i hated the after affects so much more than the high that i would never do it again.

regardless of the money, your life and sanity is more important. you do not need someone there to help you through getting sober. u need to do it on your own. if that is the case that you are upset for him not being there "when u needed him" then you are not ready to live the sober life.

and if he was willing to walk away and not talk to u, even just to tell u he is alive, then he is not completely committed to your marriage. you may love him, but you should not have to fight "tooth and nail" to keep the marriage together. it comes from both sides, 50/50 not 90/10.

both alcoholics and drug addicts mentally quit maturing when they start doing these habits. so if u started popping pills at 26 but he has been like this since 14, then it is like having a 26 year old married to a 14 year old. which is not good. both of u need to get into recovery and grow. once both of u have grown and matured and stayed sober then u could think about getting back together.

another thing is your co-dependancy. u are allowing him to be the alcoholic and drug addict. u do this because u think u cannot do better, "if i am not good enough for a addict/alcoholic, then who am i good for?" this is what i mean. u are dependant on his dependancy. and he knows this, don't let him fool u. he does know. and he knows that u allow him to keep these behaviors and treat u like this. which means u are an addict for him. u are a woman! a woman! and no woman deserves to be treated this way. u need to break away and learn who u are and what u want. your life is not his. it is yours. figure out who u are. the only way u are going to do that is by getting clean, staying clean, and getting the support u need from a group of people who know what u are going through. u are not the only one. and don't say "u don't understand."

i have been there, done that, felt that, seen that, and made it through. i know exactly what u are going through. i was co-dependant and an addict myself. i thought no one else would want me. that i was never good enough. and then i got clean, i broke away, found who i was, and joined NA and AA. they all knew what i was going through and were there to guide me and help me through it.

i just got married, and graduated from college, and am getting ready to start trying for a baby. there are so many possibilities for your life. but u have to be alive to do them. popping pills will kill u, not COULD kill u, they WILL KILL U if u do not stop.

breakaway and get help. find yourself. i bet u probably do not even know who u really are, because u have been trying to be what he wants u to be?

2007-08-03 13:27:29 · answer #2 · answered by angel 2 · 0 0

One of the hardest things with love is that sometimes we just dont get to choose who or how we love. Rejection is also part of this. It is not your husband rejecting you it is the alcoholic and Drug addict.

When you start to feel stronger start to get your life in order. Start by doing things for yourself like if you havent got a job start looking and if you have a few dollars go get your hair or nails done, just little things that can help improve your confidence.

If you start to love yourself thenyou will find it easier to get to where you want to. Your husband may or may not come back he is the only one who knows what is going on but if you start having a life of your own then you can decide what you want and wether that includes him. You may always love him but as the song goes Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough.

2007-08-04 06:16:12 · answer #3 · answered by Melissa S 4 · 0 0

Hmmmmmmmmmm let's see. Would you accept this behavior from anyone else? Do you have children? If so, then file whatever papers you need to file for child support.
If not, why are you mentioning his income? I realize you have bills together, but what struck me is you saying he makes excellent money offshore. For some reason that makes me think you may be sticking it out more because of how much he makes. I hope that is not the case.

I always tell people to pray and seek guidance from God. No one is supposed to tell anyone to get divorced. But that does not mean they shouldn't either. Pray for guidance, and strength, Let God tell you what you should do or not do. He is wiser than any of us.

2007-07-27 22:43:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anna B 2 · 0 0

You teach people how to treat you.

there are so many thing going on, it's hard to address them all. Here are some things:

1--you are taking part in the problem, not the solution

2--you are allowing him to treat you this way

3--you are enabling a man who needs a lot of help, so by enabling him, you are keeping him sick.

4--you need to look at yourself and why you are in this position

5--look at the reasons why you need to be in a relationship with an alcoholic/drug user.

6--you need to realize that you are a valuable and worthy, LOVED child of God and that HE loves you. You should get ALL of your worth from God, not another human being.

7--stop focusing on HIM and start focusing on YOU. You are the center of this issue and the more you focus on him, the longer you are distracting yourself and avoiding the true issue.

I know it hurts. I've been there. This will give you some help in communicating:http://www.understandmen.com/

good Luck.

2007-08-04 16:31:14 · answer #5 · answered by blondone 3 · 0 0

You should go and seek some counseling... And get a understanding of addiction... You can do this online or at the library a vast amount of information available. Then make an informed choice, is this somehting you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Only you can answer that question. Good luck and God bless****

2007-07-27 22:47:36 · answer #6 · answered by ? 7 · 1 0

I think that your husband is doing you a favor by staying away. This way you can deal with your own issues and work with that. The stronger you are in identifying your problems, the better person you will be individually. Put him in the past and continue to concentrate one day at a time. See what you can do to make your lfe better, like taking classes, exercising, and improving your own self.

2007-08-03 15:23:16 · answer #7 · answered by maestra 4 · 0 0

Wow...I have seen bad relationships on Yahoo...and then there are those that are unbelievable; except true.

If he doesn't support you; what kind of husband do you have?

You need to move on. It will be tough but it sounds like he just doesn't care about you at all. He won't change. He will just get worse. Call a divorce lawyer.

2007-08-04 17:42:11 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I would not have that for one second! Find someone who is interested in you, not drugs and alcohol! Im all for sticking with someone and helping people out. But you can only help those who want to be helped. If he cared he would have called by now! Im so sorry for you!! Must be hard!

2007-07-27 22:36:26 · answer #9 · answered by ♥Stephanie♥ 4 · 0 0

I know how hard it is to give up on someone that you love. The only way that he will straighten out his life is to do it on his own. Please don't take offense, but don't be an enabler! It will not help him! Sometimes we just have to walk away. Please think about yourself and your own happiness. Believe me, he is not thinking of you and is only thinking of his own selfish needs. Addicts do that! It is impossible to deal with an addict! Love yourself more than you love him. That's the way it should be. Just remember, never give it all away (love). Save some for yourself!

2007-08-04 10:24:30 · answer #10 · answered by joyceann 2 · 0 0

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