Why does it hurt when a spouse finds out that their wife,/ husband ?

Question

are coping well and better than they are after their seperation?

Answer 1

This is an easy one! Seldom do both people involved in the relationship want out. Usually one or the other, for some reason or other, wants their freedom. The (left) person wonders why and what went wrong? This hurts. The leaving party has found his/her freedom to do whatever floats their boat and they feel relieved. The person left is normally the one who cares the most and it hurts when you realize they are happy. Also the one who is normally left still is surrounded by all the "normal challenges". I know it is easy for someone outside your relationship (me) to tell you that next year, and yes it may take a year, you will begin to understand this has all worked out and there is something better for you out there. You will not be recepted to healing until you let yourself become less involved with this person in anyway. Good luck and God Bless

Answer 2

It' s basically a big slap in the face,,,,especially if the person feeling so bad that the other is doing so well, is the one who did the dumping,,,,,,
when you and someone split up, you basically have to bury a lot. Almost another life,,,,what has become familiar,,,,,
You cry and feel pain because you are mourning the loss of something that was once dear to you, like a death, of a loved one, not exactly the same thing, but the basic principal still applies.
You both had a plan, you were gonna do this, and gonna do that, you did this, and did that, you said this, they said that, promises, feelings, memories,,,,
Sometimes, people just cant see things for what they are.

Imagine this scenario-Guy brakes up with Gal, Gal is broken hearted, devastated, cries and pleads with Guy to please not do this, Guy turns a cold shoulder, leaves Gal crying, and feeling positively horrible. Gal, cries, for days, looking at pictures, reading books, and then, realizes that he isn't feeling this way, she is going to go out and paint the town with her buddies, and have her self a blast as a single woman.
Gal goes out, has fun, laughing talking, meeting new people, her and friends call it a night, word gets out, Guy gets mad, she should be home crying, she was wreck the other night, she can't be over me,,,,,what's up with that,,,,,

Everyone wants to be loved so much that can't be lived without, but no one wants to be lived without.
If you were the dumper,,,,same applies,,,,,,hurt does fade with time, and in healthy situations, good support of friends,
it is possible to get over a lot of adversity.
So whether you got dumped, or did the dumping,,,,
you couldn't do it together, why make each other miserable, admit you can't get along, and let each other move on, wishing each other the best,
Noble in wish, though not realistic.

Answer 3

Pride, Ego, Hurt, a lot of things actually.

We do like to feel that we were the better one in the relationship. Everyone does. And when the other "seems" like they are doing well without you, it makes you feel a combination of things. They didn't love you,........ they are not hurting like you are and you want them to be just as miserable as you are......... and then there is the possible, if they are fine and I am not, is something wrong with me? Was I the one who was wrong? People don't like looking in that mirror too much.
But remember, people don't always show things the same way. They could be hurting, They could be in denial.
The thing is to be honest with yourself. No matter what the other person seems to be or not be going through.

This is a time to reflect on your life. Which does mean looking in that mirror. But that mirror will help you grow.
Don't get caught up in what he/she is or is not doing or feeling. If you still love them and told them so, then the next step would be up to them. Concentrate on you and not the other one, If the other one says they want to work things out, then take it from there. But meanwhile, be honest with yourself. Look to see where you need to learn and grow. Because either with or without the other one, you need to make sure you are together for yourself, and any other relationship you have or will have.
Concentrating on the other being or seeming to be well and better than you are right now is only wasted energy and may not be accurate at all.
Your job is to be honest with that person about what is truly in your heart. Then start working on your life.

Answer 4

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else
but it is more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.


How disheartening to know the person you love is giving all their love and time and devotion to someone else.

There are few things worse in life than when someone you love is with someone else. Your life stops. you are devastated, and in many ways there is a feeling of hopelessness. Most of all, you are feeling life will never be the same.

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Answer 5

Ego. We all have one. But it's really silly isn't it.
Everyone heals at their own pace and I've found that the kind of healing that I want after a relationship is often different than the ex. I'd never jump straight into another relationship, but many do. To me, it's like USING another person to make me feel better.. and it never really works.

Answer 6

We all want to believe that we were the world to someone and when that person moves on and is happy it feels as though we never really meant as much as we thought. It hurts our feelings and our self-esteem. Somehow you have to move past this feeling. It is not that we didn't ever mean that much to this person; we just don't anymore. Time heals all wounds; sometimes it's just more time than we would like.

Answer 7

because your not suppose to have a life of your own when they are no longer in it....it can be shocking to one who feels the world revolves around them...and once you leave their world as they know it , they realize it was their spouse that made the difference in their life and now that they are separated from them it is so much more painful because it was self inflected..they have done it to themselves....and knowing your doing fine makes them only feel worse about the circumstances they are in.

Answer 8

You always thought that the other person couldn't live without you or do without you. When we find out that we were not that important in their life it's a hard thing to handle.

Answer 9

Because it will always be a secret hope within your heart that your ex will be miserable w/o you. You want them to only be happy w/ you and when you realize they are fully capable and willing to live life w/o you, it really bites.

Answer 10

NOT ONLY IS IT BECAUSE THEY STILL LOVE THEM BUT ALSO BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO FEEL AS IF THEY ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CARED ENOUGH ABOUT THE MARRIAGE. SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE,WHEN MY EX-HUSBAND AND I FIRST SEPARATED HE ASKED ME HOW COME I ACT AS IF THE SEPARATION DOES NOT BOTHER ME AND I TOLD HIM FIRST OF ALL JUST BECAUSE YOU DO NOT SEE ME CRYING,STRESSED OUT,LOSING WEIGHT OR BASICALLY GOING DOWN HILL DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM NOT AFFECTED BY OUR SEPARATION. WHAT HE FAILED TO REALIZE WAS THAT I HAVE CUSTODY OF OUR THREE CHILDREN WHO NEEDS ME NOW MORE THAN EVER TO HELP THEM GET THRU THIS,I HAD TO BE STRONG FOR THEM AND MYSELF.I ALLOWED MYSELF TO MOURN THE LOSS OF MY MARRIAGE AND THEN I SNAPPED OUT OF IT FOR THREE GOOD REASONS(MY KIDS) I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT IF IT WAS NOT FOR MY KIDS I WOULD NOT BE THE CARING,STRONG WOMAN I AM TODAY.