Is there such a thing as finally becoming mature enough -?

Question

that the things your children do, say or dont do doesnt hurt you anymore, or at least not as much?

Is it a sign of emotional immaturity to still be so hurt by them when you are 55 years old?

What are "normal" expectations of a mother - child relationship if you were very close when they were children, when the child becomes an adult? With a son? A daughter?

More info, I might have mentioned this before, my daughter is in a snit again, she does this a couple times a year when she starts feeling she had a rotten childhood because of my disability and the financial hardships we experienced.
And blaming me of course.

She is being married in October and has excluded me from her wedding and all the plans etc. Wont talk to me.

I am handling this better than I would have a year ago, I guess I am getting used to her childish behavior but it still hurts - a LOT sometimes. Really bad at times, like a knife in my heart.

A year ago it would have been on my mind night and day, I would have been calling her and trying to make her see how much she is hurting me.

I've decided not to go to the wedding if she doesnt change her behavior, I have advised her of that, via email, saying I love you very much and always will but I wont put myself through that much hurt, sitting at the back of the church as if I am not family, not your mother.

There is a step grandson, who I love with all my heart. For medical reasons he may be the only grandchild I ever have.

He is an amazing, smart, witty, great little guy. He makes me laugh, he makes everyone laugh !

I ran into them last weekend in a store, she wouldnt talk to me and the little guy didnt know what to do, how to act, he kept looking at my daughter for clues, its so hard on him. (and me)

I miss him so much. He just looked miserable, he didnt talk to me either because of how she was acting.

Sometimes I have run into him when he is with his "real: mother and then we hug and talk and visit. He is so chatty and full of news all the time. But that has only happened twice.

Answer 1

It is always going to hurt. I have 2 great and one sneeky butt head --sneeky lies to me and I always catch him, he just never seems to clue in -- he has navigated back to his dad. I raised him from the time he was 9 months without a cent from Mr. Wonderful--oh he is on wife # 7 now. Sneeky just retired from the Army Guard as a Sgt Mjr.-- my answer was wow now what do you do in the real world for the next 25 years?? Show 'em all you know 110 ways how to kill?? He retired in April is still unemployed. New wife, daughter a jr in high school , child support, new giant house with accomodations for his new wifes parents--they are Japanese. It will be an interesting saga to watch. I don't even pretend to go by his place or see him and seldom call. He stops by to see me right before Christmas, never sits down and stays about 20 minutes. Other son is a cracker and lives many miles away, we talk and E mail. Let your daughter stew -- the sound of silence often is the best.

Answer 2

I do believe that we must come to a point when we realize our children are adults and they make their own decisions, no matter what we say. We may not agree with them, but we have to let them be free to choose wisely or make mistakes. Unless a parent is very hard-hearted, they will be hurt and disappointed when their child makes a poor choice. But,
knowing we've done the best we could to bring them up right is some consolation. The Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6). "Normal" expectations, I think for all mothers, are that our children will be as innocent when they grow up as they were in the cradle. But, that isn't logical. My heart has been broken by my child but once again we have a good relationship. This probably didn't answer your question but I am a realist (with optimism).

Answer 3

There are indications of some codependency if you are hurt by your children.

I am an adult now and my relationship with my parents has modified tremendously. I annoy my Mom from time to time, but I know I do not hurt her. She hacks me off, too. We communicate like adults. We don't insult each other, but we are human and we have different ways of dealing with things. We talk about what is bothering us in our relationship.

I must admit that it is convenient as my parents and I do live in the same city. This may not be an easy fix for you. It took us at least a decade to work through the wrinkles including my bad marriage which my parents did not condone from the outset. Everyone's views must change and grow with the times.

I will note that my brothers do not have the same kind of relationship with our parents. They only call when they need something - like a place to stay for the weekend or to take care of the grandkids. No relationship of parent and child is identical.

If this is hurting you emotionally, you may wish to find a therapist or group that can help you find the tools to deal with your situation better.

Good luck and may you find a happier place.

Answer 4

You aren't immature, your daughter is. She's a big girl now & she needs to stop blaming you for things that happened years ago. Your daughter obviously has some issues that need to be addressed with the help of a therapist since she hasn't gotten past any of her finger pointing yet. From one mother to another, we do the best we can when raising our children, & when they disappoint us, we still love them unconditionally. I believe that unconditional love is a two way street, or should be, no matter who has hurt or disappointed who. It's your daughter's decision not to have you at her wedding, so accept that, knowing someday, she will live to regret it. I know not being wanted at your daughter's wedding will be very hurtful for you, but it's your daughter's decision. People will wonder where you are when her special day comes, & then she'll have to explain that one herself. I can't help but wonder what your future son-in-law thinks of all of this. I guess it's a mute point now, but if this doesn't get resolved now, & grandchildren enter the picture someday, it could out more distance between your daughter & you. I have grown sons who are married with families of their own. As a mom, I have done things in life that hurt them & vice versa, but we love one another, & know that holding grudges is bad for all concerned. We don't forget the hurt, we just learn to move past it, because life is way too short to let it come between us. I feel your pain, & what you're feeling is normal, not a sign of immaturity. Just take a day at a time & you'll get through this.

Answer 5

Not a mother , but mine used to say when they're little they break your back, when they're older they break your heart.

I don't think as a mum or a human, you ever grow that indifferent. They still will be able to shatter your heart but as ma used to say , just wait til you have kids of your own and they'll be ten times more worse than you are now.

Don't know if that helps.

I think most kids and that includes the adult ones think MA will always be there and so don't think what they do to you or how they hurt you.

I'd love to be able to talk to my mum, even argue with my mum . She's been dead 16 years and I was her principal caregiver for five years before that.

She was bedridden with MS and believe I cherished that time we had together, getting to know one another , not as mum and daughter , but as woman to woman.

Answer 6

Well my son and I had a great relationship when he was young. Then during the teens, I kinda missed him because now he was growing up and having his own friends. He stopped confiding in me and that hurt me a lot. But I understood that a man has to break the cord that ties them to their moms in order to grow and come into their own.

Now that he is 30 something, he calls, talks and shares more, without me asking a lot of questions (it was always like pulling teeth with him in his early adult life) so I am happy about that.

But they do have their busy lives and you now have yours. Family gatherings also keep us in touch. You'd be surprised at how much they want us to keep up traditions that were done when they were kids..

Answer 7

We all hurt our family members at one time or another & the trick is to smooth things over without it going on for years.
Your daughter is starting a life of her own & maybe you should too. Remake yourself, into the person you wish to be.
In other words: Time to spread your wings too, the babies have flown the nest.
She will come around in her own time. That saying about breaking hearts & backs is all so true.

Answer 8

The only thing that I can tell you for sure is, my oldest granddaughter just turned 14. My daughter has become very enlightened. My daughter often comes to me whining about something my granddaughter has done. I don't really say much, just smile at her. Then she says,,,OK Mom was I really like that?
Our children, like us, never stop making mistakes. We have to go on with our lives. My kids hardly ever ask my advice, but they know I am here if they want to talk.

Answer 9

Take it from me, at some point (whether it's the legal of 18 or older) you have to realize your children, young(er) relatives, etc are grown and you may not like what they do but they are old enough to make their own decision whether they can afford to live on their own or not.

Answer 10

If you're still hurt by them when you're 55, It makes me wonder who is crossing over in to who's space. Someone is getting too close to something and raising bad feelings. Maybe those involved should step back, and just listen when talked to, and not try to fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed.