Why can't i bring myself to leave..when he cheated?

Question

My husband cheated on me with his ex girlfriend once and mother of his first two kids while i was pregnant with our now 17 month old son. It killed me because i suspected and asked him for 2 years before he admitted the truth and of coarse because it meant that he'd still had feelings for her at the time. I also found out from her that he had told her he loved her and wanted to be with her and all this on the night they were together. This is highly upsetting being that i still have to deal with her bc of the kids. He was my first serious and true love , i was head over hills. ever since he has admitted the truth i feel as though i still love him but i still cannot look at him the same even though its been 2 years since it happened. I tried to leave 3 times but he kept begging and crying and since we have built so much together i couldn't leave. why can't i bring myself to leave someone who hurt me so much and any advice on how to get through it if i stay?

Answer 1

It is very difficult to accept that the man your with would go out of your marriage like that, especially while your pregnant. If you don't really feel the same about him, then why do you stay? You say you've tried to leave before, but he won't let you. Trust me, if you really wanted to leave, you would've done it already. You want to stay, you want to make it work, you have to find out if you and your husband can get through this and prevent it from happening again. The best thing to do, in my opinion, would be to put that behind you and move past it together. But warn him that if it were to happen again, you will definitely leave (AND MEAN IT!). If you choose to stay and work it out, then do just that!!

Answer 2

Oh, my God do i know where your coming from because my husband cheated on me 10 years ago and it still feels like yesterday to me. When i found out he had been cheating on me it broke my heart it broke me down as a person.It is hard to get through to people and try to explain how this man the man you trusted,respected,proud of,loved and gave your heart to could stab you in your back and turn on you just for another woman. A lot of women here on Q&A give me a thumbs down when i try and help them. I try to let them see that men have two sides and the side they see when he is home all loving and kind isn't the only side he has.I tell them when your husband walks out the door and away from you you don't know what he is doing or who he is with,you only know what he wants you to know. I'm sure you thought that way to before you found out about that other side your husband has.I love my husband very much and i wanted to leave him at first but something held me back can't say it was love because at that time i hated him and was disgusted and didn't want him to touch me,but i needed him at the same time.I thought if i left him would i be better off without him in my life,the answer to that was no i would not .So i had to learn to live with what he did and that is still going on to this day 10 years later. It is easier now to deal with,don't get me wrong i still have my days when i cry.The hurt that was caused is so deep you can't or i can't get passed it. I know i will never forgive him and why should i,it doesn't take my love away i feel for him. I can't tell him i forgive him when i know i will never forget it. I'm telling you this to let you know you are not alone with how you feel about staying with your husband. Do you think you be a better person if you told him to leave,do you think you be happier without him.If your husband has tried to make up for it and is truly sorry and shows you everyday just how much he loves you then you have done the right thing by staying with him.

Answer 3

How disheartening to know the person you love is giving all their love and time and devotion to someone else.

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The Addictive Power of an Affair An affair is a very powerful addiction The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction. Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar

Answer 4

You can't seem to leave him because you are in love with him and/or attached to him. It may well be worth sticking out, but only if he remains faithful and only if you can bring yourself to trust and let go. But you won't ever forget it. If you do want to leave, you need to do some things to separate yourself from him emotionally and physically before you will be ready to do so. Make sure you can take care of yourself financially. Research, too, the laws about custody in your state. I don't necessarily agree with this, but some states automatically give custody to the mother, so if you're worried about losing your kids, you may not have to worry.
If you want to stay with him, however, the road may be equally hard, but you may want to think about the fact that he may be hurting about it almost as much as you are. A betrayal of trust like that might be very hard for him to accept that he has done to you. It will be all but impossible to stay with him if the two of you do not talk about it and clear the air. If you can't talk about it with him without falling apart, I would recommend counseling. Though I would probably suggest that anyway. Many churches have counseling services if you can't afford a therapist.
Whatever you do, don't sell yourself short. You deserve to be treated with respect, and so does he. You'll regret it if you try to get back at him. But if he does it again, you definately don't deserve that sort of nonsense, and neither do the children involved. They can sense the troubles even if you don't talk about it in front of them.
Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Answer 5

Girl! I am going through something VERY similar, this is my advice, my husband cheated while i was pregnant with my daughter 4 years ago, i took him back and last week caught him cheating again and kicked him out!, let me tell you for four years i tried to trust him but once the trust is gone its gone! I now its so hard because you love him, i have been there. If you can build yourself up to leave then i really can tell you please leave, you will only get hurt again, i know i am crushed, i now believe once a cheat always a cheat. But i also know its soooooo hard to leave. You have to be ready to take that step, and when you do you will be happier, you will not have this feeling of what he did eating you alive anymore. i know i have been there, heck i am there! and plus remember you dont want your child to ever think that is ok to do when they grow up. i always think that. no woman or man or anyone deserves to be cheated on! and i am telling you healing from it is sooooo hard, i never did and he swore he would never do it again! so girl you do what you have to do, and be strong and dont be nieve and i am here if you ever need to talk to someone who has been through it all!!!!

Answer 6

I think you should leave, even if its temporary, he needs to at least know that if he were to ever pull this again its going to cost him. He did such an awful thing and to just stay and not do anything he's probably thinking he can do it again with no consequences. Think about it, if you did that to him, he would probably want to murder you and would more than likely try. I say separate temporarily but don't let him know its temporary and let him see your with other people. He needs to know and feel the hurt and portrayal hes put you under. I don't know how you could ever look at him the same again, he wouldn't look at you the same and he wouldn't be debating or struggling about what to do he would be out of there no questions asked!

Answer 7

Perhaps the two of you should go get professional help. Obviously you love him still or you would have bolted the day your suspected he was cheating. OR, you like to be used. Either way, you need to work this out or move on. Living with someone for a life time and not being able to look at him would be soooo sad. You should really find a way to work it out or move on with your lives. Life is tooooo short to be miserable. Life is way way way too short not to feel love every day. If you do it for anyone do it for your children. They will learn to love their future mates from the way you love yours. Good luck.

Answer 8

Most females who stay with a man who continuously hurts them by keeping a relationship with an ex girlfriend alive while still keeping company with them are afraid of being alone. They will go to every length of behavior to avoid taking charge of their emotions and of their financial affairs in order to be completely free of these cheaters. If you stay, you will have to become resolved to sharing your man with another female and her children on a regular basis until the children are grown and/or the man makes a decision to leave her alone. The latter rarely happens. Best wishes to you.

Answer 9

The only way you can stay is if you can find some way to forgive him. Marriage counseling is helpful too, but the trust has been broken. sometimes we can't leave a relationship because we have no self esteem, or really low self esteem. Look at your motives for staying with him. Why are you really staying? Is it fear you cant make it on your own? You fear you can't find someone else to love you and your baby. If fear or pity for him or yourself is keeping you in the relationship maybe you need to let it go. It is probably not healthy for you, him or the baby.

Answer 10

You need counseling to see if this marriage can be saved. It will be a long, emotional roller coaster for everyone involved.

The tricky thing about your situation is that it was with an ex. Like you said, she will always be in your life. You will never really know if you can trust him.

I would strongly suggest you rethink your relationship with him, unless you want to spend the rest of your marriage wondering if he's cheating on you.